Hi, my name is Don, I'm an alcoholic. By God's grace, and because of your loving, caring attention, it has

not been necessary for me to have a drink of alcohol, or any other that weird stuff, since

December 26th of 1967. And for that, I'm astonished. I've given this talk several times in English,

and not I understand I'm supposed to give it in Texan. We'll try. My friend Bob says

that I'm just elegant, but there's a price that's too high for me to pay. My mother and

my wife, who is here, make me wear this saying to prove that I respect you. Do you all understand

that I respect you? Someone take it off then. This wristwatch is easy. I sometimes don't

know exactly the direction to go from here, because I'm dead serious about this program.

I try not to be too serious about me, but from the first day that I met you, I realized we're

dealing with life and death here. So one of my prayers before I talk is that I hope I don't

get cute tonight. You found me in the Colorado State Penitentiary. It was my third penitentiary.

I didn't like it any better than I did the first one. And I want you to please understand,

I have to talk about prison because that's where I was, but also understand I was never

a big-time gangster. The big-time gangsters don't go to the penitentiary, only the dummies.

In fact, one of my big capers, one night I was a little drunk, and I was living in a chicken

coop at the time that I had. That was cool where I came from, right? At about three o'clock in the

morning I didn't have anything better to do. So I put on my black peacoat and my black watch cap

and got on my bicycle and went off to rob a house. That made sense to me at that time,

in fact that still makes sense. I went through that house for over two hours and left and forgot to

take anything. Now you know what kind of a criminal I was. Everything that I know,

I've experienced since I met you, and as a result of you carrying me from my first day

into the book called Alcoholics Anonymous, I had marvelous sponsorship. I had the kind

of sponsors who didn't ever say to me, Don, as soon as you're comfortable, we'll work these steps.

They said to me, if you ever hope to get comfortable, we're going to start right now working these steps.

I, one of my favorite words in our book is the word baffle, because that described my whole life,

baffle. Since I've come to you, I've got an un-baffled. One of the things that

baffled me was that I really never did want to end up in the places I ended up,

and I really never did want to do the things that I kept doing,

and I could never understand why I could never get around to doing the things that I really did want to do.

Another thing that baffled me was why I went to my first penitentiary, and you explained that to me.

You see, I went to prison the first time, because I couldn't find my way home. I got lost.

That's right, there's a federal law against getting lost, if you're in the Navy.

And I was. I loved the Navy. I really did. I loved the ship. I loved the work I did.

I loved everything about it. And it used to baffle me, because they'd give me these little 24-hour

liberties, and I'd be weeks getting back sometimes. And I couldn't understand that, and they couldn't

understand that. And this last one, they gave me a 24-hour liberty, and I was 23 days getting home,

and by the time I got there, they had moved home all the way to Korea, and you know, they really

were mad at me. There's the sailor. So they put me in prison and gave me a bad conduct discharge

and sent me home at 19-baffled. I'm wondering what the hell's this all about? You explained that to me.

I know today why that happened. It happened because I'm allergic to alcohol,

because if I put alcohol in my system, I'd develop a craving for more alcohol that will not stop

until it decides to stop. And until the craving is gone, I no longer have any choices about what

I want to do with my life. I have to drink, and it was that simple. It tied that loose end up.

Once I start, I can't quit, and my early sponsors made sure that I understood that.

And just as soon as I understood that, they said, you know, that's completely academic if you

never take a drink. There's something else wrong with you too. I have a mind that can't remember

sometimes that I get lost. I'll kid myself into thinking that I really do need this. It'll make

me feel better. I thought one time I drank because I was nervous and found out I got nervous because

I drank. There's a piece of the puzzle missing up here. My neighbor has it. He owns a bar, but

I've never seen him drunk. But I don't have whatever it is that allows me to stop when it's time to

stop. I lost the power of choice somewhere. And by God's grace, I've never gained it back.

And I hope to God I never do because you give me a choice about alcohol, and I wouldn't be here.

I'd be in Huntsville probably. I didn't take the easy ones either.

Is there anybody here tonight that's in our first 30 days of sobriety?

Oh, God bless you. I'll stand to be you. I mean life's good for me today. But getting good is where

all the fun is. When I was in my first 30 days of sobriety, I was laying in the Denver County

jail wondering what was next. I'm afraid I might get the answer. I'd like to share with you very

briefly my last week before I died because I need to always remember it. And it's the beginnings of

the journey that I want to share with you tonight. Christmas week of 1967 was that blessed week

that we all get somewhere along the line that allowed me to see me for exactly who I was.

And what I had become with no more excuses, no more cons, and no more blinders. And what I saw

was kind of wretched. At the time we were living in a $40 a month basement apartment. I see we,

I had two little boys that I'd been dragging around this country with me

because I couldn't sit still near the end. And we were living in a $40 a month basement apartment

and the lady above us that rented us their own had cats. She didn't have some, a few tabbies

running around. This lady had a thing for cats. Hundreds of them. It seemed to me. And her place

was cleaner than mine was. And that's the week that I saw that. I have never had heroin.

Because of my keen alcoholic mind. When I was 14 years old, they showed us a movie about junkies.

Those were heroin addicts. And that was such an ugly creature. I determined that I would never

be a junkie. And if I never took heroin, that couldn't happen. Now I have unfortunately put

everything else I could get into a needle in me. But never heroin. That's the week that I woke up

somehow and turned to the guy next to me and started tearing and said,

my God, we're in a junkie pad. And it was my house. And that's the week I saw that.

I was beginning to reach the point where my dreams were dead. And my parents' dreams were dead.

And my kids' dreams were dead. We had good dreams, how I didn't start to be a bum.

That was the week that Christmas day I took the boys down to Grandma and Grandpa's.

So they could see Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas. And on the way, if you've been on a road like I

have, you know that there's money in the streets of America. That is true. Not much. But if you

walk around, we head down all the time and then see you'll bump into some money. And we found

a dollar in the snow that day. And then we got to Grandma and Grandpa's. And my dad met us at the

door and he said, Don, I'm sorry. Your mother says I can't let you in anymore. She can't stand

watching you die. Now, I remembered last year that that wasn't the first time that that had happened.

But that was the first time I had seen what I'd done to my mother. And then dad, God bless

him. He snuck us in anyway. And I got to see what I'd done to him. And I had to look at what I'd

done to my kids. That's a hell of a thing to put the kids through on Christmas day. And on the way

back home, we found a Christmas tree lot. Now, if you're planning to go off and do what I did in

the strong Christmas, any Christmas tree lot in the country, about 430 Christmas afternoon will

sell you any tree they got for dollar. And we bought one. And naturally, it didn't fit the room.

I'm an alcoholic. I got to have the drama. The damn thing was too big. We bought the big one.

And on the way home, we stopped at the public merchandise mark. And I used the last of my

glibness to get the man to give us a little old pair of cowboy boots and shirts. And my kids

would have a Christmas present. On credit, of course, I didn't have any money. And I can still

remember. I really meant to pay for that as soon as the welfare check got there. And that's how

we went in the Christmas night. And all of that gathered together and reduced me to a place where

my very first inventory, honest inventory, brought me to a state of mind where I was no

longer willing to live that way anymore. I could find nothing of value in me. So I took a massive

overdose of amphetamines. It took a two month supply and shoved them up my arm and drank everything

in the house I could find made down to die. And I think I made it. Although, when I woke up the

next morning with the police at the door, I was in this terrible state. God, if you ever have to do

that, I hope you make it. That's the most crushing thing in the world to lay down and die and have

the cops come get you the next morning. After the initial shock, of course, I relaxed. For people

like me, going to jail is a rest. Now, if any of you folks haven't finished drinking,

and jail is in the future for you, so that you'll survive it, let me give you the rules of county

jail. I lie to you for 10 minutes. You lie to me for 10 minutes. Then we both go take a nap.

That's it. If you go on the county jail, that's all you need to know.

Isn't that a hell of a way for grownups to live? And they took me away this time and they were

really upset. During that week, I had realized that something was desperately wrong and I wanted

help, but I didn't have even the honesty to go ask for help. I had set myself up to be arrested

on a little video fraud in the seat charge of getting me six months in the county jail and

fattened me up. That isn't why they were there. They didn't find that until the next day. They

came loaded for bear this time. Three years to life is what we were talking about on the first

charge. And the DA promised me that if I beat him on that one, he'd bring the other eight one at a

time. He'd tie me up in that jail till I was an old man, he said, because I was through. And it

was during this time that God entered my life and I didn't even know it. I have to share with you

the power of God as I understand it. And it's all based on mercy. They ended up offering me a

hell of a deal. Everybody thought I was a drug addict, including me. So the Denver district attorney

and the federal government, because I was on federal parole at the time, they both had

custody problems going on. It made a little deal. If I'd plead guilty to one particular charge,

they'd send me down to Fort Worth to that federal drug hospital and cure me.

Now I had reached the place in my life where I was willing to do anything and go anywhere that

anybody suggested. Because you got to remember, I just killed myself and then woke up. And here

I am trapped in a life and in a person that is incapable of functioning at all. I don't know how

to live and I don't know how to die. And here I am stuck in it. I got to find something. I'd have done

anything. But there's also a part of me and probably always will be that's in a hole. See,

I had healed up for a couple months. The alcoholic ego heals in about 33 seconds, I think.

If you put me in a place where there's doctors and books, I'm in heaven. I can read. I spent my

whole life presenting symptoms. I love doctors, particularly head doctors. God bless them.

I knew how they operated. I'd been getting dope from them for a long time.

They would tell me what was wrong with me. They would tell me about how long it would take to get

that much right. They would tell me all the different steps I would go through and I'd present them

right on time to them. And in six months I'd have been out of there, cured of drug addiction.

And today I'd be locked away somewhere mad or I'd be dead and I know that. But because in my own

sick way I'd surrounded, I truly believe they've got it entered into my life. If you've ever made

a deal with the feds in the state, you know that when they say you go from here to there, that's

what happens. They've got a lot of power and we made the deal. And they gave me this little

old sentence and suspended it and turned me over to the federal people to take me away.

And five days later I'm in the Colorado State Penitentiary saying, wait a minute,

this isn't the summer camp I signed up for. And I'm so grateful for that today.

In his words, I'm God put me in the one place where I could hear what I had to hear to continue

living. I believe if you're new here tonight at this convention this weekend, you're in exactly

the right place, somebody here will say something. It'll get you through today and get you back here

tomorrow for you to hear something that'll keep you coming back until you can finally hear what

we're trying to say. And so there I am in the penitentiary not having the slightest idea that

alcoholism is my problem. Laying in a cell one day and the guards are everybody downstairs,

we ask them guys here you will listen to. They bring us down here's these three convicts,

but they had told me I would listen to them and I did. And oh boy, what a day that was.

This guy got up and he said my name's Doc. And I'm an alcoholic and that means that I'm

powerless over alcohol. And all of the other circumstances of my life and my life has become

unmanageable. And if any of you smart bastards think you can still manage your lives, look at the

reward the state just gave you for the nifty job you've been doing. Doc did what you do so well.

He put the mirror of truth up in front of me. I couldn't deck it. And now you just three have

random random fields. And then they mentioned to us that next Saturday you get out of the fish tank.

We would like you to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet in the school they said.

And Saturday came and I got to myself and I had taken enough care to put a little note in

every one of our new cells reminding us that we'd come to school that day. Now to do that we had

to give up the only important things that were going on in that place. Guard privileges and movie.

And that may not sound like much to you but when that's all you got

and that's what we gave up to go to school. You couldn't go to the Friday night of A meeting

down there until you'd completed a five week 12 step study school. And it was important to go

to that meeting because they let real people into that meeting from the outside. We weren't real.

And so I began my journey. Oh God. I didn't even know who I was or what I was. And we got in there

and these nice gentle speaking sponsors said to us for the next five weeks you have nothing to say.

If you knew anything at all you wouldn't be here. It's a mirror of truth up again. All they loved us.

They loved us. They gave up their movies too and their yard privileges and they gave up prison

dignity. They gave up status in that prison to show up at that school every Saturday and Sunday

and share with us their experience with this program. I needed to identify first of all

what the hell's wrong with me. These don't start getting wealthy you know what's wrong.

I'd admitted something was and I listened to Bruce that first day. You see the first day

was the first step and the second day was the second step. Then all the new fish worked in the

dishroom. We had all week to talk to each other about what had gone on that weekend. But Bruce

described a day and I understand Bruce was in the penitentiary for the rest of his natural life

because one day in downtown Denver in a shootout he killed some people. I hadn't done that.

But he described that day. He woke up that morning knowing that nobody on this planet

cared whether he lived or died. Well that hurts. And it upset him so much that he started to drink

in order to kill the pain. Only that day I didn't kill the pain. It got him involved in the pain

and the more he drank the angrier he got and then he went downtown and killed some people.

I had waken in the morning and knew that no one cared whether I lived or died.

And I did the same thing and did my own bizarre endings to that. I stood in the driveway of my

dad's house one day with my two little children and knew nobody on this planet could usually

we live or die. That hurts. So I identified with him. I had another sponsor,

Dell remembers and we'll fill the terrace. If you were casting movies about Chinese pirates

Phil would be the captain of the ship. He'd look mean. Phil was in the penitentiary because

when Phil got drunk he liked to throw things out of windows. It was usually people.

And it didn't matter to Phil whether it was the first floor or the third floor. And Phil you,

if you knew Phil you'd know I've never met anyone that loves his family any more than Phil

the terrace did. And he'd stand there and he'd tell us I don't work this for my wife and my

kids. I worked this for me. Without this program I have nothing for them. I throw them out of windows

too. And Phil taught me to touch physically touch in a penitentiary which is a very risky

business. But they shared about what they had experienced about being powerless.

And they helped me to understand that I am without power. That's my problem.

I have always known that. That's one of the things that kept me scared all the time.

I've known since I was little that if I ever succeeded at anything it was just pure dumb luck.

I also knew that everybody around me would expect me to repeat that the next day and I didn't

know how I'd done it the first time. I used to play a little football and I can remember a

quarterback sneak that worked one time and it was nothing but air between me and the goal and it

stunned me to the point where I had to stop and turn around to see what had happened. And I got

me. And that's destroying my life. I had stopped to look and see if the train was coming and it was

already there. And I began to think about this business of being powerless. In and of myself I

am nothing. And I know that. I don't have what it takes to finish anything. I'm a sprinter not

a long distance runner. And I know that. I have always known that. And there was a little piece

of the puzzle. And then Bruce, God bless him. I talk a lot about Bruce because he he was my guide.

He's three weeks over now and I'm sponsoring him because he didn't believe what he told me.

But that doesn't matter. I did. That's all it counts. The Bruce and I talked one one day after

the second step class about this business. I was really afraid because we're talking about sanity

and insanity. And at that time I was classified by the state prison board as associate path type

two and a psychopath. And one of the reasons I was in the penitentiary instead of the hospital

is because of that classification. You can't treat either one of those.

So they don't try. They don't bother. You have to have a conscience to treat one. Psychopath

supposedly doesn't know the difference between right and erotic doesn't know the difference

in your psychotic between right and wrong. I knew the difference between right and wrong. I just

didn't give a damn. And you can't treat that. And I had visions of having to spend the rest

of my life on a psychiatrist's cost trying to unravel the madness that I had just spent 34 years

trying to do and fail. And you all said, no, no. That is what we do here. Bruce told me the most

important word in the second step for me was the word restore. He says, Don, you haven't always

been a raving maniac. There was a time you were saying and God in his mercy will restore you to

that point. And you get to start over. And that was confirmed by my bullshit sifter.

They used the word reborn. That means start over. He also gently said, we're not going to worry

about when you went crazy. We will assume that happened about three seconds after you were born.

Then we won't worry about tracking that down. And he said, you're not a psychopath. And you're

not a sociopath. Although I can present the symptoms of either one of those with the drop of a drink.

You get my back against the wall and see if I don't look like a psychopath. Get in my way and I'll

kill you. At least that's what my eyes say. I didn't, I never did want to do that. They said

they're not wrong with you except you suffer from alcoholic insanity, which in this book is

defines the simply even my sick mind can deal with it. You know, a story about a young fellow

car salesman who was now working for the company that he used to own stopped into a bar for lunch

one day. I figured well, hell, I've eaten and I've been in a little while. I can safely have a

drink if I put it in my milk and did and promptly ended up back in another sanitarium somewhere.

And it says whatever the precise definition, the word we call that insanity.

Lack of proportion and the ability to think straight. God, that's me. If one works, take 10.

I either had two or three jobs or none. I didn't drive a car. I drove a 49 mercury convertible

maroon with leopard skin sheet covers. I walked and people had been telling me for years that I

couldn't think straight. You see, I'm rubber minded. The piece that's mission in my head

means that when the truth goes in, it gets bent by the gap. By the time it comes out, it's not the truth.

Bruce told me even the truth wouldn't work for me. And because it wouldn't, that he suggested,

since my best thinking put me into penitentiary, that I better forget everything I think I know

about anything, particularly about God. Because I had been on a spiritual search since I was born.

Somehow I've known, deep within me, that my answer would be spiritual.

But I'm a thief at heart. I've been trying to steal that for years. I was one of those early on that

thought Timothy Leary had a genuine answer. And I had me some spiritual awakening, I can promise

and I've been in and out of the river. And I've, well, we didn't get it all the way.

I've had some spiritual awakenings, no substance to them, but I've tried. If you're new here

and you're concerned as you probably are as to whether or not you can work these steps correctly,

let me set your mind at ease. You can't. It takes rigorous honesty and I've never met a new drunk

that has even a little bit of that. I didn't. I did this whole thing for the wrong reason from the

get-go and the joy of it is it worked anyway. I came here genuinely frightened because I didn't

know the difference between right and wrong. I didn't know I was incapable of differentiating

the truth from the false, which gave me another thing to identify with. It said neither did you.

And it talked about this honesty and I went to my sponsor and said I'm scared. I may be

constitutionally incapable of being honest. And Phil says, well, I think you'll be all right. That's

probably the first honest statement you've ever made. To take my third step to give my life and

go to the care of God. But I had one last real hang-up, you know, dead at the core and still

when it came to that final surrender, I had a hanger. You gave me the good news that my life

would not be worthless, that God had something important for me to do. That was not good news.

I knew that what he wanted me to do, if I gave my life to him, would go to the corner of Colfax

and Broadway and hand out watchtower magazines and ask perfect strangers have you been saved,

brother. And I didn't want to do that. But I didn't want to live as I'd been living either.

And came to a place where if that's what God has in mind for me, that's exactly what I'll do.

And then I went to take my life to God and I said my prayer and I'm an alcoholic. I can handle

anything that comes along as long as it goes boom shakes to it. I said that prayer and

absolutely nothing happened. Nothing scary. And I had been there long enough to know

that if your sponsor tells you you go do something and you go do it and you don't get the results

you think you ought to be giving, go bet you Adam. And I did. You know what his response to me was

that I should be grateful that I didn't have a flash of light but they nearly killed me all my

life. And then he did what the people of Alcoholics Anonymous do better than anybody else on this

planet. Each one of us in this room has got a certain allotted amount of time and maybe that's

it for this trip. And he took some of his precious time and gave it to me so that I could feel

okay. He shared with me his spiritual experience. This is the man that had killed some people and

I could listen to him because I could look in his eyes and know this man is not capable of killing

anybody and he told me that's right. I have been changed and I want you all to know particularly

you new folks. I did not stay with Alcoholics Anonymous to learn how to cope with life.

My copor broke years ago and the spare parts are out of out of style now. I came here to be changed

and the promise of this program in this book and in my life experience is that we get to have an

entire psychic change if that's what we wanted more new people and he had been changed and he talked

to me about the God he had found that was gentle. He says, Don God knows you probably can't

have one more big shock anyway. Not in the shape you're in. That God would reveal himself to me

as I revealed myself to me and he sent me off to do an inventory and two and a half hours later

when I was finished with it. I came back to him to do that first step and he left me right in the

eye and he said that's garbage. You wrote that to impress me. Get away from me. Now I was baffled

again. Here's the guy who's just giving me all the love that there is and two and a half hours later

he's treating me me. I had risked being honest to be part of you and he told me it was garbage

and so I ran off and found a fellow who would listen to my first step and he spent the next

couple hours justifying my behavior to me telling me it went all the way because all I'd done was

put down some of the bizarre things I had done and I had a genuine spiritual awakening as that took

place because I became aware that once again I had picked somebody who would tell me what I wanted

to hear so I could keep doing what I wanted to do and if I didn't stop doing that I was a dead

cookie. Please understand that my definition of spiritual awakening is very simple. Anytime

any alcoholic has any glimmering of truth that's a spiritual awakening and with that is the beginning.

I went back and searched myself to find out do I want this more than life itself and this was

the simple promises that I was given early done if you will do this you can find a way to live

that makes sense to you. That's a rather novel concept don't you think. I spent my whole life

trying to make it make sense to you. I've never considered that my life had to make sense to me

and I can tell you today with great joy that there are vast numbers of people that my life

doesn't make any sense to at all but it does make sense to me. Did I want to stop feeling useless?

Yeah if I'm crafting this damn thing I don't want to feel useless on top of that so I went back

into this thing as perfectly as I knew how and I did what it said in this book if you're new here

tonight let me caution you. If you don't want what we had then don't do these steps

because if you do what this says we did you'll get what we got. In 1966 federal narcotics

agents came to my house but they came through my house. They came through the front door and the

back door and the side window knocked me to the floor and were being rude and my four-year-old

son let out a shriek in this big cop put a gun to his head and almost shot him and I went past

resentment at light speed and the hate and nursed that for a long time I nursed it all the way through

the federal penitentiary and out you know how we alcoholics are got I had a marvelous scheme I

wasted six months of my thought life scheming how I was going to get that one I won't tell you

how because there's some new people here and they may still have those ideas it was marvelous

when it came time to do that inventory all this book said I had to do is put down a list of all

the people that I was mad at and he was there and that said I was supposed to put down why there

were 22 reasons I was mad at him that's pretty egotistical one little bust and I got 22 things

I'm mad at and the set I was supposed to put down what that was affecting in my life will tell everything

and it suggested that I take a new attitude toward this person and I really genuinely tried

that he like myself was perhaps spiritually sick and I can agree with that sick people do that kind

of work and we still hated him and then this magnificent thing got to me before I had the slightest

idea we didn't get me and got me the next suggestion was that I set aside whatever wrongs you may have

done and resolutely look for my mistakes and it burst upon me I've invited him to the house I

gave him an engraved invitation I'd been smuggling marijuana out of Mexico and not paying the tax on

and that made me his business that made me fair game for him and anybody like you and I began

the path toward freedom my troubles truly are of my own making I cannot ever again say to anybody

you did that to me I got me here I did it and I am convinced that before I could look at that I needed

some grace and a sense that God was with me because the terrible guilt it would have come from

knowing that I was responsible for almost killing my kid I'm gonna live with that but there's an

interesting thing about this program there is no way man at the end of the third step prayer

it comes at the end of the seventh step prayer which kind of indicates to me that from the time I

make that first prayer until I'm through with all this the whole thing is one great big prayer

and I'm in a state of grace and I believe that because that's how it happened for me I could look

at that and say my God if that's how I'm behaving something else better around my life

I went through a whole thing there I learned about fear I'd been living with fear all my life

I was baffled about that too the guys I grew up with said you're not supposed to be afraid

of anything and I was just plain afraid and I didn't know what I was afraid of

so the suggestion was well let's make a list of things that you're afraid of we'll put some names

on them and I've got bizarre yeah I'm afraid of being alone then I'm afraid of being with people

I'm afraid to talk I'm afraid you won't ask me to I'm afraid to feel anything because it's always

been inappropriate I cry at hockey games and laugh at funerals things come over me and I don't know

what to do with them desperately afraid of this there's a loony lives in there

a maniac scared to death of them because you can't think straight the main problem of the

alcoholic centers in the mind I have a mind that's incapable at certain times of thinking

straight enough to keep me out of trouble I have a set of emotions that we're on the way to do

something we both want to do and you say to me we have to do this like hell we do I have the kind

of a mind the kind of fear I'm talking about is the time that comes over me at 8 10 in the morning

when the alarm was set for 8 so I could get to work at 8 30 and I start thinking oh god

I get up at 8 so I can miss the traffic and I'm gonna be caught in traffic by the time I get there

I'm gonna be 20 minutes late and my supervisor is going to say put where the hell have you been

in such a tone that I will have to say if none of your business he will say it is my business I

say you're sorry and I will say no you don't I quit and knowing that's what's going to happen I

don't even get out of bed I go get done kind of fear that paralyzes me because I don't even

know what I'm afraid of how can I deal with it it paralyzes me and the only relief I ever got

was putting that booze or something else on it and then of course the day came when it didn't

work it got me involved in the fear I learned about God's grace and mercy at this point do you know

our porn erotic brothers and sisters have to learn how to deal with fear God bless them they

have to go through some horrible things and learn all kinds of techniques when they come up on fear

all we have to do is to ask God to remove that fear and to direct our thinking and our attention

to what he wants us to be and it goes away I'd make that up first time I thought it was in the

bullshit sifter and I tried it and it worked I tried it and it worked I no longer have any

nameless fears every now and then I get scared I can tell you just exactly what I'm scared of

and I immediately say whoops take this away and direct my thinking to what you want me to be

and then I get on about my business as if he were going to do that and he does I was about two and a half

years before I could do the sex inventory I in addition to the booze did an awful lot of speed

in wire mine inhalers and LSD and it was a very confusing thing and when I got it done it fit on

the back of that you are up here and I learned some more about mercy during that I generally

couldn't face any of that and I just asked that it be dealt with and over that period of time I

was healed of whatever was wrong there then I was able to do the work the way the book says

and clear up those few indiscretions not a nice word this sounds like it was a big deal but that

first inventory was a shabby little effort God for you new folks don't worry about it

you see there wasn't a whole lot left here my memory didn't work too well man I came upon something

that I'd finally done and I went off to take that fist up what a day that was I picked the fella who

had the same amount of sobriety I had because you had told me to find someone to share this with

it wouldn't be overly effective and Jim was as crazy as I was nothing I could say

Jim was in that pantantry for a crime that he will never remember he was the first one in

Colorado to be convicted of vehicular homicide he killed somebody in a blackout when he was drunk

and I've always filled a deep sadness for Jim because he'll never know what he did all he knows

is what the price was and I came to love him dearly he's out there one afternoon as people

were about to do and he listened to me as I shared with him the failures of my life

fears and the wretchedness and all of the stuff that I didn't want to be anymore

so the joy of it is once we do that we don't have to be that anymore he goes away and somewhere in

that afternoon a thing happened to me that I didn't understand at the time I just felt

I stopped being alone I found you know why I was so alone my god on this planet there was me

and whoever I needed you to be and that's who lived on this planet and that's the only thing

that afternoon there became me and a fellow named Jim there were two people on the planet now

and I've been a long since I would like to share with you if I can do without bond you can

imagine how close Jim and I became and I got out before he did and one of the jobs I got when I

got out was driving an old delivery truck and the only thing wrong with that job was that every

afternoon after everybody else got to go home I had to take the packages that were going out on

the bus up to the bus station and wait in line and I never knew when I'd get off work and that

kind of rankled me a little bit but one afternoon when I was sitting in that line

through the door walks a prison guard with Jim they're sending him back to Florida where he lived

and for a brief moment with incredible odds against it he and I got a couple minutes together

I know he's okay and he knows I'm okay which was very important that we know and that's mercy

well I finished with that fifth step and I went back to myself and did what it said to do next

which was to review that and see if I'd done a third job and I had another one of special things

happened to me I was no longer a sprinter for the first time that I could remember I'd finished

something to the very best of my ability that never happened before and once it came a certain

insurance knowledge that that was a shabby effort and I had a lot of work to do but for the time

being that was it I was done and I asked God to go ahead and run my life whatever he has in mind

for me is better than anything I have in mind for me and that please don't let the things I

haven't found yet kill me before I get to him found some yesterday afternoon I'm still here

so he's still working apparently it was at this point that I began to be filled with evangelical

fury it's no way I can describe it I got free locked up for the night from the Colorado State

Penitentiary and I've been free ever since my sponsor had sent me off to start working on the

eighth and ninth step now his thought was this first of all the list started out with all the

people that had hurt me and then I was to add anybody else I can thank you I wasn't on any of

these other lists because he said you know if you met him you heard him somehow

just take care of that but the key to this was this I knew what I had done to these people by now

but he said you don't know what that did to them so what I want you to do is make that list out

and then close your eyes at each name and picture that person in front of you

and see if you can feel a willingness within you as you look them right in the eye to say to them

I have caused you harm will you please tell me what I have to do to get the books to bounce

very risky and I got free there's no great let wait taken from me but that night I was lifted

as I realized that there is no one on this planet that I'm afraid to look in the eye and say

five hundred you tell me what I have to do and we'll get straight

one of my big problems that I was always either better than you were or worse than you were

we never had a chance never had a chance well they wouldn't let me off to see you and I wouldn't

let you in to see me and that's a good thing because man I was filled with the fury

how to screw it up Bruce was never gonna get out of there and he had gotten through this

so I asked him about that and he says well some of them we can write letters to them clear up

and the rest of them with God's grace you're just gonna have to live with until you can get

to see them that the key was in the willingness to do so not in the doing and so I made a list of

people to write to and a list of people to go see and had him check it he said no no no no

I think this person that you want to write a letter to you better wait and go see them

and this guy you're so anxious to go see you can probably handle that with a letter

disappointing to see my judgment so

it is at the eighth and ninth stuff that I wish I had three hours to share with you

because it was at this point that I have experienced

what it means to be alive and to be a service to God most of those amends are simple but there's

three of them that I talked about that weren't simple

how do you make amends to mom that worries me just going to mom and saying I'm sorry mom I

didn't mean to do that he's not gonna get it and it was a while after I got out before my

mother would see me and the day came she would see me and I found a way not in those exact words

to say what do I have to do the secret to using that method to make amends is that as soon as you

say what do I have to do you shut up listen well they tell you she said honey all I've ever

wanted was for you to be happy so on a regular basis to this day I go bomb my mother's house

happier now or she believed this would not take but you know I had no reason to ever believe that

she would ever ever be able to count on me again so that didn't matter I wasn't doing it

for that reason we have a good time today my my mother graduated from college when she was 63

and she's a pistol she's a go-getter I quit trying to steal from my father quit trying to steal his

ideas and his personality and his money and his time I robbed him a lot of time my dad and I just

have fun today my father is an unmeasured genius lives in a 48 room house full of stuff and that's

what his mind is made up of and I'm loving and his statement to me last week this is the man who

said I could not come again was Don you welcome as the flowers and may I'm back to kids I damaged

my kids I drove my kids in and out of crash pads and in and out of jails and in and out of foster

homes I damaged my children and there is no way to fix that a dear a friend of mine reminded me

there's nothing I can ever do to change what I did to them all I can do is give them an arena

or a place where they can get well to and give them the very best of what I am today

we almost had to lock my older son up for some very serious problems and the day came when I

could no longer help him and I had to tell him there's nothing more I can do we try to eat

EKGs and EEGs and all that because he was getting bizarre and he was hurting people and I said

Terry you're going to have to find your answer the same place I found mine inside and I asked him

do you still believe in God and he said no dad I don't think so but because you do I will keep

praying it's what you did hey that's what you gave me that I could take home to my kid because

I couldn't help him a week later he came out of his dungeon and said let's check my eyes and

that's what it was he had a weird eye condition that made it impossible for he saw the world in

a distorted way hell I know about that we undistorted him and he joined the Air Force and went to Alaska

and had two babies he's coming home in September to go to work with me and he hated me

you gave me by giving me contact with God in the wisdom to know that I had powerless

the strength to put my son out in the snow when it was 20 below and it may sound a little bizarre

but if you're alcoholic you understand that I think he's one of us if he isn't he'll do till

one shows up but he was destroying our home and as much as I loved him I discovered one day

that for a year and a half I'd been saving him when I was killing him and that if I kept trying

to fix that kid he was guaranteed to die by my efforts and I did the hardest thing I've ever

had to do I said you have to go now not tomorrow now you have to go and he hated me and he went

out in the snow when he slept in the snow that winter underneath some stairs that he

condominium and God gave me the grace and the strength not to go see where he was sleeping

you see with me he had one chance in the thousand of living

with God he had unlimited odds and he's one of God's babies too now he's all right today

he works with me he's running my business right now I hope but someday this tall

blonde good looking kid who hadn't got very much smarts can walk through that door

he'd just be kind to him and gave him the same message he gave me

because he's no longer in my hands I have two little step-notters today God bless both of them

they drive me crazy I love them dearly and I don't understand them at all but we communicate

pretty good in my house because of you not well I was I can still remember the day was

a honey six months ago they were yelling and screaming because that's what they do best

and sometimes I knew that day I couldn't live with and I sent them to their rooms

and I was in good spiritual condition well I'm slammed the door so I went out and took both

doors off of hinges and took them to the basement I faced with the facts that I had to go down

to the basement and carry them damn doors back up I said one again a short while back

I met a sane lady and was given whatever it takes to say yes I'll live with you

and we're engaged upon the greatest adventure I've ever been part of I found out with her early

but that wasn't enough this time it took more than that you see they came when I chose to die rather

than live one more day as I was and somehow in this process I reached a place where I was willing

to grow old and I found that I'm willing to grow old with her and man is that something

we never try to fix each other she works pretty good anyhow and she puts up with things from me that

I wouldn't put up with from me and it's a joy just a joy there came a time when I I've worked

steps so it was on a spiritual path my life made sense I had a job and a place to live

was active in AA and it was a gap something was missing and I didn't have any idea what it was

I 12 set because I'm left the word obligation isn't right I don't have any choice I'm left with

a sense of gratitude that will strangle me if I don't do something with it and so I go give it away

as fast as I can and it was still something missing and you taught me early on when you find somebody

who has had something that you want you hook on to them and you latch on you don't let go

until you find out what that is and how they got that and I met a fellow named Gary Brown who by the

way is talking about her serenity I guess on the 4th of July don't miss him he's marvelous very unlikely

fellow tall good-looking college educated you want to sell clothes you put them on Gary Brown

let him walk around and people buy them and he had something I wanted and he was headed for

an area assembly over Montrose with his wife and daughter and I said I'm going with you he didn't

have any choice he really didn't he hadn't planned on me but I wonder what he had he said he had

GSR now I didn't know whether that was a condition or property that's what he had and so I went

and I said I thought at that time everybody in AA had been sober forever and were saints

and I sat in my first AA business meeting God was that something I went back to Bethel real quick

they were fighting like they met business over things that had no sense but that night

at the restaurant these same people were sitting at a long table and I walked in and stood for a

minute and I heard laughter laughter the kind of laughter I'd never heard before these people

who that afternoon were ready to kill each other over meaningless stuff were laughing just because

it was fun to laugh and because they were together and the jokes stuck and they laughed anyway and I

can remember the urgency of the feeling wondering will I ever be part of that and one of the trusted

servants got up from the table and came to me and invited me to sit with them and it was that

easy I caught GSR on the spot and the gap the thing that was missing has been filled I owe this

fellowship more than my life I have an obligation to the alcoholic that walks in that door 50 years

from now when I'm dead and gone and the obligation is very simple but that person gets the exact

same message that I got that made my life make sense and I'm responsible for that

I'm responsible to make sure that I don't find anything fancy to fix this thing up with

got to take a couple more minutes to give you what's excited me the last two years

this thing is incredible it was put together by drunks you heard David talked about the struggle

but once they got it right it was put into the hands of the rest of us

now you put that anything that's written down in the hands of several million alcoholics

and every one of them has got to say something like that would be just a little bit better

if only and you know we haven't been able to change the word of it there must be some power

there I'm thrilled to think of this thing here these two guys these two drunks who couldn't even

get themselves walked up in the right place start doing something and they count noses on a

regular basis and one night they're sitting in the kitchen and it turns out there's about 40

that news was so momentous that they decided we better write a book about that

400 million people on the planet 40 of them are doing something that works and we're going to write

a book about them and we inherited that book and everybody that uses simple way it's meant to use

get something done we belong to the first generation and recorded history where alcoholics do not

have to die on alcoholic death that gives me the chills my research has taken me back as far as Noah

oh that was a beauty God gave him kind of an important job to do and he argued about how

much snake bite medicine he got to take and the first thing he did when he hit dry land was plant

grapes as soon as they were riphe stomped them into wine got rowing drunken through his whole

family out of their home that is not social drinking from that day to this except for brief

individual recoveries or brief movements alcoholics have died horrible deaths and their families

have lived in horrible circumstances and I get to belong to the place where God sent the message

that if you're alcoholic you do not ever have to drink again where we were given away by which

we could put our own lives back together and our families could get well and the dreams that

were dead could come up again I owe something to that I belong to you I will do anything that you

asked me to do because I know that everything you asked me to do is going to be vastly beyond my

ability to do it and the minute I know I can't do it I call on my partner and I say all right you

got me into this now you come with me and we'll go try it and I can't begin to describe the

adventure I've had I just had the privilege of serving two years as Colorado's area delegate

and I didn't want to do that I'm not delegate material and I was afraid I'd screw this thing up

I went to Mike Rainbow said Mike I'm afraid I'll screw this thing up

they said kid they're nothing you could do in two years to screw this thing up anyway just go

have some fun

and I did but the richness of this year can be summed up in my 10 year old daughter

in making amends I've learned to listen to my children I used to live 120 miles away from

Denver and once a week I had to go into town and I got thinking about what this was doing to my

boys did it bother them and you know I lived the kind of life when I left there was no guarantee I was

coming back or that if I did come back that there wouldn't be a whole bunch of freaks right behind me

and I asked my boys that one day they were bothered and they said no we don't mind if you go

but please tell us when you're coming back you see my children don't need any more surprises

my young stepdaughters live in a city and their real fathers are Denver detective

and I hear things and they're not safe when I'm gone they don't feel good my 10 year old when I go out

at night says where are you going dad and I can hear it in her voice

and if I say I'm going to an a meeting she just relaxes and walks away because I belong to AA

my children know I'll be home tonight that's good enough reason for me to stay here until I'm

old and gray there's times I get in their way and yell at them but they won't be around I'm

going to close with a gift for you I can tell you that I love you and there's no way to ever convey

that with the depth that I feel it but I can tell you how I see you I spent my whole life trying

to find out who I was and I became like old legions I was everybody I'd ever met read about heard

about scene oh god it was noisy and I tried to sort all that out and couldn't and I came to you

and you told me that what we're going to do was like what had happened when the fellow

first saw the statue of Michelangelo's David I don't know if you've seen it or not but it

breathes and he was so awestruck that he went to Michelangelo and said how'd you do that

said well I took this block of stone and I chipped away everything that didn't look like David

that's what I got that's alcoholics anonymous for me with God is the sculptor

and you and these steps and what we do here is the chisel and me is a very willing block of stone

one day at a time we're chipping away everything that doesn't look like dawn and so far this is

what we've got thank you