I created a group of monsters. He and I, none of you have got everybody doing the work, meaning the steps. The steps are not to work. The steps are the preparation for the work. The work of Alcoholics Anonymous and the work of members of Alcoholics Anonymous are to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to those who don't have the message.

That's the work. The steps get me fit to do that. If I want to play football for a professional football team, there are exercises I must do to get in fit condition to be able to play in that game. Well, this is my game. There are exercises I must do to get fit. If I'm going to carry this message, I must be fit. And then I must continue doing certain exercises in order to stay fit.

I can't get closer to God working the steps. Where I am, God is. I'm not going to get any closer than that. All I can do is perhaps increase my effectiveness by getting rid of my reluctance, which is what the steps are about, the things that block me. We were to retreat one time in small enough. We were going around talking about agendas. This was two years ago, and I heard myself say,

myself say everybody was giving us why they were here for the weekend what they

wanted and I start off by saying I'm here to get a better relationship with

God sure sounded good realize as I said it's the most selfish thing I've ever

said the relationship that's formed between God and I I don't form that God

forms that and I conform those are the terms I understand if I'm trying to get

a better relationship I'm trying to get I'm saying I don't have enough power I

want some more we're back into that kooky thinking God be telling us what the

relationship will be that I can form I comply with the conditions and the

conditions are really rough he wants me to be happy joyous free useful child

like I believe you like to be best when I'm goofy because his children laughs more

when I am now selfishness and self-centeredness that we think is the

root of our troubles do you believe that this is a checklist do I really

believe that that's the truth or do I believe that it was what somebody did to

me someone along the way or do I believe that life is not fair what do I believe

do I believe that anything but selfish and self-centered is the root of my

troubles now I may have some troubles on the branches but the root selfish and

self-centeredness do I believe that we don't move on until I do because there's

no need to go on until I do this is based on that premise if I don't believe

it why bother driven by hundred forms of fear self delusion self-seeking and

self-pity we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate I got a picture

of my ego one time I was in a meeting and I was quoting this I quit doing that

by the way I said driven by a thousand forms and after the meeting one of our

big-book Nazis God Blessings and here he goes still core out of hand he said

thousands and a hundred he was right I can't I even gonna exaggerate the truth

left to my own devices a thousand sounded better than a hundred I'm sicker

than now I like the idea of being driven by my ego because that's what it

does driven like a mule somebody pounding me in the back of a head with a

two-by-four driving me down the road I don't want to go that's my ego the main

difference between living with selfishness and self-centeredness is that I'm

driven by these forms of self delusion self-pity living a spiritual life means

I'm led and it makes it a whole lot easier if you try it the more you drive

me then more reluctant I am I like meals are a good image for me because I come

from your country a meal is a deliberate cross between a horse and a donkey and it

is sexless that's enough to make you stubborn right there you know they can't

reproduce they have bad attitudes they're they're strong they have all the good

qualities that are durable they're dedicated and they're stubborn I'm

talking about a two-by-four in the back of the head in our country that's

sometimes what you have to do you get started with that mule and the son of

a bitch will just sit down and it's honestly gonna look at you and you can

smack him with a stick and you just look at you you gonna pop him with a whip and

just look at you what it takes to get him up is to hit him in the back of the

head a couple times with a two before then you'll get up and walk but he's still

looking at you do not want to get close okay I'm driven by these the delusion

that somehow or another I can rest satisfaction and happiness out of life if

I only manage well drives me to try to rest satisfaction and happiness out of

life what I've learned about happiness is real simple there is no such thing

as happiness you have to learn to be happy about it got that from Jerry Lewis

once you got a spiritual mind you hear stuff everything here turn spiritual on

you do I believe that my troubles are because based on self I stepped on

somebody's toes and that's why they are yeah pretty much so there were some

events as a tiny child that I'm all together sure but they didn't cause

many trouble at the time anyway we just watched a phenomenal thing occur I don't

want to bring into this midst in the midst of this the little ones adapt really

well it's after we start thinking and reacting and begin to pick up rights and

think then we become victims not until then our old grandson how old was he

about eight months as a result of circumstances he was staying at someone

else's house and she had to go out so her husband was watching him and next

thing we know we got a baby on the way to the hospital with all the skin

burned off of his hand a parent accident until we all got to see the burn there

was no accident just like a glove this hand had been dipped in blowing something

now setting aside all that drama which is not relevant to what I'm talking about

because we all were a little traumatized the baby the baby went through this I'm

watching the same month old baby with his hands burned and he just kind of

sliding through and it's all healed up there's not even a scar and he's not the

least bit traumatized by the event I'm in awe until I go way back in

and realize that's pretty correct he's in the moment and it hurt when it hurt

he cried and when it healed he healed and he didn't blame anybody he has no

reference for blaming anybody nobody did anything to him it happened we know

and and by the way we're putting that person in jail who did something but the

baby don't know that wouldn't it be nice to get my own mind back into that

place well that's what they did here let's help me get back to where I can

honestly say to you today no one has ever done anything to me things were

done to the guy who used to live here but no one's done anything to me so I don't

have to carry all that baggage and that's part of what this process takes care of

okay just grants on a Mars by the way I've got pictures and stories and don't

get me started on his sister but that I wanted to tell you that because it just

hit me how that correlates the purity of this baby and his inability somebody

has to teach me about blame and teach me about being a victim and I'm not saying

that doesn't happen I'm saying there's a time when when it does I can get past

that and then there's a time after I learned too much where I can't get past

that and this will help me examine that time so what it did it helped me pick

out all the lies in my life for what they were so our troubles we think are

basically of our own making somewhere up north Ruth was there one of the girls

but I won't use your name because it's not appropriate she was buttoned down at

this weekend this is what six seven years ago I mean buttoned down come back gear

camouflage outfit button up to here button down to here boots button down to

here you got one then three feet over you got this and she asked me a legitimate

question at this point she says wait a minute when I was five years old my

grandfather molested me what the hell could I have done it brought that on nothing

that was causing trouble she helped me walk through this and I'm gonna share

it with you because she helped me walk through it what happened at five really

happened and somebody on a horse with that old bastard that's the first

response but that wasn't the trouble it's never the trouble with me when

something happens the trouble that comes later is what I did with it first time

I remember that that didn't what happened at all it's colored by my own

pain and by anybody else I happened to talk to about it and their take on it

and 14 years of that is what's got me buttoned down 14 years of rehashing it the

resentment that comes from rehashing it and changing it a little here and a

little there what do you think about this gets added into it my response to

my response gets added in so now I'm all buttoned down by something that never

really happened anyway and if I'm ever going to be free I've got to get to what

really happened I do the most impossible job of all forgive them that is what

this is to do freedom comes from realizing that the people who harm me

like myself were spiritually sick there is no other freedom I can write till

doomsday it means nothing until I've done that I can pray forever and until I've

done that it means nothing so our troubles really are wrong making do we

believe that let me take some processing I want to plant that seat because this

girl is no longer buttoned down and she and I walk through that and we both got

the truth out of that and she processed that and I got to process and things

that happened to me I've taken some meetings that I really had to take so I

got to process it and she's not buttoned down anymore she does something

incredibly magnificent artwork most painters take a blank thing and paint

stuff on it she paints this thing and then takes paint off and that's what makes

the picture good stuff very loving kind sweet girl so I'm inclined to think

that what she walked with me through is probably true and that's what this says

that's another take on that I'm still inclined to think similarly out of what

the old son of a bitch but of course I'm not there I've got to forgive them to it

doesn't mean that they are right that's what my alcoholic mind says if I admit

that there is no fault here then that isn't fair that makes them right no it

doesn't it makes me free that's really all care about I cannot be of help to

anybody until I'm free of it okay I one of the things that came out of my

inventory a little just a little piece in this area when I was 11 years old I

got caught having sex and beaten really severely told it was gonna be cut off

next time I defended God and my mother took a looking with a rubber hose you know

I know a lot of drama behind this one I just a little kid it kind of warped

things for a while but the thing I hung on to the anger that I hung on to the

hook I had was it how unfair this was at 11 what could I possibly have known

about it being wrong at 11 nobody told me anything was wrong and in inventory I

got a clear picture I knew it was wrong we were hiding that way I may not know

what was wrong but I know you don't get caught doing this freed me up the

response may have been an over response but the response was one that was taught

by those who went before and if I don't like that response let me get free then

so I don't pass in on the buck stops here and the violence stops here the lack

of love stops here you know what I'm doing is to forgive that to understand

this is their seconds behind this well people don't do things like that you

catching it you catching the sense of freedom that comes from that and it

isn't fair it's just awful because it's not fair thank God oh my they arise out

of ourselves what happened to me 40 years ago didn't happen today and I've

I'm troubled by it it's arising out of myself that's just the truth I'm making

it happen they did a bad thing once I do it damner every day for 40 years how

many times is that now who's the idiot above everything we alcoholics must be

rid of this selfishness I have rights I've been mistreated that's the kind of

selfishness I am better than that why did they do this to me blah blah blah

blah we must be rid of this selfishness we must read kills us God makes that

possible and there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his

aid we have just entered into a peripheral time and so we can look at

these things safely we're in the midst of a spiritual activity we are safe and

protected we're just giving our lives entirely God and we're looking for the

things that are killing us we're safe and protected I can go back and look at

I know and not be totally terrified well this is how I live first of all we had

to quit playing God that's a really unfair thing to say to me every time I

rehashed the deal I'm playing God saying you should have done it this way then I

could have done it this way and then you just said and then I just said and then

we'd have brought him in and he'd have gotten on my team and we'd have all said

and then you just said I'm playing God trying to decide what you're supposed to

be I don't know whether you're supposed to be loving and kind or a mean

son of a bitch I really don't I want to find out quickly because if you're

supposed to be a mean son bitch I don't be around you but I don't get to make that

choice so we have to quit playing God the business of the actor on the stage

is wonderful I'm busy here assigning everybody to your role you like me and

you support me and you we brought up I was brought up that way I'm supposed to

feed this whole damn family a wife and seven kids I gotta provide for them that's

a big load I'm supposed to provide what and all that stuff and I get caught up

in that so I assigned myself a role good father good husband good citizen and I

can't for any of them what does a good citizen do well some good a citizen's

join the PTA some join the Chamber of Commerce some adopt a street and I'm an

alcoholic I don't pick any one I gotta do them all

alright you too yeah so I get busy my sponsor one time said you know we're

supposed to practice these principles and all our affairs and that means we

practice them at home too and in order to do that you have to be there once in

a while revelation drop about 50 these activities are making me crazy none of my

business anyway my troubles are my own making and I'm busy assigning roles to you

and to me kids are supposed to be seen not heard whether you have seven of try

get try that one on a house for seven kids they will be heard and if you don't

like it you're dead meat we had a set of twins that were little bitty ones they'd

bite you down to where the big ones could stomp you that's what it felt

like in that house until I got my head straight with it we had a group

conscience one time over the noise because it really wasn't a noisy place

we also had a dog and a couple white Siamese cats he's just so we had group

conscience formal group conscience this is back in my legalistic day to try to

come up with solution to the yelling in the screaming and the seven-year-old had

the best solution of all it was the best nobody else could think of anything

better than this the screamer was to get on top of the refrigerator and jump

off on her head that's it and no matter how long we talk nobody came up with a

better idea than that which brought us to the resolution into the truth if you

live in a house with two adults seven children a couple dogs and a couple cats

it's got to be noisy learn to live with it but learn to kind of take care of each

other too maybe it doesn't have to be all that noisy maybe if we feel like

screaming we can go out in the backyard and scream out there maybe we'll be a little

kinder to each other it led us to some good stuff anyway I've got I get off

track so do we all agree we got a quit playing God I'm just running check

this for you are she to be you ever used to be playing God

and I'd pick the right one huh you gotta be honest is it why is it a hard one cuz

you're in the way who's your sponsor I'm through worrying about you man you

don't have a chance we're gonna be all right do you believe that that will be

one of the conditions of continuing to build a relationship with God isn't you

could playing God that's the more appropriate way of asking the question

I don't have to accomplish this I just have to be willing and look at the truth

of it next we decide that here after in this drama life God is going to be our

director he's giving us a number of images because Bill knew in the human

condition we all need images I've got to be able to relate to something and I

can't relate to God at this point it's too big he's the director well I know a

lot of theater people I was raising musicians and theater people and I am a

good actor I'm not good enough to go on the stage so I've quit that but I

recognize them most good actors make very poor directors there are a few that

can do both but not many but it's a pretty small number because one of the

requisites of being a good actor is that you can become truly character

centered we would call it self-centered once I'm character centered there is no

question in my mind the center stage under the main spot is where this play

works best for me and all the rest of them are peripheral and they're feeding

into my character who is the essence of the play it takes somebody who can stand

back and look at the whole picture to put the actors in the right place at the

right time because most others want more lines better lighting count the house

first if it isn't full delay until they all get here and that's just the way of it

and I can get ahold of that image I can work with that see my mind's gonna

think anyway my mind's gonna work I might as well give it something to think

about I cannot shut it off it's not built that way one of the places that

took me just for fun because I really do like to think try to see how this fits

one of the most memorable lines in all of theater is not the last poor

Yorick I knew him well that's pretty well known but even better known is from

at least in my generation it's from a little English farce they had meaningless

play I don't even remember the name of the play but most everybody remembers

the idiot who comes flying in the French doors to the outside and his tennis

outfit in the middle of a key dramatic piece says tennis anyone

the whole play pivoted on tennis anyone and it took a good director to

spot that I wouldn't have spotted that I would much rather have been in the

midst of the drama so I can work with this image he's the father and worries

children I had old difficulty with that because of my own attitudes toward my

own father at the time see he didn't give me what I needed when I was far nobody

could I need way too much for any human being to ever be able to give me

what I need oh yeah just true and I was really pissed at him because he didn't

measure up I know what father is here my conception of God I understand father

not as a gender thing but as a principal and my dad didn't match it despite the

fact that he was always there when he loved me to care of me he took us on

trips this is a man who had worked really hard for three or four months at his own

business really hard so he had the luxury in the fourth month I'm taking two or

three weeks off taking us out of school I'm taking us on trips to New Mexico and

Arizona and Colorado and Utah because he knew that's what we really learned

about life and school is important but these trips were more important as a

family he flew a little airplane and he painted a big silver circle on the top

of the mother's car and he put one of the kids in the plane with him mom and the

other two kids head down the road and he'd come a couple hours afterwards and he

fly until they saw that spot on the car and then he land in a field somewhere

and trade kids off and I'm sitting there fisting so I kind of got this

eventually he was a really good father but no human being can ever match up to

my understanding what father reading is but I'd like to be a good father too so

let's look at those characteristics and we can examine some of those later I can

accept this he's the father and worries children well that's nice because that's

all I want to be anyway I just want to be a little kid I'm all about play I don't

be serious I've got this is a scary planet they got things on this planet to

eat you personally I just want to be a kid and have some fun and laugh and I'll be

serious about things but I want to laugh and have fun I want to play

we almost overdosed but still haven't we gone for a little over an hour y'all

won't break that let's take a little short break yeah we're about to get get

serious but let's take a little break first as we look at this movement on

toward some more action I want to back up just just a little ways on page 62

right in the middle of page where it starts off so our troubles we think are

basically of our own making about halfway down there it says and there

often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid and that

suggests to me this is about getting rid of self which is to say if I follow

that thought through I don't need any self esteem do I and I don't even really

need to learn to love myself I really truly don't in fact the best thing that

I could do I'll never achieve it in this lifetime but the best thing I could do

would be to completely forget myself it happens to be true and I I've

discovered that along the way the real joy and much of what we get to do is

getting to watch you all really and the last thing I'll leave and then we'll get

on to some specific instructions here I've even had people tell me by the way if

you have somebody tell you something and it doesn't create a resonance don't buy

it just because they said it I don't care if they have had 25 years or 25

minutes here it doesn't create a resonance with you look at it very

carefully I've shared with you some of the things my sponsor told me and and I

knew there was truth in them when I was told it even though I didn't like it one

of the things that I was told when I got early here was that I had to do this for

myself and way down deep inside of me I truly knew that I wasn't worth it my

kids were my mother my brothers were but I wasn't worth it I needed to be doing

this to watch the disappointment leave their faces and so that's the main

reason that I ended up being here was I was tired of a terrible disappointment

I could see it with my kids were experiencing time after time after time

and so you know and I knew when I'm here that I'd say people say well Jerry you

got to want to do this for yourself no I don't that's my experience okay I got

the mic so I get to share if you have a different thought there's a mic there

but don't you say a word says after we take the third step next we launch on a

course of vigorous action the first step which is a personal house cleaning

which many of us had never attempted now we really haven't have what what we

have done at least it's been my experience is that we have all done the

first three columns of this thing of the resentment and part of the inventory

and I'll tell you about those columns in a minute we've been doing that first

three columns all over lives where we have she pissed me off because she left

me and it embarrassed the hell out of me and it affected my relations with her

that's columns one two and three see it's not it's not complicated though our

decision meaning the third step though our decision was a vital and crucial step

could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous

effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which have been

blocking us our liquor was but a symptom so we had to get down to causes and

conditions to face and to be rid of that is by the way it's a very subtle little

deal but it's a promise we're not see one of the things that frightened me about

this spiritual path was people kept talking about this inventory and I

knew in the inventory process there was going to be some revelation and one of

the reasons that I didn't want to do it because I don't want to get down to

that stuff I don't want to have to dredge all that junk back up Don mentioned

earlier you don't need to tell me when I've messed up got almighty I know when

I've done the wrong thing if somebody says that we don't know the difference

between right and wrong that's incorrect I know the difference between right and

wrong and I'm painfully aware of the difference between right and wrong I don't

need to dredge it up in the sense of dredge it up and then live with it but I

tell you what it says here we're going to be able to be rid of it and by now in

the process very first time I was carried through this I understood that I could

not be rid of it on my power but there was another power which has been added

in and that's going to be involved in this being rid of so that's a nifty little

promise like I say it's one that I think is somewhat hidden but there it is we're

going to face it but then we're going to be rid of the things which are blocking

us from the sunlight of the spirit and therefore we started upon a personal

inventory I just want to jump in for a minute on this piece right here that's

what made it possible for me to look at what I had done to the people I love

the most my kids my parents the people like that because I couldn't be rid of

it now that is why I came here with to be changed this is not an effort for me

to find out who I am this is an effort to help me find out who I'm not then when

you rid of that and who I am will just show up much simpler I couldn't face what

I had done with the children particularly I didn't beat my kids and I just a step

on the road me yelling at them that kind of thing weren't that I had come to

believe already I could be done with that the value of keeping it fresh and

alive if you've got one of those dark worms in your head you can't get free

to come of it because of it I can tell you you can get free of that one to be

rid of it but whoever you are show up along those same lines just a little

footnote one of the things that I believe comes closer to killing more

alcoholics than anything else is the idea of what they should be and they

damn near kill themselves trying to be that I should not have a resentment

toward my mother I know that with all my heart and because I thought I shouldn't

and the longer you stay sober and live around this bunch of folks and many of

them who are doing inventory and have been free to that and have entered that

forgiveness state of spirit and if you're around those kind of folks and you

haven't been able to do yet do that yet but you know you should and so you

think on our own power I should learn how to forgive and you can't do it you

just can't do it and so that little thought I believe truly believe it kills

more alcoholics you believe I should be good now and I can't be so as we move

down through this let me give you one little underlying thought or context the

fabric of what we're talking about here I can't be good it's not in me to be

good if I get rid of enough stuff some good will begin to show up from time to

time that's the very best that I can do and that's the power of the Spirit

flowing through me I am not a demonstration or as I always thought

there's a part of this little book that says we asked God to let us demonstrate

what we can do is that what it says no we try to let God demonstrate through us

what he can do entirely different deal the alcoholic mind gets a hold of a good

deal and you twist it just a little now I want to be a demonstration

this isn't about me being in demonstrations about the power of God

demonstrating through me what he can do so this is all about Jerry getting

rid of Jerry and whatever shows up you'll get to see it and I'll get to see it a

little bit of luck we'll both be happy sure wouldn't have been happy to see

what was there before so a business which takes no regular inventory usually

goes broke picking your commercial inventory the fact finding in fact

facing process the people that come to my house that we sat down and talked to

that's something that they get awfully tired of hearing because I will tell

them let's take the drama out of this and let's get down to the facts and they're

right Jackie what are the facts I mean because the drama is all about well but

you need to understand Jerry when he did this and we go all over the place

what are the facts darling what are the facts back facing back finding process

you're going to hear something about columns and and I don't want to get

technical here please in fact maybe I should tell you a quick story of my own

personal experience and going through this process the very first time 13 years

sober terribly sick alcoholically speaking been away from the drink for a

long time mine was terribly damaged with untreated alcoholism that I could

barely make sense of out of anything couldn't have gone through this book on

my own just couldn't do it and yet on the outside I look like a perfectly

functioning individual no you didn't see that's well the truth that's right

sky the truth be told in case you all haven't figured out yet from time to time

I will make reference to a son of a bitch who was my sponsor he's sitting here and

I was on a roll too what's that yeah put him on put him on my list column one

down kind of a little bit of fun along those lines I like what he had I do what

he does to the best of my ability I've never had to put him on my list I was

getting the instructions to this very clearly and I honest to God believe that

I was doing this my first time through here I thought boy I'll tell you what

now that somebody has shown me how to do this I got it and I'm doing this right

and I have a god awful need to do things right I mean it's just I mean it's

way down deep inside of me I got to do it right and got to do it perfect and I

honest to God believe that it did a couple of years after I've done that first

inventory done a number of inventories after that but I've done two years down

the road I was taking a bunch of guys to the book and I said I want you to

understand this inventory process and I want you to learn how to do it right and

the best way I can help you with that is to show you my inventory because I

got it from one of the best and he showed me how to do it right and so I'll get

that out next week when we meet I'll I'll let you see my inventory so they

left that night and I went in and I saved my inventory see I've still got a

ten years to go and then so I pulled it out and I was all and it's a spiral

notebook and I pulled that spiral notebook out and opened the first two

three pages and that wasn't the right stuff that was kind of garbage

so I flipped over some more pages and that wasn't the right stuff either I'm

writing I could clearly remember writing this stuff in perfect columns I mean

perfect columns and so I flipped over some more pages and it was still just

garbage and I went through that whole thing toward the very tail end of that

resume inventory I began to see what loosely translated looked like columns

very loosely but I'll tell you a little something I was doing it and that's what

this was all about at that particular point so while I may talk about columns

and so on and so forth I understand that this is a spiritual deal and the spirit

is very forgiven do we how do we do it we just do it the best we can and that's

as right as you're going to get so fact-facing and fact-finding process

just one of the facts can I I just want to back what you said my very first

inventory was a lie it was I had so desperately wonder what they had that I

took a chance did their step and all that and ran off when I didn't get the

results I thought I finally asking what do I have to do to make this real he said

down God will reveal your himself to you as you reveal yourself to you but I

went off to do an inventory and I did not take time to find out how to do it I

didn't wait for the school session I didn't go I just sat down and spent two

hours making lists of some of the worst things I'd ever done and I took it back

in my sponsor two hours later it took two hours to get it done and he looked at

and said that's garbage he wrote that to impress me get away and this is the

same guy's been loving and kind to me I'm alcoholic I found a guy that would

listen I spent two hours trying to be honest somebody's bug I can listen and

because this is a spiritual I don't know the word process is alright but it's

more than that we're in the midst of an active prayer God is involved here and

all things work when God's it worked it all works out okay and I would tell

Leroy something I've done Leroy would say oh that wasn't all that bad Leroy was

one of the politicians of our a group from the Lee Wolf why else would I pick

he was the top dog he didn't know anything about a but he was the top dog

that wasn't that bad I tell him something else and he'd say that wasn't that bad

and I said what over the list were they might begin to be aware but I was in

serious trouble because some of it was that bad and of what I had done is once

again picked somebody who would tell me what I wanted to hear so I didn't have

to do anything about it and if I didn't stop that immediately and I was gonna

die a very ugly death I'm not afraid of death I've died three times I can

remember but to die an ugly death does mean that for some period prior to that

I will have to live an ugly life I can't tolerate that anymore so in the

midst of the lie because I had brought nothing but war on this to be clear

with it God did his little magic thing and it all worked out well I went back and

learned how to do this thing the way it says to do it here and got it clear but

I had some spiritual events take place in the midst of the lie as long as you're

in prayer you're all right doesn't feel good but you're still all right we are

safe and protected second says one object here that we're we're ever is an

effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade now the truth about the

stock and trade happens to be our truth it's my truth you know I told you here

when we started out this session that one of my great difficulties and I see

some other people struggling with it a bit is we have an idea about what we

should look like after a couple of years or so variety or after five years we

have this image about well by now I should be a lot more recovered than I am

what in the hell do real sick people know about what they should look like

after a certain period of time when is there a chart up on the walls some place

that I miss it said you should look like this when you're five years like this

when you're 10 you know but but we conjure that up see we can take the truth

and squirrel it all up that's how weird we are but it's the objective is to

discover the truth about ourselves well I don't want to have resentments toward

anybody that goes against the spirit deep within me but the truth the

manners it did have I really did I had some serious serious resentment and I

didn't know what to do with it and we make this thing so complicated I said

well what do I do now and I have a dear loving sponsor who said do you know do

you have any paper I said what do you mean what are you driving that he said

well doesn't it say we make a list I said well yeah I suppose but what does that

have what should you have any paper I said well yeah I have paper you know I

have a streak of arrogance in me I don't know if anybody else doesn't know but I

did yeah I have paper well they said why don't you get it I said okay then what

I do you said but you're gonna make a list and I said yeah he said well once you

get a pencil oh okay I began to get the idea that I'm gonna have to do

something besides just dwell on this for a little while this is a little action

involved here you have to get paper and a pencil and then start a column and in

the column I think it's so neat all you have to do and if you want to do it in

the column format I I choose to because I'm I have a tendency if I try it any

other way I'm the odds are I'll squirrel it up somehow I just will and but you

but your columns don't necessarily have to go this way I've seen people who write

columns across did do it whatever works for you then any rate is said we make a

list of people with whom we're angry don't know and I said well listen I they

are calling mine is a dangerous thing my alcoholic mind knew that I was not

supposed to be angry or resentful or hate anybody so because I shouldn't feel

that way I made myself try to bleed but I didn't feel that way and it almost

killed me I said God you're gonna have to show me whatever it is you want me to

know because I can't see anything here back the minute I don't think I'm like

these other alcoholics describing the book at all anyway you know I've never

known myself to get you know be kind on one occasion and and and egotistical and

mean on the other I don't think I've ever done that I all I can ever remember is

just being kind we have strange memories to and I but I really believe that and

so I as in all things that as I've gone through this process process and way of

living had to come to discover the very difficult way I have to rely intensely

on prayer all the time so I said God listen whatever you want me to know

about myself you're gonna have to reveal it to me because I can't just set

here and conjure up the people I have resentments to work because I believe it

didn't have any and God has such a beautiful sense of humor a couple of days

after I had that prayer I ended up in a laundry mat where I was washing coals and

I finished washing them and and I had waited too late to wash them I didn't

start the the washing machine till about midnight and so they they came out

about 12 30 and I put them in the dryer and by this time it's going on one

o'clock in the morning and I'm tired I don't know what you guys do when you get

tired I get terribly grassy I mean just terribly grassy my whole perception of

reality gets terrifically warped so anyway I put these clothes in the dryer

and I understand this is a commercial laundry and there's a dryer up above and

a dryer down below and in the center row there are dual controls one for the

upper dryer and one for the lower dryer so I put mine in there I set my clothes

and I'm fine I'll leave and as I'm leaving a woman comes in and takes a few

little things out of one of the washing machines and she puts it down below and

I see her fiddling with the controls and something niggles at me but I don't pay

much attention and I go on because I'm tired I get back an hour later my clothes

are still wet I couldn't figure out what happened I looked it down at the

setting on my dryer and it was set for no heat she didn't need any heat for

her stuff I needed heat for my stuff and at that moment in time I took my

laundry basket and I slammed it up against one wall box of soap and slammed it up

against another wall and I began to talk about them goddamn the women they have

been jacking around with me my whole life it was all of them from the time

I was a little kid in kindergarten you got your women been jacking around with

me you can't trust them Jack with you in the laundry mat that Jack with you out

on the dance floor and the Jack with you on the highway god damn next morning when

I got up I thought I could list one resentment women now we laugh about that

but I tell you that's that's an honest story I believe that you all had been

jacking with me my whole life meanwhile I continue to pray slowly but surely it

came apparent to me that my mother had kind of mess with me one time and I wrote

my mother down there and as I paused a little bit I thought you know she jacked

with me one other time too she's pretty damn abusive with me blah blah blah and

so my list began to slowly but surely grow the point I'm driving as it it came

through prayer I have to always rely upon prayer and Lord oh God I know it

doesn't take me very long to write down of what they did to me I mean they I

could just say name they mess with me I doesn't take a lot of writing to get

clear about what they did to me now I will qualify that and tell you that

sometimes our mind is so damaged that we have to do a lot of writing to or in

order to finally get down to that little grain of truth grain of truth won't be

more than about 12 or 13 words long but you may have to write a couple pages to

get there I'm not recommending that don't get me wrong I just know what us

ockes will do the examples in the book on page 65 as you can see column two the

examples there are very very short in in the column two area but we get a little

long and a little long-winded well we've been damaged don't you know so

terribly terribly hurt says resemblance a number one offender and that's what we're

talking about halfway down to that paragraph it says when the spiritual

melody is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically in that a hell

of a promise when the spiritual melody is overcome we straighten out mentally

and physically and because I've had the opportunity to walk with some of you

down this little journey I know many of you who have begun to recover mentally

and physically as a result of doing this now it's in my mind that I need to be

better physically and mentally and then I'll do the spiritual stuff I've always

had a tendency to put things backwards since I have enough money I'll go

through the steps as soon as I get my home life straighten out again I'll go

through the steps you know as soon as everything in my life is okay then I'll

go through the steps hey listen I'm an ocky once everything's okay I ain't

going through the damn step viewpoint from my experience

resentment is the number one offender from its stem all forms of spiritual

disease resentment is not a mental or emotional problem it is a spiritual

disease it must be treated with spiritual means which is very nice because

that's what we're doing from its stem all forms of spiritual disease it says it

must be the granddaddy of all of them earlier on in this book I was asked as a

set aside prejudices particularly against spiritual terms to ask myself what does

that mean to me so I use that all through the programming what does that

mean what is a spiritual disease I'm cut off from my spiritual source I'm

casting about trying to find power cut off from my power the problem will be

solved as soon as I find power simple problem simple solution he also tells

me later that why would resentment be a spiritual disease well anything that

separates me from the children of God separates me from God I'm already

accepted the fact that I'm you and you are me and we're all children of God so

what I'm looking at for the things that separate me from you because they are

the things that are separate and it's all self jealousy you have something I

want that sense of lack all the things it will somebody I hope that's real I've

heard that kind of stuff when it wasn't anybody in the room man the whole idea

of God is too big for me got to get it down or I can deal with it if my

relationship with you is not right I will try to fix it I will screw it up

every time if I get my relationship with our father right ours will be right too

because it'll be based on this other I'm not looking to you to be the source of

my well-being I don't have those expectations on you so you can't fail

me I don't expect it a lot of things happen when I finally understand what

that means to me it separates me from the children of God so that separates

me from God that's complicated enough secondly if I resent you you own me

realize the world is people dominated this you can be dead or in another city

and if I resent you you are running my life you own me you own my mind you keep

me from sleeping you keep me from dealing with anybody else it even looks

close like you women that's a lot of people you know I've got one set of

genes it says I need several and then the resemblance is I am messing with me I'll

mess with me and I am sick to death of being owned by the kind of people that

pissed me off so I have some good solid reasons for wanting to deal with this

melody and it is spiritual nature I am incapable on my own I'm not resenting

you because I need you to be what I need you to be and you will never be able

to fulfill that role any of you alone or collectively you can't meet my needs

I can't meet yours either not I'm all that's pretty serious melody in there we

should have some real high drama method of taking care of that shit you know it

would be fair be right what do we get to do with it we get to put it on paper you

kidding me well there's a good reason for that I was in therapy when I was 19 and

one of the things we did to help me overcome the anger I had toward my dad

was to get a picture of him on a punching bag and then punch it so I could

express the anger I don't know what the rest of them did with theirs but I loved

it it didn't get rid of my anger it helped me get involved in it I don't

respond well not as my body differ my whole makeup is different I must be

very careful not to express anger because I hook up to it it's an energy

source for me and I get to feeling it the next thing you know the bear comes

out and I'm off and running I don't have time to stop at anger once I get a

taste of it it's like alcohol I want some rage so I go straight to rage

fears for sissies pay your 50 cents get on a roller coaster what's your pants

go home that's what fears about me I like stark terror first thing in the

morning nothing like it gets you out of bed and on the way to work the world is

mine I have to be very careful with standard therapeutic techniques just

don't seem to work on me now we borrowed a lot from therapy and there's

nothing wrong with it I'm not trying to demean it but I'm suffering from a

spiritual melody so psychological means are not going to be enough they may help

me identify some things or become aware of some things but I can't treat my

problem with my problem and my problem is in my mind I think it's my emotions

it's not it's in my mind my emotions don't come to my mind says oh react and

sometimes I'm busy being self-centered and I should be reacting with joy and I

react with panic I've laughed at funerals and cried at hockey games doesn't make

sense it's inappropriate the message goes out okay but it gets to the wrong

place somehow I'm desperate to have Rashid like me and so he comes up and says

how are you this morning and the message goes out Rashid likes me and it gets

detoured to I wonder what he meant by that you do I suffer from a spiritual

melody it must be just so I don't need high drama methods of dealing with this

because I will just love them I'll get involved in them I'll get good at them

three weeks after I came in to A they also put me into Sena Corps which is

another method because it said drug addicts on the thing so they sent me

well this is games therapy encounter therapy and after one meeting I

realized I was in great danger because I liked it and I'd be running the group in

six weeks because I am really good at encounter therapy you gotta remember

I'm Zorro I've been fencing my entire life with the forces of evil by the way

are you aware that Mexico's new president is named Fox that's Zorro

wonderful he finally made it all the way to the top so we set them on paper

and when I'm taking people through this we stop at this point first of all do we

believe all this stuff have we done that yet is my basic question for working

inventory we set them on paper have we done that yet no because we don't know

how constantly understand I don't know how I may have done it yesterday but

today I don't know how if this is truly the book that it purports to be

they're going to show us precisely how to do it so let's read for a little bit

and see if we get any directions why sure enough we list people institutions

and principles with whom we were angry most new inventory I still don't have

any principles on them because most new alcoholics would know a principle of

it hit him in the face people institutions and principles not people places and

things that's a really lovely little warp people institutions and principles

who I'm angry easy list to make so I've been thinking about for the last 30

years no trouble with that one and when I'm working with you go home now and when

you're through with your list come back and when do you come back now we've

had a regular appointment each week to this point and I keep being asked well

when when shall we get together next just as soon as you're through with your

list when will I know you'll know one name counts as a list if that's all you

can get and that's truly all you can get as soon as you got that come back and

we'll do something with it if you take you three weeks to do your list I probably

will never see you again you'll take yourself out of the game you will how

long to take to make a list even if you're one of those fanatics that hates

everybody in the world just bring me a phone book okay I don't care we're

involved in a spiritual activity just keep moving do something pick one right

Fatima do something in most cases we found that it was our self-esteem

pocketbooks ambitions personal relations including sex which it were

hurt or threatened I was shown that in a found no better way if I am having

difficulty it is always for one of those two reasons actually three reasons some

aspect of self is either being hurt threatened or interfered with nothing

else causes me any distress whatsoever if someone is interfering with your self

interest I don't care if you're interfering with myself interest that's

when I care if you mess with my family I'll kill you that's a different deal

hurt or threatened I don't have to have any fancy psychological stuff I don't

call it an extended third column please don't show me what it is I'm not even

interested I have done some things between the third and the fourth column

in some of my own personal inventories in order to clarify things but I try to

keep it this simple I don't have to know why that threatens me it'll be

there when I need it come out somewhere so I try to keep it simple I just know

something either being hurt threatened or interfered with and mostly interfered

with I don't mind being hurt anymore near as much as I dislike being

interfered with the only thing you can threaten me with is if you're going to

interfere with me anyway that becomes the big one don't get in my way you hear

isn't that often but that's the bottom line we go into this inventory looking

for a till of the hunt what I found was a little boy who what his pants a nasty

little boy screaming and ranting and raving to get my own way and you're

interfering I want to go outside but it's snowing I don't care I want to go

outside we'll put on your coat I don't want to put on my coat get out of the

damn door that's what's going on stupid silly little stuff I'm being hurt

threatened or interfered with I've got something to share later by the way you'll

see how stupid it gets at 32 years my nobility was named one of the we do have

this image that that we would like to be able to maintain about ourselves that

we're tough whether we're nobility and and so on so forth but this inventory

process will will reveal perhaps a different truth you may find something

different I am one of one of the things that appeared on my inventory one time

was a school teacher had really embarrassed me and the deal was and got

I hated to write this down because that man is gonna have to talk to somebody

about what happened when I was about 13 years old in the seventh grade just

starting the seventh grade yo-yos were very popular and on this big-time

operator he was playing with yo-yo at the start of English class in the

beginning of the seventh grade and I was about seven or eight I was were in the

back of the rooms and some of the guys were real good with these and I wasn't

but I was trying to become good and so we were back in the back of the room

practicing in the bell rang and I vaguely recall hearing the door closed

which means the teacher walked in and somehow out of that entire group of

13 year old boys in the back they're playing with yo-yos all of them except

me got set down and had their stuff put away and I'm still standing there I

told you I just a notch off of normal I'm not real bad but I'm just far enough

to be bad and she said mr. Hawkins would you please bring that give that yo-yo

to me in a heartbeat I tell you it really a heartbeat I thought lady if you want

this yo-yo you got it and I federal expressed that sucker to her from the

back of the room I mean in a heartbeat I went from embarrassed to absolute rage

and it was a killing rage my name was a little offer I'd accomplished my

purpose I'm at school I think you know when you write that stuff down in

inventory what you'd like to I mean you'd like to write down any kind of stuff

but that you want to go talk to your sponsor with it well I'm pissed off my

school teacher because she threw me out of class for playing with yo-yo that

isn't what I want to write down and I can give you a whole long list of crappy

looking stuff like this it's all petty but it's my truth it's my truth I'm going

to get to get rid of that truth once and for all because see today I can talk

about that and it has no hold over me whatsoever it's just a story about a

goofy little boy it just didn't have all the crackers you needed upstairs no big

deal so the book at the bottom page 65 says we went back to our lives don't

mention to you back to your life may mean one resentment maybe that's all you

have right now that's all you have that's all you have you have more some people

like they come to me and she's very there what does that mean go back to our

lives that mean do I start when I was a little kid and come forward or do I

start now and go back God I don't know I mean at 35 years old I was gonna be

locked away in a net house for the rest of my life what do I know I know what

I have had explained to me and I know what I've done it says we went back to

our lives I know who I am pissed off at today and in 1989 I was pissed off at

women so I put that down and then I got another one then I got another one and

pretty soon my list began to grow and over the course of that I watched myself

go back through my life I didn't consciously sit down and try to go

back to my life I just found myself going back to my life I believe that was

a way I was guided through this little process because as I seemed it seemed

as though I want to cleared one out of the way then I could go back a little

further to another again that doesn't make it the right way but the end result

was I found my truth out of it all and we'll get more to that later just went

back through our lives nothing counted but thrown us in honesty listen none of us

I believe are really red hot about being thorough and honest now that just

doesn't come quite naturally that I mean I want you to think I'm thorough and

honest I want to cast an image of being thorough and honest but when we're on

the front end of this the very first time that's not the way we think but let me

tell you a little secret I knew somehow way down deep inside of me as a result of

some of the prayer I'm convinced now that that's what it was then I had a

chance here to get rid of all the stuff that had been troubling me for years

and years and years and I'm not talking about big immoral crimes I mean I did an

immoral inventory to I'm the kind of a guy who has to look up the book says a

fairly interesting moral inventory ourselves what's a moral inventory

well it's what's going on inside of me that you don't know about that's what a

moral inventory and immoral inventors every time I stole something out here

every time I ran a red light who cares what you need to know is what was going

on inside of me that looks awful shabby when I lay it out here at least it looks

shabby to me but I knew that I was going to be able to get rid of this stuff

once and for all at least what I could come come to terms with now and so far

as being reminded of the spirit what do you want me to know about me and I'm

gonna do my part so I kept sitting down there writing this stuff just doing the

best I could doing the best I could following the instructions as nearly as

I could and there's a little line over on this next page the top of 66 it says

to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got and again

I'll tell you how delusional I was by the way that's the word that I will use

is delusional I hear the word denial you're in denial denial carries with it

to me a connotation that you are consciously choosing not to remember the

truth and I don't consciously choose to not remember the truth I suffer from a

delusion the delusion is that on a swell fella and you should know that I am

honest to a fault if you would have asked me 20 some odd years ago Jerry

who's the most honest guy you know if my mother is a kid I started lying to her

when I was three and a half and yet if she just said to me when I was seven or

eight son who is the most honest man that you know I'd have looked at the top of

my shoes scuffed my feet just a little and then very modestly said well me

pathological I suffer from delusions I can't get to the truth on my own on my

own I can't to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got

the usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed

sure now that's one element of psychic pain we stay sore at those folks but now

let me tell you what happens if you hang around here long enough untreated

sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore ourselves you will eventually get

sore to sell and it'll look like this what in the hell is wrong with me Jesus

what in the hell is wrong with me you'll come to a term I mean grips with that at

some point down the road that there's something terribly wrong with you and we

will be we will no longer be able to point the finger at somebody at someone

else part of our mind still wants to do that but way down in a quiet recesses of

our minds we don't we know that there's something terribly wrong with us I want

to go on down just a little bit but the alcoholic whose hope is a maintenance and

growth of a spiritual experience this business of resentment is infinitely

grave Don was talking about this early says we found that it's fatal I want to

bring to you an understanding that I've come to have as a result of walking

this way for a while I always thought fatal they meant fatal as in physically

fatal we die and I believe that eventually that's what it where we would

get to but I tell you what there's something that's even more fatal as long

as we hang on to this stuff and that is the spirit we all have experience those

of us who are real alcoholics have all experienced that moment in our time of

our life where we just began to retreat more and more and more from participation

in the world out there the world became less and less interesting to us and we

could no longer function we were in a combination of resentment and fear or

rage and terror for many of us that's where it ended up and so that's what

they're talking about we find that a resentment is infinitely fatal and it

really is because it kills the spirit and if my spirits being killed I only have

one thing that I know how to do left of my own devices and that is I want to

kill yours to you know watch yourself any of you have kids many of us here have

kids we've we've we've done our part to kill the spirit of a children

family my son was about to 12 years old and and he was and he's a kid that he's

he's a big kid physically he's big always always been big for his age and

he's always been a big spirit I mean he just he could when he was 12 years old he

could have walked in this room and within seconds you would have known that

there was a different presence in this room because that's just the way he's

always been and when he was 12 years old the start of the sixth grade I said

to him as a kind of a fun little deal I said son's first day of school sixth

grade your last year at grade school you want me to take you to school give you

right and because children love the parents he said oh God yes that was a

big deal to him and so I said to him okay well let's go and so he was running

around the house trying to get ready to go and I was beginning to lean on him a

bit because you see I had plans to get out of the house at a certain time if I

were going to take him to school and I now understand I was self-employed and I

didn't need to be at work whenever I got there whenever I got there but I'm

saying well we need to go and he's still running around the house and he's not

quite ready and I said for God's sake son what any help's going on he said I

can't find my cap I said what cap are you talking about he said my big ox

yellow and white cap and I said son if you think you're wearing that goddamn

filthy hat to school you got another thing coming out either get in the car

or you'll walk to school that's a nice way to talk to a 12 year old boy who's

really excited about getting around school isn't it I said to him if you wear

that hat by the way you need to know the history they had I gave it to him as a

gift to 12 year old boy at the beginning of that summer he worked that

whole summer we had a little farm in those days he'd wear it out the farm

worked through the wheat harvest and it just looked like he got dropped behind a

truck for about 250 miles and that's what little boys do with the caps they

just look filthy and they love them that's what boys do I said you are not

wearing that hat to school what in Christ name with a teacher think about

you sometime later in an inventory so you kill the spirit and I knew instantly

that I'd kill the spirit I know because of my own discomfort see I said to him

the biggest lie of all what will a teacher think of you what I was really

concerned with what's the teacher gonna think of me we can really create some

confusion with our twisted thinking can we and the lies that come out of our

mouth well the teacher think of you I'm not concerned about what the teacher

thinks of him concerned about only me so we're to live we have to be free of

anger the grouts in the brainstorm we're not for us our book says they may be the

dubious luxury of normal men but for alcoholics these things are poison you

know what I suppose normal people have resentment once a while but I don't

think they last very long I've talked to normal people I had a guy who was a a

contractor he used to come to me and and he was such a sweetheart because he'd

hire alcoholics to kind of help us out and old Dave came to me one day and he

said Jerry said I got to talk to you about this resentment stuff and I said

what do you mean so well I think I have resentment I said okay so he said well

you guys have them differently than I do I said what do you mean Dave when he

said I usually after I have a resentment he said you know a day to me maybe three

tops I kind of see where I was wrong and I forget about it he said I had one of

your guys working for me and he brought up an incident that happened in 1973

and this was 1996 yeah we we do look at our resentments a little differently I

believe the most important part of this inventory process is not the right

there's a mental and physical change that occurs between the third and fourth

column and without it the fourth column is a lie and meaningless anyway I was

told I could get a new mind and on this next page in a little bit it's what it

looks like and sounds like and thinks like now having said that let me show you

where I got that we've got this list now who am up whom angry with why I'm angry

and what's being affected so we turn back to this list now we understand that

holding on to this is gonna kill me I'm gonna go back to the list because it

holds the key to the future I'm prepared we are prepared to look at it from an

entirely different angle my book says look for it they had a lot a lot of fun

in the young people's group some of us hadn't looked for it and some of had

looked at it and we spent hours debating the merits of each of course it doesn't

matter it was a typo it was a printers error I'll tell you how funny we are once

the printers there was found GSO put it back where it was supposed to be cut all

kinds of hell because they changed the big book we are funny I'm prepared to

look at this list from an entirely different angle is that true I must ask

am I really wanting to look at it differently because this will change my

life we began to see