My name is Don, I'm an alcoholic. I'm already uncomfortable because I don't like the setup of the room. That's the way it is. If you don't either, because this isn't a lecture, give some thought as to how we might rearrange this. We can't possibly get a circle, which is the ideal because it's the only real thing there is is full circle.

But perhaps there are some things we can do at the break or something that will rearrange it so we can get closer to each other. More people can see other people's eyes. If we can do that, we'll do it and if we can't, well, we just can't. I don't like this at all. I promise you this will be gone pretty soon. I don't know what we'll do with the microphones. Just take me to our shoulders or something. There, that's all we're ditching. I'm going to do for the week. No, it's not.

No, but from here on, it's going to be subtle, Jerry. Did you hear it, Tom? Yeah. I am an alcoholic. I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous that had been continuously sober since December 26th of 1967 because there is a God. No other reason. My home group is a little group known as NA Group. That's how we're registered.

In naming the group we saw in the long form of the third tradition that said that any two or more alcoholics gathered for sobriety may call themselves an A group. So that's what we call ourselves. We're not smart, but we're cute. Our central office was not going to allow us to register under that name. They said, you can't do that. And then we reminded them who works for who and we're registered that way. One of the things we'll probably cover this weekend is who is here.

Who is responsible for this deal? Because it's you and me. We're totally responsible for everything

that happens in Alcoholics Anonymous because we are Alcoholics Anonymous. So anything that happens

if I wasn't there and I don't like it, I don't get the same thing about it until I step forward

and get wherever it happened next time. But we'll go off into that. We'll let these guys

introduce themselves and then we'll get on about the business at hand. We don't know

why he's here, but he's here. I don't know why I'm here. I heard it was something about

damage control. Am I next to you? I'm an Al Anon from Alabama. My name is Beau Templins.

And I live down in a little town in Alabama called West Blochton. And the best way I can

describe that two years is right across the highway from East Blochton. And that's just

the way that is. It's out in the middle of the woods. And I walked in the doors of Al Anon

September the 4th, 1982 and have been an active member of Al Anon since that time. One of the

greatest things that happened to me early in my journey is that I was introduced to an

open AA Big Book study where they actually allowed Al Anons to come in and sit in and

be a part of the Big Book study. And it wasn't a big book reading, it was a big book study.

As a matter of fact, one of the first arguments my wife and I had, because she was over there

in the AA room, she's been sober for 21 and a half years. And one of the things the old

guy would do that was tearing that Big Book study is every Monday night when it was over

he'd throw out a question. And you had to come back to the next Monday night and not just

giving the answer to the question, but tell them what page and where it was in the book.

And we'd get home and we had one Big Book. And that happened to be Shirley's and she

let me know that. And so in a very short period of time I had my own Big Book and been eternally

grateful for that. I have, for the first 20 years of my journey I had old time sponsors.

When I'm since died and the other one is very, very ill, my old time sponsors, I mean

they raised me in the textbook, Alcoholics Anonymous. And I believe in that book and I

believe in the AA program. So I don't know why I'm here either. But I sure am proud to

be here this week and to be associated with this elite pair that we have over here. So

with that I'll pass it right back. Thank you, Tom. Years ago I used to go to a thing called

Happy Hour where you got two for the price of one. This reminds me a bit of that. And

I know anytime that I had two in front of me I was I was elated. And so I'm quite happy

sitting up here. My name is Jerry and I am an alcoholic. Hi Jerry. Just get a real little

housekeeping out of the way. I am a member of an Alcoholics Anonymous group called the

week that was and we meet at 730 on Friday night in Manhattan, Kansas. Now I love to say

Manhattan and just stop there. Because people then they look at me with the new respect

thinking and I am from Manhattan. And back home they know that I mean Manhattan, Kansas.

In any event if you're ever in Manhattan, Kansas on Friday night and you find yourself with

little or nothing to do around 730 in the evening come on by and we'll entertain you and I guarantee

if you're in Manhattan on Friday night you'll have little or nothing to do. I have because

of God's infinite grace and I want to say as much as I can this weekend with a great sense

of humor because the fact that I'm even here at all is extremely humorous. I mean as my

story unfolds you'll see why I can say that. But my God's infinite grace mixed with a great

amount of humor that my God had. I have been continuously sober since January 17th, 1977.

And what I want to do this weekend with what little time I have is share with you what it's

like living with the Spirit. And yet in such a practical way because see when I'm living

with the Spirit I'm a good father. I'm not a real serious father but I'm a good father.

And I'm a dependable father. And when I'm living with the Spirit my wife knows who's

going to make sure that there's air in the tires and that the oil is changed in the car

and that I might take out the trash when I'm living with the Spirit. Those are practical

things. It also means that I will carry in wood for a wood stove that we have without

saying, hey honey I carried some wood in. In late 1976 the best folks could figure out

to do with me was to put me into a mental institution for the rest of my life. I was 35 years old

and they truly didn't know what else to do with me. And I'm still amazed that people

will allow me to come and see them. I mean New York, let's face it, for a kid who was

born and raised in Kansas, New York is fairly sophisticated. And so to get on a real airplane

at a real airport somebody has paid real money to let a guy that should be in a nut

house come out and talk to them is still an amazing treat. It really is. And a part

of that treat is that I get to see folks here that I have known now for many years. Some

of my new up in Rhode Island. Some I know from down in Virginia. Some I know from over

here in Queens. Some I've met up in Westchester County. We got some friends from Harlem that

I don't see here this particular weekend but the weekends young and maybe they'll show

up. And each time I get to see those folks, I'm touched. I really am in a very, very

special way. And when you all touch me that way, I realized that all my life, this is what

I was looking for. So I mean, we can talk about the big book and we can do this and we can

say on page 39, it says thus and so and I can pretend to be an expert. And the truth

of the matter is you all touch me in a way. And I am a part of a family because I do

some things on a precise spiritual path that makes it possible for me to spend time with

you and for you to understand me and for me to understand you because we do some of the

same spiritual exercises. And I tell you what, I still am sad and once in a while when I see

people that can't be touched the way one I call it, can touch another. Because it just

ways we reach one another. And it's just absolutely marvelous. I gave this old man

sitting here on my on my left, I gave him a hat many years ago and he's still wearing

the damn thing. He looks good in it. And then many years later, he gave me a watch and I

thought I was real touched when he gave me the watch. I thought he gave me the watch

because he loved me because that's why I gave him the hat. And he gave me this watch and

then it dawned me one day after I just had it for a little bit that he he wanted me to

use it when I was talking so I had no one to shut up. But that is the way we do with one

another. I got I got the other day. I here several months ago, I was at somebody's place

for a weekend and I slept in a bed and I got I always loved when I get stand there home

and I slept in a bed and the pillows that I slept on were just absolutely marvelous.

I just and I just couldn't get over the fact that I thought I thought maybe they'd

sent off to Sweden and had these pillows flown in or something. I wasn't sure but they were

nice and so I told my friend I said you know Darlan these these pillows that do you let

us sleep on or just the most comfortable thing and the other day I got a big box in the mail.

I mean huge boxing didn't weigh much and I was trying to figure out what in the world

have I ordered that would come in our box that size and doesn't weigh anything and and

I opened it up and of course there's a set of these darn pillows and I have slept beautifully

for the last four nights as a result of these new pillows. Now you say wait a minute that

ain't no big deal but I tell you what it is a big deal isn't it. Those are the kind

of things that make this a big deal or a nifty deal whatever you want to call. And

so as this weekend unfolds I will share with you to the best of my ability how did I get

here and I'm going to tell you some stories and most of all I'm going to try to share

with you that the greatest of all things and that is if if you want what we have if you

want it now you may not want it you may not want what we have but if you do if you do

there's a few little things that you can do that we do and you will have an experience

and that experience will be that you will be in touch with the spirit and you'll find

it absolutely unnecessary to take a drink. I used to hear the old timers say that and

I got so tired of them saying they have found it unnecessary to take a drink since

but buss and so and I thought Jesus Christ can't you find something better to say than

found it unnecessary to take a drink and after almost 28 years I have discovered there's

a real good reason for saying that I have found it unnecessary to take a drink because

that describes it so absolutely perfectly I have found it unnecessary to take a drink

and a big part of my life it was absolutely necessary to take a drink the practical benefits

of living with the spirit if we want to kind of set aside some of the esoteric parts of

this just the practical benefits part of the practical benefits is my kids call me and

they say dad you are so dependable or predictable they always call me predictable now I translate

that in my head just that you know I'm dependable they call me predictable but I see that is

dependable and I tell you what I spent a lot of years where I wasn't dependable and

it's a marvelous deal and that's a part of being in a in a in a condition where I find

it unnecessary to take a drink because I'm now today dependable I don't have a conscience

grinding away at me because I didn't get something done as we sit here tonight and we share some

time with one another I don't have anything that's undone right now I don't have anything

it's undone at all and so I can get to be comfortable with you all it didn't end a marvelous deal

just to be comfortable we went out to dinner and I had I was able to have my mind free and

clear and be with be with the people I was with because everything's done everything's

done and I just find that so amazing I see I spent most of my life where I I live in one

or two places and neither one of them was here it was last week last month two hours ago

something and I should have done wish I would have done differently could have done better

but I had some some great regret over something in the past or I had great fear of what was

going to occur two hours from now two days from now two weeks and now two months from now

so I was way out ahead of myself but what I wasn't was I wasn't here and I wasn't now

and years ago I was with a guy one night and he said aren't we okay here now and I'll ask you

that as we as we began this weekend I will tell you then I am okay right here I really

in I don't need to drink here I just I truly don't I'm okay here more importantly I'm okay now

and I have a hunch that you all are too I was the very first thing that I discovered I couldn't

have articulated this 27 plus years ago could not have articulated but what happens when I

am in the company of an A group or another old alcoholic if you will is that when I am in their

company I am okay I always have been I remember when I first started on this journey I would

go into a meeting of our colleagues anonymous and I would have just a few minutes after I got in there

I'd realize that I was my mind was beginning to quiet down my body was beginning to relax

and I'd be okay for a little while and when I left it would all the noise would start up again

and that's what carried me for a long time was I'd go back so I could experience what it was

what it was like just to be okay for just a little while here we are many many years later

and most of the time unless I'm out in traffic like you all have here

isn't that in that wild out there

oh boy we came back across a bridge over here and I looked back up the street

and and I cut for miles and miles I could see nothing but headlights one right up against another

when Gerard picked me up oh if you haven't ever ridden around town with Gerard I mean if you

you want to have an experience hook up with the guy up on the name of Gerard in here I saw him

come in just a few minutes ago so I know he's here just riding around with him for a little while

we hadn't been in we hadn't been in I hadn't been in in in this part of the country for about

10 minutes in one car hit another bam we came across that bridge and I looked at all those lights

and I thought holy moly but I'm not out there I'm in the air and and I I look out at this crowd

and I thank my god this is a pretty clean cut recently intelligent looking a bunch of folks

and why would they be here but I know why I'm just having some fun with you all I know why

but who would have ever thought can you remember those last four months when you're out there

anytime I get together for a weekend like this I my mind I believe it's a gift in the spirit I

always get to think back what it was like that last three four five months before I got here

what it was like who would have ever believed that we could go from there to here

from there to here and like I say I I didn't come in here seeking to connect with the spirit

that was given to me it was I didn't know what I was doing I really was just trying not to drink

I mean I had I had everybody on my case really it was a bad bad situation I was 35 years old

three kids a wife just about to be evicted from my home couldn't feed those kids and that's what it

was like for me back in November and December of 1976 this time of the year and still could not

quit drinking I think back on those days and think how can we go from there to here and if I say well

it's through God's grace and it is by the way but if you don't understand what God's grace is

don't worry about that I don't understand what God's grace is either I just know it is you say well

what's God like I don't have a clue folks I'd love to tell you I know what God's infinite power

has done for me I lived in horrible horrible fear most of my life today I don't have to live in fear

and I could go on and on and on and on and I because there's just so much that I have a sense

that I want to share with you and we will we'll we'll share what needs to be shared and what doesn't

need to be shared we'll run out of time okay works that way

besides that I want to hear this beautiful guy from Alabama just I and I want to hear you all

from time to time and of course Don knows how dare he is to me so I want to listen to him too

most of all I think I speak for all of us and they'll they'll tell you to we thank you

from the very bottom of our hearts that you would do anything like this and include us in it

I mean I I wish I wish there's some way that I had a better command of the vocabulary that

where I could certainly and clearly express the deep appreciation and gratitude that I have to

be here with you like this I mean it's just a marvelous deal and all the way I know how to do

that is to give you everything that I brought with me

hopefully the spirit will flow through us and and I can convey some things to you that

that at least what what they mean to me and if it creates a resonance for you that'll be terrific

and with that I think I will see if we're going to move toward a more structured thing here I don't

know how I don't know whether we will or not if I turn it over the press it won't be structured

I don't think but it'll be interesting Shelby's here yes he is

John knows Shelby gee Shelby I have to burn my hand she'll burn my hand we get to make fun of him

because he asked us to work with him and then he moved to New York it seems somehow the people

out of Denver who get involved in the big book end up missionaries in other far lands it's just

the way it is I did not I was remiss in not mentioning that my home group meets at six o'clock every

Friday morning at St. Joseph's Hospital in Denver we are formatted simple we don't have any ritual

at all we've gone back to the way it was in the beginning at six we get quiet and when the

spirit moves somebody says something we talk about a step of tradition and a concept back to back

it takes one meeting or one month we don't care we just move when we're through with one we move

to the other the first Friday after the first Tuesday or second anyway right after the district

meeting or an area assembly each month that belongs to our GSR and our central office rep that's

their meeting we are part of Alcoholics Anonymous and we want to know what's going on

so and if they take five minutes as fine if they take the whole meeting that's fine we really have

an interchange there because we're part of Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole they don't always like to

see us coming to the assemblies because we have something to say following that meeting we all go

to the cafeteria and have a real meeting or another meeting much as I hate to admit it to this day

it hasn't gone away that in any formal meeting that I attend I'm only partly listening the rest

of me is thinking what I'm going to say when it's my turn and I can't help it's just the way it is

but over breakfast we chatter we talk so if you got a new person you come to that meeting we won't

hurt them if it's in we'll just we'll work with them when we get to the cafeteria some remarkable

things have happened there and I'm with Jerry we're going to talk about this book and the things

that are in it but we're talking to the choir some of the stuff that gets left out is what I want

to talk about this weekend after you're already spiritually awake now what because it's way way

beyond going to another meeting that's important but it's not vital anymore it's important because

that's where our work is to be found and where our fellowship with other people begins to happen

but if you're still going to meetings to get talk to me during the break although there are times

when I go to a meeting to get but I don't go to meeting to get well I go to get what's at the meeting

anyway that's for tomorrow some time we've been 12 stepping an old street drunk in in the cafeteria

for about six months Joe comes down once in a while this guy several years ago while he was

drunk he had a car wreck and now he's almost a permanent resident of the hospital on an outpatient

basis we know he had a car wreck because for years now or for months now we've stopped by

and we chat with him he sits by himself and he pays for his table space he picks up a bunch of

free newspapers and brings him along and he hands him out to anybody that's willing to stop long

enough and that pays for his space and we chat with him he won't come sit with us yet he has come

over and stood at the end of the table and talked with us and sometimes it takes a while but we really

care about this guy and about all three or four months ago he had a grandma seizure right there

in the cafeteria and went over backwards and hit his head on the floor and of course with head wounds

and his blood went everywhere I've never seen such a response from the hospital staff everybody

from the EMTs to the hospital administrator within a minute or two was there dealing with him

now he was a friend of ours but we are also smart enough to know that in a hospital we're not

needed okay all we can do is get in the way but after they'd clean him up a couple of the nurses

came over to us to make sure we were all right see they've been watching us and him and the

interaction and they knew that we were friends and we would be concerned they wouldn't make sure we

were okay which brought home to me once again that people watch us if you're a member of alcoholics

anonymous you need to know they're watching you yeah I didn't take you at face value I watched you

if you couldn't demonstrate to me something different I didn't want to hear any more I've heard all the

words I can stand but if your words match the way you live then maybe I'll pay attention to them or

I'll at least get curious enough to ask you how the hell did you get that done and I don't

only ask that of people that I've watched for a while and it's not because I'm paranoid but I'm

I'm a duck I'm susceptible to persuasion if you think it's a good idea I'm game

a lot of trouble through my life we talk about having an open mind my dad he was a very wise man

said you want an open mind but you don't want it so open that everybody who drives by so there's a

trash in it so we become a little bit discerning here my life is none of my business since I

surrendered to the to the God that I understand but the conduct of my life is entirely my business

I have to become a little bit discerning who do I hang out with not very many people

I love most everybody don't like everybody don't pretend to you some folks are just unlikable

hell I'm sorry I had a parole officer told me that one time he said I'll know you're okay when I

can find somebody who's just met you that'll tell me honestly they didn't like you because you can't

possibly please everybody and if you try to it just where you just wore me out I did not know I was

alcoholic when alcoholics anonymous came and got me and I didn't come to you because I didn't know

I was alcoholic well I would have come to you at the time I came into the fellowship I was five

and a half months sober meaning that far away from my last drink or any other kind of chemical

I'm also one of the freaks that came out of Berkeley in the 60s screaming out where there's

dope there's hope burned down city hall man we tried we just couldn't find city hall

but I'm not a drug addict I was certified that I was certified when I got here as a sociopath type

to psychopath and a manic depressive drug addict and I'm none of those things although their

sociopath comes pretty close to my behavior but I had to find out see I'm one of those who

have been around long enough to know that our recovery process which is found in this book

called alcoholics anonymous will work for anyone as long as the foundation is truth

if you don't have a foundation of truth then it isn't going to work you know just frustrate

the hell out of you so on an individual basis I had to find out what am I really and I know

I'm an alcoholic who had a multitude of other problems but I'm an alcoholic alcohol wasn't a

problem for me it was a condition of being and I still have it I have a body that if I give it

alcohol instantly demands more alcohol I had a chance to sponsor a psychiatrist once oh I love that

I've also gotten a sponsor award and I love that

thank you all about that you know that oh yeah this psychiatrist is one of the founding

psychiatrist is one of the finest alcohol and drug treatment programs in the world the

pair one concept university to hospital in Denver been going for many years now very

successful couldn't stay sober though I knew too much about alcoholism it's a real problem for

and I'm the sponsor at the end of the line because I only know one thing how to take you through

the steps of the big book in the hopes that in doing so and in our sharing you will awaken

spiritually because I can't get you sober maybe we can find the spirit within you because that will

and and if you don't want to do it that way I'd love to go bowling with you but don't come at

six in the morning I'm not interested okay there are too many people who are and anyway I was

reading the doctor's opinion to him because the way I was brought into this and the way I do it

is very simple you show up at my house at six o'clock in the morning on a regular basis and that can

be once a week or it can be once every day I don't care but it has to be regular and because I know

that your main problem isn't alcohol it's that you can't read well alcoholics don't know how to read

they read white and the book is written in black they interpret the identify with or relate to

god how many hours we wasted trying to relate to things we still don't know anything about

so anyway I just read the big book to you word for word share some of my stories get you to share

some of your stories because that's what it says to do and together we will walk on this spiritual

journey and I take it with you I will not ask you to do anything that I'm not doing

currently and somehow in all that people seem to stay sober but I'm in the doctor's opinion

with the psychiatrist and it's pretty simple it's not not that complex but he didn't get it

I'm watching it go into his head as information and get lost among all the other information he

already has and he didn't get it and I love working with people like that because it has caused me

to learn effective prayer oh god help what am I going to say to this guy because he's put his

life in my hands and I don't take that lightly and I'm not getting through to him and self-worth

isn't getting through to him he's too damn smart so I'm praying how can I make this even simpler

and I heard this come out of my mouth down what happens to you after the first drink he said

oh around the fourth and fifth or sixth drink I kind of forget what I am and what I'm supposed

to do next and I end up getting drunk and I said well what happens to you after the first drink he

said well around the fourth and fifth or sixth drink somewhere I lose track of where I am and

where I'm supposed to be next and I'm getting drunk what happens to me after the first drink

is the second drink that's it he got it that's it what happens to me after the first drink is

the second drink and then he helped me because you do you know it didn't necessarily happen

within an hour of the first one it maybe I had a drink on Monday he said it was Thursday

before it caught me and so I learned a little something from him but it caught him

somewhere along the way if when I drink I'm unable to control the amount that I drank

or if if I want to stop I find I can't stop that defines alcoholism and he got it and I got it

the Chinese told us this 3 or 4,000 years ago man takes a drink drink takes a drink drink takes

the man alcoholism the drink taking a drink no wonderful that's ego deflation at depth

we finally have something I cannot control even with the delusion that I can I can live in

complete fantasy but I know if once I've accepted the fact that what happens to me after the first

drink is the second drink and that's irrevocable it does happen my ego is busted we're finally on

the way it doesn't take emotional brow beating my god that causes me to drink can't you see what

you're doing to your kids oh yeah that hurts the bad I better have a drink

don't you see what you're doing to yourself oh yeah oh yeah I need a drink I can give you a

hundred reasons I drank or more the main reason I drank is no reason at all and the ego finds

that impossible to accept and once it accepts it it's broken that one little piece of information

is the key to our entire recovery process and bill says in the big book any description of

alcoholism which leaves out this physical factors incomplete and that includes ours so I offer a

challenge to you because I've already heard it once this weekend anytime I say to anyone that the

recovery process is in the first 164 pages I'm lying to them that leaves out the doctor's opinion

and it leaves out two of the most important sentences in the big book the first two

which tells people who we are we of alcoholics anonymous are more than a hundred men and women

who've recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body I don't have any problem at all

with people who are still in recovery but I'm not I've recovered from alcoholism all that means

that I don't suffer from any of the symptoms of alcoholism anymore I suffer a good deal from the

human condition but what are the symptoms of alcoholism as we understand it well if I take one

drink I will take another a craving will develop that causes me to put everything else secondary

becomes paramount to all of their interests well I don't drink so I don't have that problem

I don't suffer from that the other part of my illness is that I can't seem to remember that

I have alcohol on my mind all the time well I haven't I haven't thought of a drink

repellar fix for 35 plus years it's gone it's not there anymore I am incredibly vulnerable

because I don't see alcohol it has to be brought to my attention now you can either be scared of

that or you can accept the fact as I have that I must have a power greater myself watching over

me because that's going to catch me at an odd time won't catch me tonight won't catch me at

six o'clock in the morning with my group or somebody I'm working with I'll tell you exactly

when it almost caught me at 37,000 feet one time I was coming back from a little deal here in

New York as a matter of fact I I've been in and out of this town a lot I had the privilege of

serving as a delegate from my area and a trustee at large so I'm in and out a lot and I'm headed home

after a weekend here that had been pretty good I hadn't heard anybody

and didn't get pissed at anybody which was rare at the board level anyway

and I'm headed home to the family that I love beyond anything I can describe to you

now and then because they I fly united a lot they bumped me into first class

I used to think it was because I've done God's work well and this is my reward

sure you know little spiritual delusions now and then I talked with a flight attendant once and she

said no we're falling we need your seat and we can't resell the first class seat but we can get

you out of yours we can resell yours I don't care why they put me out there it's better than back

there and they serve real food they use real plates they even have linen on that little drop

down seat and real steel silverware or the well they used to I was bumped up in the first class

a few weeks ago and now you have a steel spoon and a steel fork and a plastic knife

and the thought crossed my mind that's weird I wonder if they know what I can do with a fork

don't tell anybody I said that but anyway I'm up there in first class and it's nice and it's

an evening flight so the lights were kind of dim and the reading lights were on

gave the room a nice ambiance I don't know what it means right somebody use it to you

I'm reading a book I've been wanting to read because I've got a three and a half hour flight home

everything was fine I was emotionally and mentally stable and fit I was spiritually fit and that's

the third part of my illness and the main part of my illness I have a spiritual disease

and it's called separation from that's the disease that's my real problem a sense of separation from

God and the people about me everything we do here is geared to bring us back into

line with God and the people about me anyway I was fit and they started serving supper and I saw

the flight attendant pouring this ruby beautiful red burgundy stuff into my seat in age glass

just out of the corner of my eye and I turned to look at it because in the light and the way the light

was hitting it and all the comfort it got my attention and my mind said that really looks good

now that's the truth I think people with long-term sobriety are far more in danger from the truth

than the art from lies of course it looked good I didn't see why that's not part of my consciousness

burgundy red stuff it looks good and immediately my mind said I bet this is going to taste good

well of course it would why else would she give it to her I'm pouring a vinegar

but I'm still not thinking wine that's just going to taste good then my mind went into the

knowledge I have about wine a lot of her thinking about wine and said I bet that'll make

this whole dinner taste better because that's one of the main functions of wine for real people

cuts the grease from what you just ate so you can taste what you're about to eat

and immediately a prayer began in me and I don't know how else to explain that the spirit is alive

where I am God is and the spirit is alive and well and there are things that happen for me

where I know the spirit is saying you who and that happened and I immediately withdrew and went

inside because that's where I go and instantly realized my very next thought would have been

I probably should have one of those two without ever thinking that is alcohol that's all vulnerable

I am I must have that spirit to watch over me because it'll catch me at 37 000 feet without

thinking about it and this book is filled with stories of people who have the same experience

with no thought at all they started drinking again I don't want to live my life afraid that

that's going to happen to me so I have learned spiritual exercises that keep me focused on

something else so that the spirit I'm available to the spirit that's all I have to be I get distressed

sometimes in the new AA with some of the things I hear not all of them some of them I want to

hurt the other day to stir me a little bit the chairperson said let's invite God in

I'm thinking what wait a minute God's already here

let's acknowledge that that little shift makes a difference you know the shift in thinking the

cause I hear people talk about not being connected anymore scares the hell out of me for them

this isn't about being connected to something it's about acknowledging the presence of

I can't be connected and unconnected from God or all the little life out of anxiety

I don't want to do that I really trust and rely upon the spirit and to do the spirit's work

I have to because I'm constantly put in conditions where I don't know what the hell to do next

but we have entered into a new world where we just kind of know intuitively how to handle

situations that used to baffle us and the great mercy of that is I usually don't know

how I've done that for about six weeks after I've done it so I don't get to take any credit for it

at all all I have ever wanted to be was a good father and a good son and a member of my community

we could just never pull it off and I can't lay that off on I didn't know how because I did

I come from a functional home I'm sorry but I do

well it's not fashionable anymore

as far as I know I'm the only alcoholic in it my uncle Walter looked promising for a while

he and Aunt Ruth used to drink and get drunk and have a ball they partied all the time good hard

drinkers and then I don't know 40 years ago uncle Walt's doctor said Walter if you don't stop

drinking you're gonna die and he quit just didn't have what it took

oh you got to be tough to be an alcoholic you got to be tough in every you got to be tough enough

to sleep in the snow on the street not freeze to death you got to be tough enough to lie to the

people that you love the most got to be tough enough to steal from your children

and everybody else around you this is an easy deal

got to be tough enough like Jimmy was tough enough that he drank rubbing alcohol

and survived that you got to be pretty tough to be smelled bad but he made it

and recovery is for tough people too the spiritual life is not one for weaklings or sissies

you got to be really tough to live a spiritual life

and I could spend an hour telling you why and I won't maybe we'll chat about some of that

you got to be tough this calls for sacrifice and in my human condition in my human mind I always

thought sacrifice meant that I take the the person that I love the most and put them on the altar

cut their throat and give them to God oh that's what we're trying

sacrifices is sacred offering the whole word traces back to sacred I offer to God the very best

of me that's all it means I will give you my very best and it means I have to understand that

that's good enough for God to use I can no longer play the game that I am not worthy

the hell I'm not I'm here and that's all he ever asked just show up

so I make a sacrifice there are nights I'd rather stay home but this is one of them my

wife retired two years ago and my grandchildren are home tonight and they're baking cookies

and my wife has gotten cuter in the last two years and she was when I married her

it's true it's true and I'm not dead yet

but she and I understand something the reason we have what we have and we've been married now

well we've been together as of December 3rd for 28 years we haven't had a fight yet

she won't fight and I won't fight she's right most of the time anyway

and oh yeah she thinks I'm the cutest thing she's ever seen and I agree

sacrifices an important thing because sometimes it does mean there are the things I would like to

be doing but this is more important and it's described in our book just before the third step

describes spiritual people in their way of thinking we begin to lose interest in our

little plans and designs and think more and more of other people in several places it talks about

my thoughts should turn to how I could be of use to you because that is being of use to me

when I was sick it was me and who I needed you to be to give me what I thought I needed

I'm no longer sick I'm spiritually awake and part of that means that I understand clearly I am you and you are me

and what happens to you happens to me what happens for you happens for me

I believe that the spiritual life truly in my present state of being is one of an enlightened

self-interest that's the best I can get out of it I still want mine I still want to be comfortable

and appreciated and loved and wanted and needed but I've discovered that the best way for me to

get mine is to make sure you get yours and mine comes automatically and people think this is a

hard thing to do that says I love you I ain't fighting nothing going on here I am here tonight

because I was invited to come and my experience of God is just that all my relationships are based on

my relationship with God and if they're not I feel it instantly first thing I learned about God

is it comes by invitation only not because he's mean but because if I don't invite I'm not aware

and it's just about being when it comes by invitation only so I only come by invitation

my worst character defect was my rudeness my willingness to impose myself and my ideas in

your life without asking you whether you want to be there or not comes every time there's an

invitation yep got to fit that one that one's a bitch I was taught early on in A to never turn

down a legitimate A request now that sounds simple but didn't that a bitch I've got to decide what

legitimate and what is it oh my goodness how do I figure that out well it isn't that hard

just to say yes to everything comes by if you got the time but in time that changes

I'm going to spend more time in the later part of this book this week because many of you have

already been here and Jerry and I've already covered the ground and Bo's covered the ground

tell you one thing then I want to we'll take a break and give it back to boy you want to meet

how somebody said we'll quit it hey I think that's ridiculous we'll take a break and come back yeah

I uh I do say yes to most ever most everything because that is what I'm supposed to do

we'll talk later about some of the times when I can if others are going to be

affected I should consult with them too that's not just an amend principle that's a life principle

two years ago about eight nine months before the event I was invited to go with another

past delegate from our it to Cedar Rapids Iowa and do the traditions and concepts weekend like

we're doing here only with traditions and concepts very studious and use the board or all that

between when I accepted the invitation in about three four weeks before the event my granddaughter

came up with her very first dance recital didn't take five minutes for me to cancel me out of that

there's only one first dance recital and I was needed there by her by my wife and by my daughter

and traditions and concepts I'm not the be all and end all I was taught if you can't make it get

a suitable replacement so we got a replacement that the other guy sponsored anyway so they didn't

need me her second dance recital I was with you it isn't that hard to decide but sometimes it takes

if you're indoctrinated now what you got conflict what's going to happen if I don't show up in Cedar

Rapids you'll probably have a better time without me my home group does I got well we were running

about 12 13 people you know at six in the morning we don't have much dead weight and

I was on the road for six straight weekends and came back in the group of grown to 22

so it's clear to me that the best way to help my group is to not show up

one part of my mind says that they were glad I came back

the thing I like about my home group is just I'm just a member they just function fine without me

they function better with me because every member of a group that's missing diminishes the

group a little bit it didn't hurt him much but it diminishes them anyhow I can already tell you

I'm frustrated because I've already thought of enough things to talk about to get it through

till Wednesday and we got a picture of him so we're going to take a break he thought he was brought

up here to give a long winded alanon talk so let's take a break and let him start

now smokers I understand that you need