# 38th Texas State Convention — MP3

- Archive ID: `DP-1983-HOUSTON`
- Source: https://storiesofrecovery.org/downloads/BBA/DonPritts-HoustonTX~1983.mp3
- Duration: 01:13:47
- Audio SHA-256: `c0bf39aa973e4d504da1e1ceeb1e31d9ea922ad84f8b9106c9f40b5e3ceb3dba`

> Automated timestamped draft (faster-whisper base.en). Names, specialized terms, and unclear passages require human review.

## Transcript

**[00:00:00]** Hi, my name is Don, I'm an alcoholic. By God's grace, and because of your loving, caring attention, it has
**[00:00:11]** not been necessary for me to have a drink of alcohol, or any other that weird stuff, since
**[00:00:17]** December 26th of 1967. And for that, I'm astonished. I've given this talk several times in English,
**[00:00:32]** and not I understand I'm supposed to give it in Texan. We'll try. My friend Bob says
**[00:00:39]** that I'm just elegant, but there's a price that's too high for me to pay. My mother and
**[00:00:45]** my wife, who is here, make me wear this saying to prove that I respect you. Do you all understand
**[00:00:52]** that I respect you? Someone take it off then. This wristwatch is easy. I sometimes don't
**[00:01:11]** know exactly the direction to go from here, because I'm dead serious about this program.
**[00:01:19]** I try not to be too serious about me, but from the first day that I met you, I realized we're
**[00:01:25]** dealing with life and death here. So one of my prayers before I talk is that I hope I don't
**[00:01:32]** get cute tonight. You found me in the Colorado State Penitentiary. It was my third penitentiary.
**[00:01:43]** I didn't like it any better than I did the first one. And I want you to please understand,
**[00:01:51]** I have to talk about prison because that's where I was, but also understand I was never
**[00:01:57]** a big-time gangster. The big-time gangsters don't go to the penitentiary, only the dummies.
**[00:02:05]** In fact, one of my big capers, one night I was a little drunk, and I was living in a chicken
**[00:02:21]** coop at the time that I had. That was cool where I came from, right? At about three o'clock in the
**[00:02:30]** morning I didn't have anything better to do. So I put on my black peacoat and my black watch cap
**[00:02:37]** and got on my bicycle and went off to rob a house. That made sense to me at that time,
**[00:02:43]** in fact that still makes sense. I went through that house for over two hours and left and forgot to
**[00:02:50]** take anything. Now you know what kind of a criminal I was. Everything that I know,
**[00:03:05]** I've experienced since I met you, and as a result of you carrying me from my first day
**[00:03:12]** into the book called Alcoholics Anonymous, I had marvelous sponsorship. I had the kind
**[00:03:19]** of sponsors who didn't ever say to me, Don, as soon as you're comfortable, we'll work these steps.
**[00:03:27]** They said to me, if you ever hope to get comfortable, we're going to start right now working these steps.
**[00:03:36]** I, one of my favorite words in our book is the word baffle, because that described my whole life,
**[00:03:44]** baffle. Since I've come to you, I've got an un-baffled. One of the things that
**[00:03:53]** baffled me was that I really never did want to end up in the places I ended up,
**[00:03:59]** and I really never did want to do the things that I kept doing,
**[00:04:04]** and I could never understand why I could never get around to doing the things that I really did want to do.
**[00:04:10]** Another thing that baffled me was why I went to my first penitentiary, and you explained that to me.
**[00:04:19]** You see, I went to prison the first time, because I couldn't find my way home. I got lost.
**[00:04:25]** That's right, there's a federal law against getting lost, if you're in the Navy.
**[00:04:29]** And I was. I loved the Navy. I really did. I loved the ship. I loved the work I did.
**[00:04:47]** I loved everything about it. And it used to baffle me, because they'd give me these little 24-hour
**[00:04:53]** liberties, and I'd be weeks getting back sometimes. And I couldn't understand that, and they couldn't
**[00:05:00]** understand that. And this last one, they gave me a 24-hour liberty, and I was 23 days getting home,
**[00:05:08]** and by the time I got there, they had moved home all the way to Korea, and you know, they really
**[00:05:15]** were mad at me. There's the sailor. So they put me in prison and gave me a bad conduct discharge
**[00:05:30]** and sent me home at 19-baffled. I'm wondering what the hell's this all about? You explained that to me.
**[00:05:39]** I know today why that happened. It happened because I'm allergic to alcohol,
**[00:05:47]** because if I put alcohol in my system, I'd develop a craving for more alcohol that will not stop
**[00:05:56]** until it decides to stop. And until the craving is gone, I no longer have any choices about what
**[00:06:03]** I want to do with my life. I have to drink, and it was that simple. It tied that loose end up.
**[00:06:11]** Once I start, I can't quit, and my early sponsors made sure that I understood that.
**[00:06:20]** And just as soon as I understood that, they said, you know, that's completely academic if you
**[00:06:26]** never take a drink. There's something else wrong with you too. I have a mind that can't remember
**[00:06:33]** sometimes that I get lost. I'll kid myself into thinking that I really do need this. It'll make
**[00:06:41]** me feel better. I thought one time I drank because I was nervous and found out I got nervous because
**[00:06:49]** I drank. There's a piece of the puzzle missing up here. My neighbor has it. He owns a bar, but
**[00:07:02]** I've never seen him drunk. But I don't have whatever it is that allows me to stop when it's time to
**[00:07:08]** stop. I lost the power of choice somewhere. And by God's grace, I've never gained it back.
**[00:07:18]** And I hope to God I never do because you give me a choice about alcohol, and I wouldn't be here.
**[00:07:23]** I'd be in Huntsville probably. I didn't take the easy ones either.
**[00:07:35]** Is there anybody here tonight that's in our first 30 days of sobriety?
**[00:07:40]** Oh, God bless you. I'll stand to be you. I mean life's good for me today. But getting good is where
**[00:08:01]** all the fun is. When I was in my first 30 days of sobriety, I was laying in the Denver County
**[00:08:10]** jail wondering what was next. I'm afraid I might get the answer. I'd like to share with you very
**[00:08:21]** briefly my last week before I died because I need to always remember it. And it's the beginnings of
**[00:08:31]** the journey that I want to share with you tonight. Christmas week of 1967 was that blessed week
**[00:08:40]** that we all get somewhere along the line that allowed me to see me for exactly who I was.
**[00:08:48]** And what I had become with no more excuses, no more cons, and no more blinders. And what I saw
**[00:08:56]** was kind of wretched. At the time we were living in a $40 a month basement apartment. I see we,
**[00:09:04]** I had two little boys that I'd been dragging around this country with me
**[00:09:08]** because I couldn't sit still near the end. And we were living in a $40 a month basement apartment
**[00:09:14]** and the lady above us that rented us their own had cats. She didn't have some, a few tabbies
**[00:09:22]** running around. This lady had a thing for cats. Hundreds of them. It seemed to me. And her place
**[00:09:28]** was cleaner than mine was. And that's the week that I saw that. I have never had heroin.
**[00:09:41]** Because of my keen alcoholic mind. When I was 14 years old, they showed us a movie about junkies.
**[00:09:51]** Those were heroin addicts. And that was such an ugly creature. I determined that I would never
**[00:09:57]** be a junkie. And if I never took heroin, that couldn't happen. Now I have unfortunately put
**[00:10:02]** everything else I could get into a needle in me. But never heroin. That's the week that I woke up
**[00:10:09]** somehow and turned to the guy next to me and started tearing and said,
**[00:10:12]** my God, we're in a junkie pad. And it was my house. And that's the week I saw that.
**[00:10:23]** I was beginning to reach the point where my dreams were dead. And my parents' dreams were dead.
**[00:10:34]** And my kids' dreams were dead. We had good dreams, how I didn't start to be a bum.
**[00:10:41]** That was the week that Christmas day I took the boys down to Grandma and Grandpa's.
**[00:10:51]** So they could see Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas. And on the way, if you've been on a road like I
**[00:10:57]** have, you know that there's money in the streets of America. That is true. Not much. But if you
**[00:11:02]** walk around, we head down all the time and then see you'll bump into some money. And we found
**[00:11:06]** a dollar in the snow that day. And then we got to Grandma and Grandpa's. And my dad met us at the
**[00:11:14]** door and he said, Don, I'm sorry. Your mother says I can't let you in anymore. She can't stand
**[00:11:20]** watching you die. Now, I remembered last year that that wasn't the first time that that had happened.
**[00:11:30]** But that was the first time I had seen what I'd done to my mother. And then dad, God bless
**[00:11:37]** him. He snuck us in anyway. And I got to see what I'd done to him. And I had to look at what I'd
**[00:11:45]** done to my kids. That's a hell of a thing to put the kids through on Christmas day. And on the way
**[00:11:51]** back home, we found a Christmas tree lot. Now, if you're planning to go off and do what I did in
**[00:11:57]** the strong Christmas, any Christmas tree lot in the country, about 430 Christmas afternoon will
**[00:12:03]** sell you any tree they got for dollar. And we bought one. And naturally, it didn't fit the room.
**[00:12:09]** I'm an alcoholic. I got to have the drama. The damn thing was too big. We bought the big one.
**[00:12:19]** And on the way home, we stopped at the public merchandise mark. And I used the last of my
**[00:12:25]** glibness to get the man to give us a little old pair of cowboy boots and shirts. And my kids
**[00:12:29]** would have a Christmas present. On credit, of course, I didn't have any money. And I can still
**[00:12:34]** remember. I really meant to pay for that as soon as the welfare check got there. And that's how
**[00:12:41]** we went in the Christmas night. And all of that gathered together and reduced me to a place where
**[00:12:50]** my very first inventory, honest inventory, brought me to a state of mind where I was no
**[00:12:56]** longer willing to live that way anymore. I could find nothing of value in me. So I took a massive
**[00:13:09]** overdose of amphetamines. It took a two month supply and shoved them up my arm and drank everything
**[00:13:14]** in the house I could find made down to die. And I think I made it. Although, when I woke up the
**[00:13:23]** next morning with the police at the door, I was in this terrible state. God, if you ever have to do
**[00:13:29]** that, I hope you make it. That's the most crushing thing in the world to lay down and die and have
**[00:13:33]** the cops come get you the next morning. After the initial shock, of course, I relaxed. For people
**[00:13:43]** like me, going to jail is a rest. Now, if any of you folks haven't finished drinking,
**[00:13:54]** and jail is in the future for you, so that you'll survive it, let me give you the rules of county
**[00:14:01]** jail. I lie to you for 10 minutes. You lie to me for 10 minutes. Then we both go take a nap.
**[00:14:12]** That's it. If you go on the county jail, that's all you need to know.
**[00:14:17]** Isn't that a hell of a way for grownups to live? And they took me away this time and they were
**[00:14:28]** really upset. During that week, I had realized that something was desperately wrong and I wanted
**[00:14:34]** help, but I didn't have even the honesty to go ask for help. I had set myself up to be arrested
**[00:14:40]** on a little video fraud in the seat charge of getting me six months in the county jail and
**[00:14:45]** fattened me up. That isn't why they were there. They didn't find that until the next day. They
**[00:14:49]** came loaded for bear this time. Three years to life is what we were talking about on the first
**[00:14:54]** charge. And the DA promised me that if I beat him on that one, he'd bring the other eight one at a
**[00:15:00]** time. He'd tie me up in that jail till I was an old man, he said, because I was through. And it
**[00:15:09]** was during this time that God entered my life and I didn't even know it. I have to share with you
**[00:15:16]** the power of God as I understand it. And it's all based on mercy. They ended up offering me a
**[00:15:26]** hell of a deal. Everybody thought I was a drug addict, including me. So the Denver district attorney
**[00:15:39]** and the federal government, because I was on federal parole at the time, they both had
**[00:15:43]** custody problems going on. It made a little deal. If I'd plead guilty to one particular charge,
**[00:15:48]** they'd send me down to Fort Worth to that federal drug hospital and cure me.
**[00:15:54]** Now I had reached the place in my life where I was willing to do anything and go anywhere that
**[00:16:00]** anybody suggested. Because you got to remember, I just killed myself and then woke up. And here
**[00:16:07]** I am trapped in a life and in a person that is incapable of functioning at all. I don't know how
**[00:16:13]** to live and I don't know how to die. And here I am stuck in it. I got to find something. I'd have done
**[00:16:18]** anything. But there's also a part of me and probably always will be that's in a hole. See,
**[00:16:26]** I had healed up for a couple months. The alcoholic ego heals in about 33 seconds, I think.
**[00:16:36]** If you put me in a place where there's doctors and books, I'm in heaven. I can read. I spent my
**[00:16:45]** whole life presenting symptoms. I love doctors, particularly head doctors. God bless them.
**[00:16:55]** I knew how they operated. I'd been getting dope from them for a long time.
**[00:17:00]** They would tell me what was wrong with me. They would tell me about how long it would take to get
**[00:17:05]** that much right. They would tell me all the different steps I would go through and I'd present them
**[00:17:11]** right on time to them. And in six months I'd have been out of there, cured of drug addiction.
**[00:17:16]** And today I'd be locked away somewhere mad or I'd be dead and I know that. But because in my own
**[00:17:22]** sick way I'd surrounded, I truly believe they've got it entered into my life. If you've ever made
**[00:17:27]** a deal with the feds in the state, you know that when they say you go from here to there, that's
**[00:17:31]** what happens. They've got a lot of power and we made the deal. And they gave me this little
**[00:17:41]** old sentence and suspended it and turned me over to the federal people to take me away.
**[00:17:45]** And five days later I'm in the Colorado State Penitentiary saying, wait a minute,
**[00:17:49]** this isn't the summer camp I signed up for. And I'm so grateful for that today.
**[00:17:56]** In his words, I'm God put me in the one place where I could hear what I had to hear to continue
**[00:18:05]** living. I believe if you're new here tonight at this convention this weekend, you're in exactly
**[00:18:14]** the right place, somebody here will say something. It'll get you through today and get you back here
**[00:18:20]** tomorrow for you to hear something that'll keep you coming back until you can finally hear what
**[00:18:25]** we're trying to say. And so there I am in the penitentiary not having the slightest idea that
**[00:18:33]** alcoholism is my problem. Laying in a cell one day and the guards are everybody downstairs,
**[00:18:41]** we ask them guys here you will listen to. They bring us down here's these three convicts,
**[00:18:49]** but they had told me I would listen to them and I did. And oh boy, what a day that was.
**[00:18:55]** This guy got up and he said my name's Doc. And I'm an alcoholic and that means that I'm
**[00:19:00]** powerless over alcohol. And all of the other circumstances of my life and my life has become
**[00:19:05]** unmanageable. And if any of you smart bastards think you can still manage your lives, look at the
**[00:19:10]** reward the state just gave you for the nifty job you've been doing. Doc did what you do so well.
**[00:19:24]** He put the mirror of truth up in front of me. I couldn't deck it. And now you just three have
**[00:19:33]** random random fields. And then they mentioned to us that next Saturday you get out of the fish tank.
**[00:19:40]** We would like you to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet in the school they said.
**[00:19:47]** And Saturday came and I got to myself and I had taken enough care to put a little note in
**[00:19:52]** every one of our new cells reminding us that we'd come to school that day. Now to do that we had
**[00:19:59]** to give up the only important things that were going on in that place. Guard privileges and movie.
**[00:20:05]** And that may not sound like much to you but when that's all you got
**[00:20:11]** and that's what we gave up to go to school. You couldn't go to the Friday night of A meeting
**[00:20:16]** down there until you'd completed a five week 12 step study school. And it was important to go
**[00:20:23]** to that meeting because they let real people into that meeting from the outside. We weren't real.
**[00:20:31]** And so I began my journey. Oh God. I didn't even know who I was or what I was. And we got in there
**[00:20:38]** and these nice gentle speaking sponsors said to us for the next five weeks you have nothing to say.
**[00:20:50]** If you knew anything at all you wouldn't be here. It's a mirror of truth up again. All they loved us.
**[00:21:01]** They loved us. They gave up their movies too and their yard privileges and they gave up prison
**[00:21:09]** dignity. They gave up status in that prison to show up at that school every Saturday and Sunday
**[00:21:18]** and share with us their experience with this program. I needed to identify first of all
**[00:21:24]** what the hell's wrong with me. These don't start getting wealthy you know what's wrong.
**[00:21:30]** I'd admitted something was and I listened to Bruce that first day. You see the first day
**[00:21:36]** was the first step and the second day was the second step. Then all the new fish worked in the
**[00:21:40]** dishroom. We had all week to talk to each other about what had gone on that weekend. But Bruce
**[00:21:48]** described a day and I understand Bruce was in the penitentiary for the rest of his natural life
**[00:21:54]** because one day in downtown Denver in a shootout he killed some people. I hadn't done that.
**[00:22:00]** But he described that day. He woke up that morning knowing that nobody on this planet
**[00:22:06]** cared whether he lived or died. Well that hurts. And it upset him so much that he started to drink
**[00:22:13]** in order to kill the pain. Only that day I didn't kill the pain. It got him involved in the pain
**[00:22:20]** and the more he drank the angrier he got and then he went downtown and killed some people.
**[00:22:25]** I had waken in the morning and knew that no one cared whether I lived or died.
**[00:22:30]** And I did the same thing and did my own bizarre endings to that. I stood in the driveway of my
**[00:22:34]** dad's house one day with my two little children and knew nobody on this planet could usually
**[00:22:39]** we live or die. That hurts. So I identified with him. I had another sponsor,
**[00:22:46]** Dell remembers and we'll fill the terrace. If you were casting movies about Chinese pirates
**[00:22:54]** Phil would be the captain of the ship. He'd look mean. Phil was in the penitentiary because
**[00:23:03]** when Phil got drunk he liked to throw things out of windows. It was usually people.
**[00:23:11]** And it didn't matter to Phil whether it was the first floor or the third floor. And Phil you,
**[00:23:22]** if you knew Phil you'd know I've never met anyone that loves his family any more than Phil
**[00:23:26]** the terrace did. And he'd stand there and he'd tell us I don't work this for my wife and my
**[00:23:31]** kids. I worked this for me. Without this program I have nothing for them. I throw them out of windows
**[00:23:40]** too. And Phil taught me to touch physically touch in a penitentiary which is a very risky
**[00:23:48]** business. But they shared about what they had experienced about being powerless.
**[00:24:04]** And they helped me to understand that I am without power. That's my problem.
**[00:24:12]** I have always known that. That's one of the things that kept me scared all the time.
**[00:24:17]** I've known since I was little that if I ever succeeded at anything it was just pure dumb luck.
**[00:24:24]** I also knew that everybody around me would expect me to repeat that the next day and I didn't
**[00:24:29]** know how I'd done it the first time. I used to play a little football and I can remember a
**[00:24:37]** quarterback sneak that worked one time and it was nothing but air between me and the goal and it
**[00:24:42]** stunned me to the point where I had to stop and turn around to see what had happened. And I got
**[00:24:47]** me. And that's destroying my life. I had stopped to look and see if the train was coming and it was
**[00:24:53]** already there. And I began to think about this business of being powerless. In and of myself I
**[00:25:03]** am nothing. And I know that. I don't have what it takes to finish anything. I'm a sprinter not
**[00:25:11]** a long distance runner. And I know that. I have always known that. And there was a little piece
**[00:25:18]** of the puzzle. And then Bruce, God bless him. I talk a lot about Bruce because he he was my guide.
**[00:25:28]** He's three weeks over now and I'm sponsoring him because he didn't believe what he told me.
**[00:25:34]** But that doesn't matter. I did. That's all it counts. The Bruce and I talked one one day after
**[00:25:43]** the second step class about this business. I was really afraid because we're talking about sanity
**[00:25:53]** and insanity. And at that time I was classified by the state prison board as associate path type
**[00:25:59]** two and a psychopath. And one of the reasons I was in the penitentiary instead of the hospital
**[00:26:04]** is because of that classification. You can't treat either one of those.
**[00:26:09]** So they don't try. They don't bother. You have to have a conscience to treat one. Psychopath
**[00:26:17]** supposedly doesn't know the difference between right and erotic doesn't know the difference
**[00:26:20]** in your psychotic between right and wrong. I knew the difference between right and wrong. I just
**[00:26:26]** didn't give a damn. And you can't treat that. And I had visions of having to spend the rest
**[00:26:33]** of my life on a psychiatrist's cost trying to unravel the madness that I had just spent 34 years
**[00:26:41]** trying to do and fail. And you all said, no, no. That is what we do here. Bruce told me the most
**[00:26:51]** important word in the second step for me was the word restore. He says, Don, you haven't always
**[00:26:59]** been a raving maniac. There was a time you were saying and God in his mercy will restore you to
**[00:27:05]** that point. And you get to start over. And that was confirmed by my bullshit sifter.
**[00:27:19]** They used the word reborn. That means start over. He also gently said, we're not going to worry
**[00:27:26]** about when you went crazy. We will assume that happened about three seconds after you were born.
**[00:27:34]** Then we won't worry about tracking that down. And he said, you're not a psychopath. And you're
**[00:27:45]** not a sociopath. Although I can present the symptoms of either one of those with the drop of a drink.
**[00:27:52]** You get my back against the wall and see if I don't look like a psychopath. Get in my way and I'll
**[00:28:01]** kill you. At least that's what my eyes say. I didn't, I never did want to do that. They said
**[00:28:10]** they're not wrong with you except you suffer from alcoholic insanity, which in this book is
**[00:28:15]** defines the simply even my sick mind can deal with it. You know, a story about a young fellow
**[00:28:20]** car salesman who was now working for the company that he used to own stopped into a bar for lunch
**[00:28:26]** one day. I figured well, hell, I've eaten and I've been in a little while. I can safely have a
**[00:28:33]** drink if I put it in my milk and did and promptly ended up back in another sanitarium somewhere.
**[00:28:41]** And it says whatever the precise definition, the word we call that insanity.
**[00:28:45]** Lack of proportion and the ability to think straight. God, that's me. If one works, take 10.
**[00:28:57]** I either had two or three jobs or none. I didn't drive a car. I drove a 49 mercury convertible
**[00:29:15]** maroon with leopard skin sheet covers. I walked and people had been telling me for years that I
**[00:29:27]** couldn't think straight. You see, I'm rubber minded. The piece that's mission in my head
**[00:29:34]** means that when the truth goes in, it gets bent by the gap. By the time it comes out, it's not the truth.
**[00:29:42]** Bruce told me even the truth wouldn't work for me. And because it wouldn't, that he suggested,
**[00:29:50]** since my best thinking put me into penitentiary, that I better forget everything I think I know
**[00:29:56]** about anything, particularly about God. Because I had been on a spiritual search since I was born.
**[00:30:04]** Somehow I've known, deep within me, that my answer would be spiritual.
**[00:30:09]** But I'm a thief at heart. I've been trying to steal that for years. I was one of those early on that
**[00:30:18]** thought Timothy Leary had a genuine answer. And I had me some spiritual awakening, I can promise
**[00:30:28]** and I've been in and out of the river. And I've, well, we didn't get it all the way.
**[00:30:37]** I've had some spiritual awakenings, no substance to them, but I've tried. If you're new here
**[00:30:50]** and you're concerned as you probably are as to whether or not you can work these steps correctly,
**[00:30:56]** let me set your mind at ease. You can't. It takes rigorous honesty and I've never met a new drunk
**[00:31:08]** that has even a little bit of that. I didn't. I did this whole thing for the wrong reason from the
**[00:31:17]** get-go and the joy of it is it worked anyway. I came here genuinely frightened because I didn't
**[00:31:29]** know the difference between right and wrong. I didn't know I was incapable of differentiating
**[00:31:35]** the truth from the false, which gave me another thing to identify with. It said neither did you.
**[00:31:42]** And it talked about this honesty and I went to my sponsor and said I'm scared. I may be
**[00:31:49]** constitutionally incapable of being honest. And Phil says, well, I think you'll be all right. That's
**[00:31:55]** probably the first honest statement you've ever made. To take my third step to give my life and
**[00:32:15]** go to the care of God. But I had one last real hang-up, you know, dead at the core and still
**[00:32:24]** when it came to that final surrender, I had a hanger. You gave me the good news that my life
**[00:32:30]** would not be worthless, that God had something important for me to do. That was not good news.
**[00:32:39]** I knew that what he wanted me to do, if I gave my life to him, would go to the corner of Colfax
**[00:32:45]** and Broadway and hand out watchtower magazines and ask perfect strangers have you been saved,
**[00:32:51]** brother. And I didn't want to do that. But I didn't want to live as I'd been living either.
**[00:33:06]** And came to a place where if that's what God has in mind for me, that's exactly what I'll do.
**[00:33:15]** And then I went to take my life to God and I said my prayer and I'm an alcoholic. I can handle
**[00:33:24]** anything that comes along as long as it goes boom shakes to it. I said that prayer and
**[00:33:35]** absolutely nothing happened. Nothing scary. And I had been there long enough to know
**[00:33:49]** that if your sponsor tells you you go do something and you go do it and you don't get the results
**[00:33:53]** you think you ought to be giving, go bet you Adam. And I did. You know what his response to me was
**[00:34:03]** that I should be grateful that I didn't have a flash of light but they nearly killed me all my
**[00:34:09]** life. And then he did what the people of Alcoholics Anonymous do better than anybody else on this
**[00:34:19]** planet. Each one of us in this room has got a certain allotted amount of time and maybe that's
**[00:34:27]** it for this trip. And he took some of his precious time and gave it to me so that I could feel
**[00:34:41]** okay. He shared with me his spiritual experience. This is the man that had killed some people and
**[00:34:48]** I could listen to him because I could look in his eyes and know this man is not capable of killing
**[00:34:54]** anybody and he told me that's right. I have been changed and I want you all to know particularly
**[00:35:02]** you new folks. I did not stay with Alcoholics Anonymous to learn how to cope with life.
**[00:35:07]** My copor broke years ago and the spare parts are out of out of style now. I came here to be changed
**[00:35:16]** and the promise of this program in this book and in my life experience is that we get to have an
**[00:35:24]** entire psychic change if that's what we wanted more new people and he had been changed and he talked
**[00:35:34]** to me about the God he had found that was gentle. He says, Don God knows you probably can't
**[00:35:40]** have one more big shock anyway. Not in the shape you're in. That God would reveal himself to me
**[00:35:51]** as I revealed myself to me and he sent me off to do an inventory and two and a half hours later
**[00:35:59]** when I was finished with it. I came back to him to do that first step and he left me right in the
**[00:36:12]** eye and he said that's garbage. You wrote that to impress me. Get away from me. Now I was baffled
**[00:36:20]** again. Here's the guy who's just giving me all the love that there is and two and a half hours later
**[00:36:25]** he's treating me me. I had risked being honest to be part of you and he told me it was garbage
**[00:36:34]** and so I ran off and found a fellow who would listen to my first step and he spent the next
**[00:36:43]** couple hours justifying my behavior to me telling me it went all the way because all I'd done was
**[00:36:47]** put down some of the bizarre things I had done and I had a genuine spiritual awakening as that took
**[00:36:55]** place because I became aware that once again I had picked somebody who would tell me what I wanted
**[00:37:02]** to hear so I could keep doing what I wanted to do and if I didn't stop doing that I was a dead
**[00:37:08]** cookie. Please understand that my definition of spiritual awakening is very simple. Anytime
**[00:37:17]** any alcoholic has any glimmering of truth that's a spiritual awakening and with that is the beginning.
**[00:37:29]** I went back and searched myself to find out do I want this more than life itself and this was
**[00:37:39]** the simple promises that I was given early done if you will do this you can find a way to live
**[00:37:47]** that makes sense to you. That's a rather novel concept don't you think. I spent my whole life
**[00:37:53]** trying to make it make sense to you. I've never considered that my life had to make sense to me
**[00:38:00]** and I can tell you today with great joy that there are vast numbers of people that my life
**[00:38:05]** doesn't make any sense to at all but it does make sense to me. Did I want to stop feeling useless?
**[00:38:19]** Yeah if I'm crafting this damn thing I don't want to feel useless on top of that so I went back
**[00:38:32]** into this thing as perfectly as I knew how and I did what it said in this book if you're new here
**[00:38:42]** tonight let me caution you. If you don't want what we had then don't do these steps
**[00:38:51]** because if you do what this says we did you'll get what we got. In 1966 federal narcotics
**[00:39:14]** agents came to my house but they came through my house. They came through the front door and the
**[00:39:23]** back door and the side window knocked me to the floor and were being rude and my four-year-old
**[00:39:34]** son let out a shriek in this big cop put a gun to his head and almost shot him and I went past
**[00:39:41]** resentment at light speed and the hate and nursed that for a long time I nursed it all the way through
**[00:39:48]** the federal penitentiary and out you know how we alcoholics are got I had a marvelous scheme I
**[00:39:54]** wasted six months of my thought life scheming how I was going to get that one I won't tell you
**[00:40:00]** how because there's some new people here and they may still have those ideas it was marvelous
**[00:40:08]** when it came time to do that inventory all this book said I had to do is put down a list of all
**[00:40:13]** the people that I was mad at and he was there and that said I was supposed to put down why there
**[00:40:23]** were 22 reasons I was mad at him that's pretty egotistical one little bust and I got 22 things
**[00:40:30]** I'm mad at and the set I was supposed to put down what that was affecting in my life will tell everything
**[00:40:41]** and it suggested that I take a new attitude toward this person and I really genuinely tried
**[00:40:47]** that he like myself was perhaps spiritually sick and I can agree with that sick people do that kind
**[00:40:52]** of work and we still hated him and then this magnificent thing got to me before I had the slightest
**[00:41:18]** idea we didn't get me and got me the next suggestion was that I set aside whatever wrongs you may have
**[00:41:24]** done and resolutely look for my mistakes and it burst upon me I've invited him to the house I
**[00:41:34]** gave him an engraved invitation I'd been smuggling marijuana out of Mexico and not paying the tax on
**[00:41:39]** and that made me his business that made me fair game for him and anybody like you and I began
**[00:41:52]** the path toward freedom my troubles truly are of my own making I cannot ever again say to anybody
**[00:42:05]** you did that to me I got me here I did it and I am convinced that before I could look at that I needed
**[00:42:15]** some grace and a sense that God was with me because the terrible guilt it would have come from
**[00:42:21]** knowing that I was responsible for almost killing my kid I'm gonna live with that but there's an
**[00:42:32]** interesting thing about this program there is no way man at the end of the third step prayer
**[00:42:39]** it comes at the end of the seventh step prayer which kind of indicates to me that from the time I
**[00:42:45]** make that first prayer until I'm through with all this the whole thing is one great big prayer
**[00:42:52]** and I'm in a state of grace and I believe that because that's how it happened for me I could look
**[00:42:58]** at that and say my God if that's how I'm behaving something else better around my life
**[00:43:04]** I went through a whole thing there I learned about fear I'd been living with fear all my life
**[00:43:12]** I was baffled about that too the guys I grew up with said you're not supposed to be afraid
**[00:43:18]** of anything and I was just plain afraid and I didn't know what I was afraid of
**[00:43:25]** so the suggestion was well let's make a list of things that you're afraid of we'll put some names
**[00:43:30]** on them and I've got bizarre yeah I'm afraid of being alone then I'm afraid of being with people
**[00:43:43]** I'm afraid to talk I'm afraid you won't ask me to I'm afraid to feel anything because it's always
**[00:43:56]** been inappropriate I cry at hockey games and laugh at funerals things come over me and I don't know
**[00:44:05]** what to do with them desperately afraid of this there's a loony lives in there
**[00:44:15]** a maniac scared to death of them because you can't think straight the main problem of the
**[00:44:25]** alcoholic centers in the mind I have a mind that's incapable at certain times of thinking
**[00:44:32]** straight enough to keep me out of trouble I have a set of emotions that we're on the way to do
**[00:44:41]** something we both want to do and you say to me we have to do this like hell we do I have the kind
**[00:44:53]** of a mind the kind of fear I'm talking about is the time that comes over me at 8 10 in the morning
**[00:45:00]** when the alarm was set for 8 so I could get to work at 8 30 and I start thinking oh god
**[00:45:11]** I get up at 8 so I can miss the traffic and I'm gonna be caught in traffic by the time I get there
**[00:45:15]** I'm gonna be 20 minutes late and my supervisor is going to say put where the hell have you been
**[00:45:20]** in such a tone that I will have to say if none of your business he will say it is my business I
**[00:45:35]** say you're sorry and I will say no you don't I quit and knowing that's what's going to happen I
**[00:45:45]** don't even get out of bed I go get done kind of fear that paralyzes me because I don't even
**[00:46:10]** know what I'm afraid of how can I deal with it it paralyzes me and the only relief I ever got
**[00:46:16]** was putting that booze or something else on it and then of course the day came when it didn't
**[00:46:20]** work it got me involved in the fear I learned about God's grace and mercy at this point do you know
**[00:46:32]** our porn erotic brothers and sisters have to learn how to deal with fear God bless them they
**[00:46:38]** have to go through some horrible things and learn all kinds of techniques when they come up on fear
**[00:46:46]** all we have to do is to ask God to remove that fear and to direct our thinking and our attention
**[00:46:54]** to what he wants us to be and it goes away I'd make that up first time I thought it was in the
**[00:47:02]** bullshit sifter and I tried it and it worked I tried it and it worked I no longer have any
**[00:47:12]** nameless fears every now and then I get scared I can tell you just exactly what I'm scared of
**[00:47:18]** and I immediately say whoops take this away and direct my thinking to what you want me to be
**[00:47:24]** and then I get on about my business as if he were going to do that and he does I was about two and a half
**[00:47:30]** years before I could do the sex inventory I in addition to the booze did an awful lot of speed
**[00:47:38]** in wire mine inhalers and LSD and it was a very confusing thing and when I got it done it fit on
**[00:47:45]** the back of that you are up here and I learned some more about mercy during that I generally
**[00:48:00]** couldn't face any of that and I just asked that it be dealt with and over that period of time I
**[00:48:06]** was healed of whatever was wrong there then I was able to do the work the way the book says
**[00:48:12]** and clear up those few indiscretions not a nice word this sounds like it was a big deal but that
**[00:48:24]** first inventory was a shabby little effort God for you new folks don't worry about it
**[00:48:31]** you see there wasn't a whole lot left here my memory didn't work too well man I came upon something
**[00:48:40]** that I'd finally done and I went off to take that fist up what a day that was I picked the fella who
**[00:48:48]** had the same amount of sobriety I had because you had told me to find someone to share this with
**[00:48:53]** it wouldn't be overly effective and Jim was as crazy as I was nothing I could say
**[00:48:58]** Jim was in that pantantry for a crime that he will never remember he was the first one in
**[00:49:11]** Colorado to be convicted of vehicular homicide he killed somebody in a blackout when he was drunk
**[00:49:19]** and I've always filled a deep sadness for Jim because he'll never know what he did all he knows
**[00:49:24]** is what the price was and I came to love him dearly he's out there one afternoon as people
**[00:49:32]** were about to do and he listened to me as I shared with him the failures of my life
**[00:49:42]** fears and the wretchedness and all of the stuff that I didn't want to be anymore
**[00:49:47]** so the joy of it is once we do that we don't have to be that anymore he goes away and somewhere in
**[00:49:55]** that afternoon a thing happened to me that I didn't understand at the time I just felt
**[00:50:02]** I stopped being alone I found you know why I was so alone my god on this planet there was me
**[00:50:11]** and whoever I needed you to be and that's who lived on this planet and that's the only thing
**[00:50:18]** that afternoon there became me and a fellow named Jim there were two people on the planet now
**[00:50:24]** and I've been a long since I would like to share with you if I can do without bond you can
**[00:50:33]** imagine how close Jim and I became and I got out before he did and one of the jobs I got when I
**[00:50:40]** got out was driving an old delivery truck and the only thing wrong with that job was that every
**[00:50:45]** afternoon after everybody else got to go home I had to take the packages that were going out on
**[00:50:50]** the bus up to the bus station and wait in line and I never knew when I'd get off work and that
**[00:50:54]** kind of rankled me a little bit but one afternoon when I was sitting in that line
**[00:51:00]** through the door walks a prison guard with Jim they're sending him back to Florida where he lived
**[00:51:07]** and for a brief moment with incredible odds against it he and I got a couple minutes together
**[00:51:17]** I know he's okay and he knows I'm okay which was very important that we know and that's mercy
**[00:51:24]** well I finished with that fifth step and I went back to myself and did what it said to do next
**[00:51:31]** which was to review that and see if I'd done a third job and I had another one of special things
**[00:51:37]** happened to me I was no longer a sprinter for the first time that I could remember I'd finished
**[00:51:45]** something to the very best of my ability that never happened before and once it came a certain
**[00:51:52]** insurance knowledge that that was a shabby effort and I had a lot of work to do but for the time
**[00:51:58]** being that was it I was done and I asked God to go ahead and run my life whatever he has in mind
**[00:52:09]** for me is better than anything I have in mind for me and that please don't let the things I
**[00:52:14]** haven't found yet kill me before I get to him found some yesterday afternoon I'm still here
**[00:52:22]** so he's still working apparently it was at this point that I began to be filled with evangelical
**[00:52:30]** fury it's no way I can describe it I got free locked up for the night from the Colorado State
**[00:52:42]** Penitentiary and I've been free ever since my sponsor had sent me off to start working on the
**[00:52:50]** eighth and ninth step now his thought was this first of all the list started out with all the
**[00:53:01]** people that had hurt me and then I was to add anybody else I can thank you I wasn't on any of
**[00:53:08]** these other lists because he said you know if you met him you heard him somehow
**[00:53:15]** just take care of that but the key to this was this I knew what I had done to these people by now
**[00:53:22]** but he said you don't know what that did to them so what I want you to do is make that list out
**[00:53:30]** and then close your eyes at each name and picture that person in front of you
**[00:53:34]** and see if you can feel a willingness within you as you look them right in the eye to say to them
**[00:53:42]** I have caused you harm will you please tell me what I have to do to get the books to bounce
**[00:53:51]** very risky and I got free there's no great let wait taken from me but that night I was lifted
**[00:54:02]** as I realized that there is no one on this planet that I'm afraid to look in the eye and say
**[00:54:07]** five hundred you tell me what I have to do and we'll get straight
**[00:54:13]** one of my big problems that I was always either better than you were or worse than you were
**[00:54:17]** we never had a chance never had a chance well they wouldn't let me off to see you and I wouldn't
**[00:54:23]** let you in to see me and that's a good thing because man I was filled with the fury
**[00:54:31]** how to screw it up Bruce was never gonna get out of there and he had gotten through this
**[00:54:37]** so I asked him about that and he says well some of them we can write letters to them clear up
**[00:54:42]** and the rest of them with God's grace you're just gonna have to live with until you can get
**[00:54:46]** to see them that the key was in the willingness to do so not in the doing and so I made a list of
**[00:54:54]** people to write to and a list of people to go see and had him check it he said no no no no
**[00:55:02]** I think this person that you want to write a letter to you better wait and go see them
**[00:55:06]** and this guy you're so anxious to go see you can probably handle that with a letter
**[00:55:12]** disappointing to see my judgment so
**[00:55:19]** it is at the eighth and ninth stuff that I wish I had three hours to share with you
**[00:55:24]** because it was at this point that I have experienced
**[00:55:28]** what it means to be alive and to be a service to God most of those amends are simple but there's
**[00:55:35]** three of them that I talked about that weren't simple
**[00:55:41]** how do you make amends to mom that worries me just going to mom and saying I'm sorry mom I
**[00:55:48]** didn't mean to do that he's not gonna get it and it was a while after I got out before my
**[00:55:55]** mother would see me and the day came she would see me and I found a way not in those exact words
**[00:56:01]** to say what do I have to do the secret to using that method to make amends is that as soon as you
**[00:56:06]** say what do I have to do you shut up listen well they tell you she said honey all I've ever
**[00:56:15]** wanted was for you to be happy so on a regular basis to this day I go bomb my mother's house
**[00:56:21]** happier now or she believed this would not take but you know I had no reason to ever believe that
**[00:56:42]** she would ever ever be able to count on me again so that didn't matter I wasn't doing it
**[00:56:46]** for that reason we have a good time today my my mother graduated from college when she was 63
**[00:56:52]** and she's a pistol she's a go-getter I quit trying to steal from my father quit trying to steal his
**[00:57:03]** ideas and his personality and his money and his time I robbed him a lot of time my dad and I just
**[00:57:11]** have fun today my father is an unmeasured genius lives in a 48 room house full of stuff and that's
**[00:57:20]** what his mind is made up of and I'm loving and his statement to me last week this is the man who
**[00:57:31]** said I could not come again was Don you welcome as the flowers and may I'm back to kids I damaged
**[00:57:41]** my kids I drove my kids in and out of crash pads and in and out of jails and in and out of foster
**[00:57:46]** homes I damaged my children and there is no way to fix that a dear a friend of mine reminded me
**[00:57:53]** there's nothing I can ever do to change what I did to them all I can do is give them an arena
**[00:57:59]** or a place where they can get well to and give them the very best of what I am today
**[00:58:07]** we almost had to lock my older son up for some very serious problems and the day came when I
**[00:58:15]** could no longer help him and I had to tell him there's nothing more I can do we try to eat
**[00:58:20]** EKGs and EEGs and all that because he was getting bizarre and he was hurting people and I said
**[00:58:30]** Terry you're going to have to find your answer the same place I found mine inside and I asked him
**[00:58:35]** do you still believe in God and he said no dad I don't think so but because you do I will keep
**[00:58:41]** praying it's what you did hey that's what you gave me that I could take home to my kid because
**[00:58:52]** I couldn't help him a week later he came out of his dungeon and said let's check my eyes and
**[00:58:58]** that's what it was he had a weird eye condition that made it impossible for he saw the world in
**[00:59:04]** a distorted way hell I know about that we undistorted him and he joined the Air Force and went to Alaska
**[00:59:13]** and had two babies he's coming home in September to go to work with me and he hated me
**[00:59:22]** you gave me by giving me contact with God in the wisdom to know that I had powerless
**[00:59:28]** the strength to put my son out in the snow when it was 20 below and it may sound a little bizarre
**[00:59:33]** but if you're alcoholic you understand that I think he's one of us if he isn't he'll do till
**[00:59:40]** one shows up but he was destroying our home and as much as I loved him I discovered one day
**[00:59:52]** that for a year and a half I'd been saving him when I was killing him and that if I kept trying
**[00:59:57]** to fix that kid he was guaranteed to die by my efforts and I did the hardest thing I've ever
**[01:00:05]** had to do I said you have to go now not tomorrow now you have to go and he hated me and he went
**[01:00:17]** out in the snow when he slept in the snow that winter underneath some stairs that he
**[01:00:22]** condominium and God gave me the grace and the strength not to go see where he was sleeping
**[01:00:29]** you see with me he had one chance in the thousand of living
**[01:00:33]** with God he had unlimited odds and he's one of God's babies too now he's all right today
**[01:00:38]** he works with me he's running my business right now I hope but someday this tall
**[01:00:48]** blonde good looking kid who hadn't got very much smarts can walk through that door
**[01:00:54]** he'd just be kind to him and gave him the same message he gave me
**[01:00:59]** because he's no longer in my hands I have two little step-notters today God bless both of them
**[01:01:11]** they drive me crazy I love them dearly and I don't understand them at all but we communicate
**[01:01:25]** pretty good in my house because of you not well I was I can still remember the day was
**[01:01:32]** a honey six months ago they were yelling and screaming because that's what they do best
**[01:01:38]** and sometimes I knew that day I couldn't live with and I sent them to their rooms
**[01:01:42]** and I was in good spiritual condition well I'm slammed the door so I went out and took both
**[01:01:50]** doors off of hinges and took them to the basement I faced with the facts that I had to go down
**[01:02:07]** to the basement and carry them damn doors back up I said one again a short while back
**[01:02:24]** I met a sane lady and was given whatever it takes to say yes I'll live with you
**[01:02:34]** and we're engaged upon the greatest adventure I've ever been part of I found out with her early
**[01:02:41]** but that wasn't enough this time it took more than that you see they came when I chose to die rather
**[01:02:49]** than live one more day as I was and somehow in this process I reached a place where I was willing
**[01:02:55]** to grow old and I found that I'm willing to grow old with her and man is that something
**[01:03:06]** we never try to fix each other she works pretty good anyhow and she puts up with things from me that
**[01:03:15]** I wouldn't put up with from me and it's a joy just a joy there came a time when I I've worked
**[01:03:31]** steps so it was on a spiritual path my life made sense I had a job and a place to live
**[01:03:36]** was active in AA and it was a gap something was missing and I didn't have any idea what it was
**[01:03:46]** I 12 set because I'm left the word obligation isn't right I don't have any choice I'm left with
**[01:03:52]** a sense of gratitude that will strangle me if I don't do something with it and so I go give it away
**[01:03:59]** as fast as I can and it was still something missing and you taught me early on when you find somebody
**[01:04:06]** who has had something that you want you hook on to them and you latch on you don't let go
**[01:04:11]** until you find out what that is and how they got that and I met a fellow named Gary Brown who by the
**[01:04:18]** way is talking about her serenity I guess on the 4th of July don't miss him he's marvelous very unlikely
**[01:04:26]** fellow tall good-looking college educated you want to sell clothes you put them on Gary Brown
**[01:04:33]** let him walk around and people buy them and he had something I wanted and he was headed for
**[01:04:40]** an area assembly over Montrose with his wife and daughter and I said I'm going with you he didn't
**[01:04:48]** have any choice he really didn't he hadn't planned on me but I wonder what he had he said he had
**[01:04:55]** GSR now I didn't know whether that was a condition or property that's what he had and so I went
**[01:05:05]** and I said I thought at that time everybody in AA had been sober forever and were saints
**[01:05:12]** and I sat in my first AA business meeting God was that something I went back to Bethel real quick
**[01:05:29]** they were fighting like they met business over things that had no sense but that night
**[01:05:35]** at the restaurant these same people were sitting at a long table and I walked in and stood for a
**[01:05:44]** minute and I heard laughter laughter the kind of laughter I'd never heard before these people
**[01:05:53]** who that afternoon were ready to kill each other over meaningless stuff were laughing just because
**[01:05:59]** it was fun to laugh and because they were together and the jokes stuck and they laughed anyway and I
**[01:06:06]** can remember the urgency of the feeling wondering will I ever be part of that and one of the trusted
**[01:06:13]** servants got up from the table and came to me and invited me to sit with them and it was that
**[01:06:19]** easy I caught GSR on the spot and the gap the thing that was missing has been filled I owe this
**[01:06:32]** fellowship more than my life I have an obligation to the alcoholic that walks in that door 50 years
**[01:06:41]** from now when I'm dead and gone and the obligation is very simple but that person gets the exact
**[01:06:49]** same message that I got that made my life make sense and I'm responsible for that
**[01:06:58]** I'm responsible to make sure that I don't find anything fancy to fix this thing up with
**[01:07:04]** got to take a couple more minutes to give you what's excited me the last two years
**[01:07:12]** this thing is incredible it was put together by drunks you heard David talked about the struggle
**[01:07:19]** but once they got it right it was put into the hands of the rest of us
**[01:07:25]** now you put that anything that's written down in the hands of several million alcoholics
**[01:07:30]** and every one of them has got to say something like that would be just a little bit better
**[01:07:35]** if only and you know we haven't been able to change the word of it there must be some power
**[01:07:46]** there I'm thrilled to think of this thing here these two guys these two drunks who couldn't even
**[01:07:54]** get themselves walked up in the right place start doing something and they count noses on a
**[01:08:00]** regular basis and one night they're sitting in the kitchen and it turns out there's about 40
**[01:08:05]** that news was so momentous that they decided we better write a book about that
**[01:08:10]** 400 million people on the planet 40 of them are doing something that works and we're going to write
**[01:08:14]** a book about them and we inherited that book and everybody that uses simple way it's meant to use
**[01:08:27]** get something done we belong to the first generation and recorded history where alcoholics do not
**[01:08:34]** have to die on alcoholic death that gives me the chills my research has taken me back as far as Noah
**[01:08:44]** oh that was a beauty God gave him kind of an important job to do and he argued about how
**[01:08:51]** much snake bite medicine he got to take and the first thing he did when he hit dry land was plant
**[01:08:56]** grapes as soon as they were riphe stomped them into wine got rowing drunken through his whole
**[01:09:06]** family out of their home that is not social drinking from that day to this except for brief
**[01:09:26]** individual recoveries or brief movements alcoholics have died horrible deaths and their families
**[01:09:33]** have lived in horrible circumstances and I get to belong to the place where God sent the message
**[01:09:45]** that if you're alcoholic you do not ever have to drink again where we were given away by which
**[01:09:51]** we could put our own lives back together and our families could get well and the dreams that
**[01:09:57]** were dead could come up again I owe something to that I belong to you I will do anything that you
**[01:10:06]** asked me to do because I know that everything you asked me to do is going to be vastly beyond my
**[01:10:12]** ability to do it and the minute I know I can't do it I call on my partner and I say all right you
**[01:10:20]** got me into this now you come with me and we'll go try it and I can't begin to describe the
**[01:10:26]** adventure I've had I just had the privilege of serving two years as Colorado's area delegate
**[01:10:31]** and I didn't want to do that I'm not delegate material and I was afraid I'd screw this thing up
**[01:10:39]** I went to Mike Rainbow said Mike I'm afraid I'll screw this thing up
**[01:10:44]** they said kid they're nothing you could do in two years to screw this thing up anyway just go
**[01:10:48]** have some fun
**[01:10:50]** and I did but the richness of this year can be summed up in my 10 year old daughter
**[01:11:00]** in making amends I've learned to listen to my children I used to live 120 miles away from
**[01:11:06]** Denver and once a week I had to go into town and I got thinking about what this was doing to my
**[01:11:11]** boys did it bother them and you know I lived the kind of life when I left there was no guarantee I was
**[01:11:16]** coming back or that if I did come back that there wouldn't be a whole bunch of freaks right behind me
**[01:11:21]** and I asked my boys that one day they were bothered and they said no we don't mind if you go
**[01:11:25]** but please tell us when you're coming back you see my children don't need any more surprises
**[01:11:32]** my young stepdaughters live in a city and their real fathers are Denver detective
**[01:11:38]** and I hear things and they're not safe when I'm gone they don't feel good my 10 year old when I go out
**[01:11:47]** at night says where are you going dad and I can hear it in her voice
**[01:11:53]** and if I say I'm going to an a meeting she just relaxes and walks away because I belong to AA
**[01:12:06]** my children know I'll be home tonight that's good enough reason for me to stay here until I'm
**[01:12:14]** old and gray there's times I get in their way and yell at them but they won't be around I'm
**[01:12:24]** going to close with a gift for you I can tell you that I love you and there's no way to ever convey
**[01:12:30]** that with the depth that I feel it but I can tell you how I see you I spent my whole life trying
**[01:12:44]** to find out who I was and I became like old legions I was everybody I'd ever met read about heard
**[01:12:51]** about scene oh god it was noisy and I tried to sort all that out and couldn't and I came to you
**[01:12:59]** and you told me that what we're going to do was like what had happened when the fellow
**[01:13:04]** first saw the statue of Michelangelo's David I don't know if you've seen it or not but it
**[01:13:10]** breathes and he was so awestruck that he went to Michelangelo and said how'd you do that
**[01:13:21]** said well I took this block of stone and I chipped away everything that didn't look like David
**[01:13:26]** that's what I got that's alcoholics anonymous for me with God is the sculptor
**[01:13:36]** and you and these steps and what we do here is the chisel and me is a very willing block of stone
**[01:13:45]** one day at a time we're chipping away everything that doesn't look like dawn and so far this is
**[01:13:50]** what we've got thank you