Whoo! My name is Don, I'm an Alcoholic. After Fifi's visit I've forgotten what the hell I'm doing here. Don't tell my wife about that. I've been privileged to be at a number of these kind of functions and I must tell you I have never ever been treated as warmly or as well as I have this weekend. You're just a fantastic group of people so we're probably going to have a crying talk tonight. I'm all wound up.

On the 26th of 1967, God gave me back my life as a free, clear gift and then He gave me Alcoholics Anonymous so that that gift might have some purpose and some dimension and some meaning and some joy. Because I didn't come to you all to get sober. I didn't know that's what I needed. In fact, I didn't come to you at all. You dug me out of a rat hole. I could sum up the difference in my life today very simply. There is no other place I'd rather be to not know.

There's no nights and nights here. And there are no other people that I'd rather be with than you. And there has never been born or ever will be born anyone I'd rather be than me and it just wasn't always like that. It's been a good part of my life trying to be anywhere but where I was, and I'm still not too fond of the people I ran around with. Although some of them are in this room. Every time I look to see who died, I'm just a good man. But I

down was, I found a creep. Just couldn't find anybody home worth visiting with. And that's

for I ever took a drink. Now alcohol solved that for me. I was three feet tall with a big

ward on the end of my nose and I talked funny. And I walked funny. And I thought funny. And

I took a drink of alcohol and I was six feet tall. And it was alright for me to be you

or me to be me and you to be you for a while. And I became willing immediately to pay whatever

price I had to pay to get that feeling out of each day. And alcohol is the thing that

did that for me. I made an interesting discovery of the day. One of the reasons I drank in high

school was because it made it possible for me to dance. I was not a good dancer. And I

discovered not too long ago in an A dance that the truth is, I'm not a good dancer. In fact,

I don't even like to dance. I don't know where the boss is going to take us tonight. I'm

killing time till he clicks in. I do know this. I'm here to talk to one person in this group.

That's why God sent me here. I hope the rest of you have an enjoyable time. I'm also acutely

aware of the fact that I'm dealing with life and death here in this room tonight. Not that

I'm going to save any lives, but I'm not here to talk about some scott jamboree. It's

life and death in this room. What we do here means the difference between life and death

for people. It did for me. You found me in my third penitentiary. We'll get that out of

the way early. I have to talk about penitentiaries not as a status, but because that's where I

ended up. I was not a big time gangster. Don't get that idea. I remember one of my better

burglaries. Mainly because it's the only one I can remember. I was off duty that night.

At the time, I was also a special police officer for the city of Denver. I was off duty that

night and drunk. I took the easier, softer way. I went to a place I knew was empty. Three

o'clock in the morning. I put on my black watch cap and my black pea coat and got on

my bicycle and went off to burglarize this house. And wandered around for a couple hours

in that house and left and forgot to take anything. So I wasn't out of big time gangster. At the

time I was living in a chicken coop I had converted because it was cool to do that. And I believe

today that what I was looking for in that house was whatever magic it was that made it possible

for those people to live in a house and necessary for me to live in a chicken coop. And I didn't

find it of course. Let me tell you about my last week. And then we'll talk about what

I came here to share with you. The last week of my life, Christmas week of 1967, that was

the week that Don got a chance to see Don for exactly who he was. The images were gone. The

excuses were gone. All the scripts were written and trashed. I was on federal parole

for an indiscretion I'd committed in 1966. And my two little boys whose mother had left

years before I raised two little boys in the midst of my sickness. For some ungodly reason

they were back in my care again. And we lived in a $40 a month basement apartment beneath

a lady who had cats. It was my first understanding of obsession. She had cats. And that's the week

that as I looked around I could see that her place was cleaner than mine was. And another

piece of that false image that I carried around that wrote. The Christmas tree that we had was

only an alcoholic would pick it out. Our ceiling was this high and the tree was this high. So it

kind of drooped over at the top. And we had gotten that tree for a dollar that I'd found in the

snow. And that struck me as not quite right. And under that tree I had managed to literally

con this little place out of a pair of cowboy boots and a shirt so my boys would have at least

one present. Fully intending to pay for them as soon as the welfare shed came. If you ever

turned down or patronize the merchandise smart out there on these Colfax very kind of people.

But my kids had wrapped up everything that was in the house that would wrap up in blue paper

towels so I would have a good Christmas. And that broke another piece of me. But the killer came

thank God Christmas day when the kids and I went down to my folks house so that they could spend

the day with grandma and grandpa. And my dad met us at the door and he said I'm sorry. But your

mother says I can't let you in anymore. She can't stand watching you die. For the first time in my

life I saw what I'd been doing to my mom. And a great big honking me broke. And then dad snuck

us in anyway. And I got to see clearly what I was doing to him. I'd been screaming out in my

madness that nobody cares. Well he cared. He cared enough to jeopardize his own home that day.

And snuck us in anyway. And another piece broke. And I could see clearly what my lifestyle was doing

to my kids. You know every time I got arrested so today they hadn't done anything. My boys were on

the road with me for a long time. I'm one of those nutso's that came out of Berkeley in the 60s.

Screaming where there's dope there's hope burned down city hall. And when you do that you have to

be on the move a great deal. My kids thought that hitchhacking around the United States was

a normal way of life. Until some damn fool told my older boy about a thing called school and he

wanted to go. So we stopped. And the train hit me. I ended up in a federal penitentiary. And I saw

what that had done to my kids. My dreams were dead. We all have fine dreams when we start and mine

were dead. They were never going to happen. And the dreams that my people had for me were dead.

They were never going to happen. And the dreams of my little boys had were dead. And once I got

past the self pity I made the discovery that there was no good reason for me to stay. Everybody

that I could think of would be better off if I weren't here. And that was the truth. So I took a

massive overdose of drugs and drank everything and finally down died. And was really distressed

the next morning when I woke up. The police were at the door. I had in that last week set myself up

to be arrested. I was really tired and I needed to rest. And I had learned from experience that

county jail is a magnificent place for drunks to rest. Now there are some people in this room

unfortunately tonight who aren't through drinking. So let me tell you how you survive county jail

because you'll get there. It's real easy. I lied to you for 10 minutes. You lied to me for 10

minutes and we both go take a nap. And that's it. Just remember you've got to listen to the other

guys' lies and believe them. Well they didn't come to me for that little six months in the county

jail. They had nine charges. The first of which called for three years to life in the penitentiary.

And a problem promised from the Denver district attorney that if I beat him on that one

that he was going to bring the rest of them one at a time. But I was through and I still

had the question in my mind, hey how's wrong with me? Nobody knew. Well I laid in the Denver

county jail for five months waiting for a trial and doing what you're doing in the county jail

which is kind of just hanging around lying to each other. And I can still remember that change had

taken place. Because what we talked about what we were going to do when we got out. That's what

you talk about. And it's always the same thing. We're going to get a kegabear and a little grass

and go into the mountains and we've earned this one. And I was still saying that but I can still

remember that isn't what I wanted anymore. I didn't want to do that anymore and I did not know that

it was possible for me to not do that. And I've got to tell you about the power of God as I understand

him because God entered into my life before I knew his name. I met the basic requirement for recovery

and alcoholics anonymous in my own sick way. I had surrendered. I had said within myself

I would rather die than live one more day this way. And that's the beginnings. I can't do it anymore.

I don't even want to try. I thought I was tired. Well the Denver District Attorney and the Federal

Authorities who owned a piece of me got together and decided that I was really sick. That's what

they told me. And that if I would plead guilty to a reduced charge they'd give me back to the

federal people and they could take me to Fort Worth Texas to a federal hospital down there and

fix me. Now I'd been healing for five months and an alcoholic ego can go from death to reasonably

good health in about a half hour. And my answer to them was based on two factors and there's always

at least two of me at work in here. At least two. I had occasion to haul back to work with a

genuine schizophrenic and the poor guy was an amateur. These two guys got together and one side

of me was wanting to go anywhere anybody said and do anything anybody said as long as they didn't

ever have to be me ever again. And the other side of me knew that if you put me in a hospital

with doctors and books I'll be on the street in six months. Because God bless them their job

is to tell me what's wrong with me and about how long it's going to take to fix that.

And then he would tell me all of the symptoms I needed to present to convince everybody I was

getting well. And I've done that since I was a little bitty kid. I'm awfully good at that game.

I'd have been out. Well I said yes. My mother raised a drunk and not a dummy. Six months

in a federal hospital beats the hell out of life in the penitentiary. And they kept their bargain.

They reduced my charge, gave me back to the feds and five days later I was in the Colorado

state penitentiary saying things like wait a minute you can't do this to me. I didn't sign

up for this summer camp. And he just by the grace of a very loving God that that happened to me.

I'd be dead today if I'd have gone to that federal hospital because we'd have treated

the wrong problem. In our third week in the fish tank I'm laying there waiting for somebody

to tell me what the hell to do. You know when you think about surrender that's what it's about.

It's real simple. I look at it in terms of an army. When an army surrenders it means you've met

a force over which you have no more power so you lay down all your fighting tools and sit by

the side of the road until somebody comes along and tells you where to go. And I'd lay down

all my fighting tools and I was laying around here waiting for somebody to tell me what to do.

And it's gone it hollered out all you new guys come downstairs and listen. And I didn't know any

better so I listened. They had three guys with numbers on their chests. And the first guy said my

name's Doc and I'm an alcoholic and that means that I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs and

guards and all of the other circumstances of my life and my life's become unmanageable. And if any

you smart bastards think you can still manage your lives look at the reward the state just gave you

for the nifty job you've been doing. And I think the great miracle of my life is that I heard

Doc. I don't remember a whole lot else about what they said that day except they did a remarkable

thing. They invited all of us the day that we got out of fish tank and in the main population

to come to their 12 step study school. They said you guys aren't doing too good.

Your best thinking brought you to the penitentiary. That's not doing too good. And they told us that

if we were alcoholic we didn't ever have to drink again ever. And we didn't have to hurt like we'd

been hurting ever again that they had a way that they could show us that would change our lives.

I came here to be changed. So and I hadn't been invited anywhere in a long time anyway.

So I went to their silly school. Now that meant we had to give up our yard privileges

and our movie. And that's all we had. They held those at the same time as a 12 step study school

and a little sacrifice involved here. So my friend Jim and I we went to their school

and I discovered sponsorship. They sat us down and said now you new guys for the next five weeks

you have nothing to say. If you knew anything at all you wouldn't be here. The hell is that kind of

say and I will be forever grateful because they did the thing for me that needed to be done.

Since I was little I've been asking what's wrong with me because I don't fit.

I think funny. I feel funny. I make mistakes. I can't get what I'm supposed to be on time.

What's wrong with me? Why when I have all these high ideals do I keep ending up in a gutter?

And you told me exactly why and they told it in a way that I could understand it.

I was in my first federal penitentiary when I was 19 because when I drank I can't find my way home.

And there's a federal law against getting lost when you're in the Navy. I had joined the Navy to

save America from the communist menace and come home a hero. Oh I needed to be a hero when I was 17

awfully bad. And they kept giving me a 24 hour liberty expecting me to come back.

And I went ashore fully expecting to come back because I loved the Navy. I really did.

I got a 17 wars exciting. Looks pretty dumb from where I'm at today but it was exciting then.

And I was drinking with the big guys. And I was on a ship when I was a radarman and it was exciting.

And there are very few experiences in my life today that match standing on the bridge of a ship

at night and watching the sea turn over and listening to the planet breathe. And I loved it.

But I'd go ashore and I couldn't get back on time. I start to drink. That's what you did.

And I'd be three minutes or ten minutes or an hour and a half or a day or two.

One time was 23 days and they were really mad. See when I went home to Long Beach they moved home

to Korea. And I was in trouble. You told me why that happened to me. That happened to me because I

have an allergy. I'm allergic to alcohol. And the symptom of my allergy if I were allergic to tomatoes

and I ate tomatoes I'd break out with a rash and itch. The demonstration of my allergy is that

when I put alcohol in my body I'd break out with a scream and meet me hitch for more alcohol.

And I do not have any choice in the matter. Once I take the first drink I've lost the power of choice.

My body changes and my mind changes and I become consumed with an aid for another drink.

And that must go on until whatever causes that doesn't cause it anymore.

And I will always love you. Everybody was always able to tell me why does that happen.

I come to you and you say it happens and we don't have the slightest idea why. We just know it happens.

On day 22 I was in Pershing Square in Los Angeles.

Mooching drinks and quarters and meals and whatever I had to do. I could not go home.

On day 23 the madness was not there. And I turned myself into the place like any other rational

human being and went back to face the consequences of my act. And that's why that happened.

And I came to understand that it only happens to alcoholics. It doesn't happen to anybody else.

And it happens to alcoholics every single time they take a drink. And they let me get just

comfortable enough with that to be a little comfortable and then they hit me with a zinger.

They said it's academic. If you never take a drink it'll never happen again.

The main problem with me centers in my mind. I've got a mind that for whatever reason and you don't

know that either can't seem to remember that that's what's going to happen next time.

There's a peace missing. My neighbor has that peace. My neighbor owns a barn and didn't drink.

And I was curious about that and got talking with him one day. Seems he did once. He drank

and puked and quit. He didn't like what happened to him so he didn't do it anymore.

He's able to learn from his experience. When it comes to alcohol I'm not.

I could give you a two hour list of the reasons I drank and every one of them would be true.

I drank to feel good. I drank to stop feeling bad. I drank to be taller, shorter.

I drank to be noticed. I drank to be invisible. But the horror of my life as an alcoholic is that

most of the time I drank for no damn good reason at all. I'm obsessed with alcohol. I learned later

I'm obsessed with me. Somewhere along the way I got the silly idea that I'm supposed to feel good

all the time. I spent my whole life trying to do that. Well I'll tell you something. I'm 52 years

old now. We're not really the state made me 17 when they locked me up so I'm younger than that.

But on my best day when I'm feeling my best my feet still hurt. So I'm never going to feel good

all the time. Alcohol helped me to feel good to stop from feeling bad. It changed me and that's why

I used it. It changed me. I've got a peace missing. I am convinced in my heart to this day.

Almost 19 years sober that there will still come a day when all of the information stored in my head

won't show up and keep me from taking a drink. So I'm powerless. I've got a body that will go mad

if I give it alcohol and a mind that says let's have a drink. That's as powerless as I'm going to

get. I've been afraid of my mind for a long time. In fact I went to my sponsor one time and said Bruce

I'm terrified of this mind of mine. He says you have good reason to be. We don't trust a doubt by

itself anymore. I had an occasion several years ago that brought that home to me. I've believed

it since you told me. But God gives me experiences that make sure that it's nailed down tight. I was

working in an agency that got jobs for ex-cons and I was wearing a coat and tie. We were having

lunch at Leos in Denver with some businessman. Really impressive stuff for a guy like me.

One of the fellows had discovered a new liqueur. Now I never heard of liqueur.

It's green stuff and they put it into this funny looking little glass and there isn't enough in

there to do anybody any good. But he was letting everybody taste it because it was new and all of

my defenses came up. I'm not going to taste that and I know that. Everything that I learned here was

there. When it came my turn I thought in courtesy I'd at least sniff it and as I was sniffing it

it burst into my head that the difference between life and death for me would be the twitch of a

muscle. And it was that easy and then I watched God move my hand right on off and I don't sniff

anymore. I'm fully aware that my life is in that delicate balance and I can't learn enough about

alcoholics and monomers. I can't learn enough about alcoholism or life to keep that from happening.

I'm powerless over that. So I don't trust me to do it. I didn't turn my life over to the care

of God because it was a neat thing to do. There wasn't anything else to do. Then we had to deal with

insanity. And this was a problem for me because at the time I was certified by the state of Colorado

as a sociopath type two. And the federal government had me certified as a psychopath.

And the reason I was in that penitentiary was because they are both untreatable in the hospital

and want me. They're untreatable because one of those kinds of people doesn't know the difference

between right and wrong. The other one knows and just doesn't give a damn. And I was both. And then

you come along and with the good news that I now have a third terminal untreatable disease.

I was terrified because in 18 months they were going to let me out. I wasn't the least bit afraid

of being in there. I knew how to live in there. They were going to let me out. And I knew from past

experience there was nothing in that penitentiary that was going to change me. Working in the

dishroom certainly wouldn't do that. Well, you took my concerns away from me. My sponsor said,

Don, we don't think you're a sociopath or a psychopath. We think you're a good actor.

I used that. I learned when I was very young, a thing that some of my Indian ancestors knew.

If you want to keep people away, just be a little bit nuts.

Put me in a crisis and I go,

and all but the stoutest of hearts disappeared.

They told me what's wrong with me is that I suffer from alcoholic insanity,

which is defined a couple of ways in our big book. The idea that somehow, someday,

I'm going to beat the game. It's going to be different next time.

But the working definition for me came in the story of the young car salesman named Jim,

who a couple of angry one morning because he was now working for the company he used to own.

He'd been drunk a number of times and 12 step was now in the program, but he'd failed in

largest spiritual life. He just kind of showed up at meetings.

And he had a few words with his boss and went off down the road and he stopped at a bar to have

lunch and to find a customer for a car. He'd done this many times over. And after lunch,

somebody inside there said, Jim, on a full stomach, we can have a drink of whiskey if we pour it in

our milk. And that sounded like a good idea to him, so he did it. And it was so successful.

And he didn't go instantly crazy and tear the restaurant up that he had another.

And that didn't do anything bad, so he had another. And he ended up back in a sanitarium.

And the book says that whatever the precise definition may be, we call that plain insanity.

How can such lack of proportion and the ability to think straight be anything else?

That's what's wrong with me. I lack proportion and I lack the ability to think straight.

I love everything about alcoholics and onums, but one thing.

If I could, I would go to every place I've ever seen it and tear down the sign on the wall that

says, think, think, think. Because I'm rubber-minded. My sponsor told me, Don, the truth,

isn't even going to work for you. Because I put the truth in here and my ego catches it and

said, oh, we can use that later. And by the time I get around to using it, it's warped.

So they gave me the key to freedom. They said, Don, we suggest that you forget everything you

think you know about anything, particularly spiritual matters. Because if anything that you

thought you knew had worked, you wouldn't be here. And they said, if you ever have learned

anything in your life, it'll still be the truth when we're all through with you.

But for now, forget it. And by some form of God's grace, I was able to do that for a time.

In fact, this day, if I'm willing to argue with you and fight with you,

it's my opinion. And I know it and it's warped. I never have to fight for the truth. The truth

just kind of stands there and is the truth. But I do love a good battle. My sponsors had some things

I wanted. I'm a very practical person. And there were a number of things they had. First of all,

Bruce was in that penitentiary for the rest of his natural life for a double murder he'd committed

one morning on the streets of Denver, when he was 17 years old. He described that day. He'd

wake him that morning knowing that nobody cared whether he lived or died. That's how I felt. And

that's very painful. And so he took his medicine, started ranking to kill the pain and that day

it didn't work. It aggravated the pain. And he ended up going downtown and raging killing some

people. Now, to the best of my knowledge, I've never done that. But I have wakened knowing nobody

cared whether he lived or died. And the medicine didn't work. And I did my own bizarre stuff.

But Bruce was incapable of doing that act. And I knew that. I'm not blind. He couldn't kill people

anymore. And I asked him about it. And he said, yes, I've been changed. That's why I'm here. I

can't be changed. My sponsor, Phil, was the most gentle human being I've ever met to this day.

Now, Phil was in that penitentiary because when he was 17 years old and lived on Guam,

he did what Phil did. And they said, either leave or we're going to lock you up. And several years

later in Colorado, the state of Colorado said, you either go back to Guam or we're going to lock

you up and Guam wouldn't have him. He had been there seven years sober. And I was his first

person he'd ever sponsored. Now, what Phil did when Phil got drunk was throw things out of

windows. And quite often it was people. And this last time it was three stories up.

Now, Phil and his quiet way looked at me and he said, Don, you will stay sober.

And I lived on the fourth tier up. He said, I'm not losing my first one. Phil taught me to touch

in an environment where physically touching is very deadly. But he taught me to touch.

Now, I've never met a human being that loved his family anymore than Phil Gutierrez did.

But he would tell me, I don't do this for them. I do this for me. Because if I don't, they don't

have anything. And I learned how the most selfless activity in the world is to be done for me.

Now, that's just contradictory enough that my sick mind can grasp that.

Well, Bruce had something else I wanted to. They let Bruce in and out of his cell anytime he

wanted. And the reason I knew that is because when I was locked up, he used to wander by and stop

and talk to me. And I've been locked up enough to know that that's the job you want to get,

the one who lets you in and out whenever you want. It wasn't until later I found out he did that.

Bruce was 12 step in the guys who couldn't get out. In our prison, they knew that over 75% of

the people in there were there as a direct result of alcohol. And they believed in alcoholics

anonymous. Because people from the outside for many years had been coming in and were respectable

and got results. And they trusted alcoholics anonymous. Now, I decided I wanted what they had.

So they told me God had done it and I figured, all right, what the hell?

If that's who you say it is, I really didn't care. I knew that I could have an entire psychic

change, you said. And I'd read enough to know that this left exciting. So I went back to my cell

and took my third step and had the worst experience of my entire life. I'm alcoholic. And if it goes

boom and shakes the room, I can handle it. All the way from federal agents breaking down

a house to God talking in visions. And I've had visions. What I can't handle is what happened

that day. I said the prayer waited for my flash of light and absolutely nothing happened.

And I can't deal with that. I might as well not have said it. Well, I'd learn by then that if

your sponsor suggests that you do something and you do it and you don't get the results you

think you ought to be getting, go bitch at him. I did. His response to me was dummy.

They gave me back my name. I'd been a number and they gave me a name, dummy. You ought to be

grateful you didn't have a flash of light. They nearly killed you all in life. And he was right.

I've had some beauties. In case anybody's thinking about visions, they will work. I had the privilege

of eating peyote with the Indians one time in an Easter ceremony. Very real thing. Had a real

vision. Saw a great huge bird flying with no head on it and understood that that was me in my life,

flying high going nowhere. And for four months living in the north woods of California,

I stayed sober and clean. And then I got back to San Francisco and lost it. So if you're considering

visions, they will work. They're good for four months of sobriety. But I'm here for the long haul.

I didn't come here for any more short term fixes. Whatever it is that we're doing here

must last me the rest of my life. It must. So we talked. Bruce took a couple hours out of his life.

Very precious time and gave them to me as he shared with me how God had come to him

in a gentle slow way. And the gentleness of him convinced me that that's what God was about.

Here were three examples in front of me of killers and stick up men and throwers out of windows

who were gentle men. And they said God did that for them. So I figured it must be a gentle God then.

And I asked him in all earnestness, Bruce, how do I make this deal real? He said, well,

Don God will reveal himself to you as you reveal yourself to you. And I was sent off to take an

inventory of myself. I didn't bother with the book. Two hours later when I'd finished it and

came back to fist step it. This same patient man looked at my inventory and he said, that's garbage.

You wrote that to impress me. Get away. Just blew my head away. I mean, I had written down some

of the most bizarre things I'd ever done and he's telling me that's garbage. Well, I did what any

good alcoholic does. I wasn't found a guy that would listen to it. And I had one of those spiritual

awakenings. I'd tell him one of these things I had done and he would say it wasn't that bad.

And it was that bad. I was not a nice person. And after a while I awakened to the fact.

That once again I had found somebody who would tell me what I wanted to hear so I could just

keep on doing what I wanted to do. And if I didn't stop that immediately I was going to die a very

ugly death. Now then as now death really doesn't bother me that much. I'm not afraid of it. I'm

not eager for the process of dying. But I've died three times that I can recall. But an ugly death

has meaning to me. It means that for some period of time before I die I must live a very ugly life

and I can't stand the thought of that. So I went back and reviewed where I was at.

And we talked some more about this God business. And I had one last reservation. You'd think I'd

have been ready. But I had me a reservation that was a humdinger. You told me there was good news.

God had worked for me to do and I knew that wasn't good news at all because I knew who it was.

If I really gave my life over the care of God I'd end up on a corner of Colfax and Broadway in Denver

handing out watchtower magazines and asking strangers if they'd been saved. And at that time

I just couldn't see me doing that. So my sponsor took some more time with me. And he said the magic

words. If you're new and your sponsor uses these words you're in trouble. He said let's talk about

that. Which meant Don listens. Bruce talks. He said Don do you suppose that that fellow that's

doing that, Don on Colfax and Broadway today had breakfast where he wanted to? And I said yeah

I said well you didn't. He said do you suppose that guy that's handing out watchtower magazines

picked out the clothes he's wearing to do that in? And I said probably he says you didn't.

Do you suppose when he's all through asking these perfect strangers if they've been saved

that he gets to go home? And I knew who it was next because I didn't. And through this gentle process

of beating my ego out again he brought me to the place where I stand before you tonight. And that's

very simple. My program is based on the simple fact that anything at all that God has in mind for

me is better than anything at all that I may have in mind for me. Period. And with that I went back

to work. And I got a big book out and started doing what it said. Damn this process I've ever

seen. I found out that the purpose of the inventory was not for me to find out who I was.

I knew who I was and killed him. It was to help me find out who I was and

that I was going to find out all the things that stood between me and God

and between me and you. And all I had to do to start that process was make a list of the people I was

mad at and God that was easy. If I knew you I didn't like you.

And that I was to put down the reasons that I was mad at you. And that was easy too. That's

what I thought about 24 hours a day. That was to put down what that was doing to my life.

And it was a mess. Let me tell you about one of them because it changed my life. In 1966 federal

agents broke down my house. That's how they come. Unannounced and violently. One through the front door

one through the back door and one through the side window. Knocked me to the ground,

handcuffed me and were just mildly abusing me. They're not so tough. My little four-year-old

let out a shriek and his big cop sworn he's gone around to his head and almost shot him just

as a reflex action and I hated him. And I nursed that hate all through that federal penitentiary

and after I got out. Well he was on my list. I guarantee you I was mad at him. I had 22 reasons

I was mad at him. One lousy arrest. 22 reason. He'd made a criminal out of me to start with.

You're not a criminal to your cop. Et cetera, et cetera. My self-esteem was shot. My sex life was gone.

My personal relations, et cetera, et cetera. And I tried very hard to take the attitude

our big book suggests to get rid of this. That this person like myself was perhaps

spiritually sick and I agreed with that and I still hated him. Then I made a big mistake. I

read the directions out of the big book and didn't think. I just did what it said.

It said I was to set aside your arms he may have done and resolutely looked from my own mistakes

and it burst on me again. I'd invited this clown into my house. I'd been smuggling marijuana out of

Mexico in rather large amounts and not paying the tax on it and that made me fair a game for him

and anybody like him. I was his business and I recognized that everything that happened that

day was my fault including my son almost getting killed. Now I'm very careful before I take new

people into inventory. There's no way I could have lived with that knowledge had it not already been

that I had a sense of the presence of God and that I had grasped the great promise of

Alcoholics Anonymous and that was that whatever caused me to do that would be removed and I didn't

ever have to do that again. I couldn't have lived with it if I didn't know I don't have to do that

again and I came to that belief because of you. I believed God could do that because he had done

it for you but more importantly you said you would accept me as I was where I was at the very

beginning and I knew you were flawed and if you could do that then this God could certainly do

that so I had that sense of it and I just kind of went on from there. I learned about fear.

I thought fear lived down here in my tummy because that's where I felt it and I liked it.

You know, talking about lack of proportion, fears for children give me a good dose of

stark terror anytime really makes you feel alive and useful and quick.

But I learned about the kind of fear that will kill me. I've just gotten up again and I think that's

the worst damage I ever did to the people who loved me every time I got knocked down I got up again

better out of staying down but I've just gotten up again and I got a new job and everything's gonna

be okay except that I forgot to set the alarm and I wake up 10 minutes late and it starts.

I'm gonna get caught in traffic and I'm gonna be 20 minutes late and I'm gonna walk in and my

new boss is gonna say where have you been and I'm not gonna like the way he says it and I'm gonna

say what do you care and he's gonna say well I care plenty I pay your salary and I'm gonna say no

you don't I quit so I don't even go to bed. I'm paralyzed and I start to drink at that son of a

bitch and the one he treated me. The kind of fear that has caused me to walk six blocks around

a little dog in the dark he went yep yep and within two steps it went

it's a bullmastiff in the next bush and God put it on the planet to eat me

so I walked six blocks around it kind of fear that kept me from ever engaging in anything real

with people because I knew when you said hello I'd say something dumb and are we ever blessed here

we live in a world filled with a variety of sick people and they all have to learn to cope with fear

all the other techniques I've ever seen teach us how to cope with fear oh my cope were broke a long

time ago the word cope in my dictionary which my sponsors made a second bible means to fight

the good fight hell I'm all out of fight all I have to do in the fear situation this kind of fear

is admit of God and ask myself why I've got it and admit the fact that the fear is there because I

know beyond a shadow of a doubt I don't have the personal resources to deal with it I've known since

I was little I don't have what it takes all by myself I just don't and it leaves me frightened

because I know every now and then I'm going to accidentally do something right

you're going to want me to repeat it the next day and I don't even know I did it the first time

and what is our solution it's one filled with mercy it says all I need to do is ask God to remove the

fear from me and direct my attention to what he wants me to be what an incredible discovery it was

to find out that I am not what I do I'm not the job I have and I'm not the car I drive and I'm not

the clothes I wear I'm not what I do and so I can set all those phony images aside and when God's

helped direct my attention to what he wants me to be and that's scary you know what it says in the

big book he wants us to be spearheads of his ever advancing creation damn that's heavy duty

stuff for a drunk spearheads of his ever advanced right out in front which is where I like to be

anyway he wants me to be a demonstration of his great love and his power and his way of life

he wants me to be an example of what he can do man that's good stuff I came out of Berkeley that

way because I never had been one who can quietly get up in the morning go to work I've got to have a

cause well we've got one it's life and death I've been testing that fear prayer for a long time

and it's never failed me please remove from me this fear and direct my attention to what you would

have me be see in the third step I gave up my ambition whatever he wants me to be that's what

I'll be whatever he's got in mind is better than what I had in mind so when I get to having

ambitions personal ambitions I know automatically I'm off track here and the terror of that is

that if I get off track on a spiritual path and start getting selfish I get what I want

and I usually find myself in deep trouble because I don't know how to handle it I've learned some

tough lessons praying for the things I want and getting them I just didn't pray for what he was

for me that's good enough well I was two and a half years before I could take a sex inventory

I couldn't remember in addition to a lot of booze I did a lot of acid and wine mining haters and

amphetamines and uh man I don't mess you up when I finally took it it fit on the back of the three

but five card I was not super stud my whole sex life except for those two kids was up here

but a marvelous thing happened in that two year two and a half years I had been healed

then I could look at it honestly well I took that thing and I wasn't going back to that sponsor

and risking him telling me that's garbage too so I went with my friend Jim who was in the program

the same length of time I had been and he spent a whole afternoon with me sharing with me and I

picked Jim for a couple reasons you said find somebody who won't be overly affected and Jim was

the crazy nothing I could have said with the bothered him but I had a new sense of something

with Jim I was a loner but I wanted things to be okay for Jim see I wasn't that penitentiary for

a crime I could remember I'd committed it Jim was the first one in Colorado convicted under our new

drunk driving law he'd killed somebody driving his automobile drunk in a blackout

they told him why he was there but Jim had no memory of it he didn't know why he was there he

was a little baffled and I wanted to be better for Jim and somewhere I picked up what you taught

me the best way for me to make life better for another drunk is to share the garbage of my life

with him not the neat stuff garbage so I shared my garbage with Jim that day and he listened he

didn't talk back to me I tell me it wasn't that bad because we weren't dealing with what was

good and bad we were dealing with what's wrong with me and he only talked enough to

keep me moving and two marvelous things that happened that day I can tell you about them today I

experienced things today in understanding 68 weeks later but something changed that day I stopped

being a sprinter in the game of life I had finally finished something to the best of my ability

and I stopped being alone because I went into the room with the fella I needed

and somewhere that afternoon we ended up with two people me and a fellow named Jim

you see up till that point I'd been alone because it was me and whoever I needed you to be none of

you were ever real and that day Jim was there with me and I've never been a long since

I wish I had time to tell you the rest of the story about Jim it's magnificent maybe over the

coffee tables we can share that then I entered my evangelistic stage

I went back to myself and reviewed it and realized I had a lifetime of work to do but I

was done and asked God to remove this stuff but don't let the stuff I haven't found yet get me

before I find it and I'm still here and I found some more last week shabby stuff now

rape and murder that status I yelled at a kid a couple weeks ago and I asked myself why did I do

that first of all it's dumb and every who had kids know it's a minute you yelled at them you've

lost and it's not necessary for me to yell at children but I do when they threaten me and I found

that drives my little girls nuts because the minute I make that mistake I go do some inventory

and praying and talking to my sponsor and they can't push that button anymore the eighth and ninth step

alcoholics anonymous are the most blessed thing I've ever encountered I know God forgave me from

the beginning of time but I am so constituted that I must pay for my ticket I must do that

and we're told that that's also a must if I don't do that I'll probably die they wouldn't let me out

to make amends and they wouldn't let you in so I had to learn to write letters to some people

I'd owed one place a dollar and fifty cents for Christmas tree lights we got on credit that same

day I made ten cents a day I had to buy all my persons out of that and I had to write this guy

a letter telling who I was where I was and what I'd done to him and would he take a quarter

a month until I could pay it off and for a big time hootman that's demeaning it he said yes

the most important amends in my life were to my family

I get frustrated standing here because I've been walking hand in hand with God for

18 some years and that means each day has been filled with marvelous experiences and miracles

and I want to tell you about them all we're gonna have to just get together but I do need

to share with you the things that I found about my family my sponsor sent me to myself and said

the key to freedom is willingness and he said here's what I want you to do make a list of all the

people you've harmed start with a list of people that hurt you the most and then he said for you

non just add anybody can think of because if you met him you messed with him he said you know you

will find what you did to some of these people you know what you did to some of them but he said

you're so insensitive that you have no idea what it did to them so here's what he had me do he said

I want you to make the list and then picture each one of them separately and see if you can feel

wanting to look them right in the eye and say to each one of them I've been wrong I harmed you

would you please tell me what I have to do so we can get the books to balance and I started

going over my list that night and I was lifted and set free locked away for the night I was

literally lifted and set free because I'll look anybody in the eye and say that if I hurt you

you tell me what I have to do and that was so important in making amends to my family

you see I couldn't go back to my mother and just say geez mom I wish I hadn't done that

what you do after you ask what do I have to do is shut up while I tell you

and after I'd been out for a while my mother allowed me to come by the house

and I didn't say it in exactly those words but I found a way to ask her and I have become an

alcoholics anonymous a listener she said honey all I've ever wondered for you is for you to be

happy so on a regular basis I go by my mother's house happy that's it she told me it was six years

before she thought I was really gonna make it I wasn't going by to convince her of anything

my father's an incredible human being he used to make me crazy they haven't been able to measure

his IQ yet he's brilliant lives in a 48 room house full of stuff then it's a reflection of his

mind he's an electronics engineer and a consultant and a genius and I don't know what all he can do

he told me one day in the driveway he said Don I spent 60 years accumulating all this stuff and

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life giving it away and I heard what he really said he wasn't

talking about the stuff in the garage he's talking about this so I go by and visit with my bed quite

often which means I listen well he talks about all the things that he's discovering his life and

every now and I even understand it he gave me one the other day I'll give you because it's a gem

he said I'm 75 now and I finally learned there's really only two things a person needs to live a good

life honor and wisdom you say you got to have enough honor to keep every promise you ever make

no matter what the personal consequences enough wisdom not to make too many promises like that

I'm just about out of time and it just frustrates me beyond belief because it finally reached

the place where I may have something important to say but if you'll indulge me another five

minutes or so I'll be brief because there's some really important things I need to share with you

the nine years ago I met a sane lady I'd never met one I'd never even look for one

I didn't even know they were out there I had enough smarts to say yes

to move in with her and her two little girls and it much as I love this lady I've already raised

seven kids I've been after Dan Byrne for a long time and I thought I'd done my fair share

and I really wasn't sure I wanted to do that I worked in the penitentiary now I lived at the base

of Mount Princeton at 14,000 foot peak in the high country of Colorado worked six hours a day had

those two long-haired kids of mine who are now teenagers I worked six hours a day and went fishing

I felt like it we loved it I went into Denver once a week for my home group and I loved it and I

didn't want to give it up but I did and I'm so glad I did that you taught me about being in a

family you taught me how to recover through the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous and how to live

as a family through the 12 traditions and we apply that in my home that's how we live

and these little girls are something once 15 once 13 now and they send their love to you

particularly the little one she loves you dearly you see when I go out of the house she's a little

nervous her daddy's a Denver detective and he has some bizarre need to tell them what he does

for living so when I leave at night they're a little frightened and when I'm gone over the

weekends they're a little frightened and I'm gone a lot because you asked me to work for you

and she'll ask me where are you going dad and I say honey I'm going to alcoholics anonymous

and I watch her relax because she knows if I'm here with you doing God's work he's watching my

house for me I've told her that she believes that

she'd have been with us today we came home found out we've been birthed our eyes

we asked burglars don't like that my older girl says my god what am I gonna tell the kids

in school I've been telling them god watches our house and because of what I know here I was

able to say to her honey he did we weren't here all I got was our stuff we didn't hurt

we're gonna have a garage sale anyway you have given me some of the greatest joy in my life I was

absolutely useless and that was a fact and you've trusted me with some jobs that are incredibly

important to alcoholics anonymous you let me have the key to the meeting room one time

probably the most important job in AA the guy with the key doesn't show up how are we gonna have

a meeting you allowed me to make coffee and I make awful coffee I've only held that job once

I caught a bad case of GSR a while back my sponsor had something I wanted and I found out he was

in service and it filled the last piece of me the piece that was missing I not only owe my life

to the next person that walks in the door I owe my life and dedicate my life to the person who

comes through the door when I'm dead and gone 50 years from now this thing must still be here if

if it's so choose if God so chooses it must be here so I have a stewardship I'm a caretaker

I'm currently serving you as trustee at large on your general service board

which just absolutely blows me away I finally work my way to the bottom

in our structure that's where it is I can't do a damn thing unless you ask me to

the marvelous but as a result of that I'm gone a lot and I worry about my kids

well my daughter my young daughter a few months ago had occasion to write a theme about her dad

and she picked me she wrote eight pages of some of the neatest stuff I've ever written I mean I was

glad to know me that day but her final paragraph rocked me where I lived she said if I'd had any

choice I'd have picked on for my dad but I didn't have any choice so God picked him and brought him

to me and I wondered at the emotion that I felt why I felt so deeply about that until I understood

that's how I feel about you but I had any choice at all I'd have picked you but I didn't have any

choice so God picked you and brought you to me and you have made my life worth something

it no longer is any question in my mind that I don't belong here I belong here I came to you

willing eager to die and because of what I have learned and experienced here I'm willing to live

just as long as he wants whether my feet hurt or not I'm also willing if it should be his will

when I leave this room tonight that this is it I go with a full heart there's nothing more I could

do and yet on the airplane up here I had made a list of 22 things I want to do in the next couple

months next Friday on your behalf I'm going to Guatemala alcoholics anonymous is alive and well

in 114 countries and 27 of them are sending delegates to Guatemala next week so we can all share

experience on how better to carry this message anywhere it seems that we translate real good

this message is understood by people of all cultures and all mindsets and they're getting well

all over the world and I get to go sit in the middle of that I couldn't earn it couldn't have planned it

I'll guarantee you from reading the newspapers the last place I'd pick to go next week is Guatemala

but on your behalf I'm going and I sincerely hope when I come back that somebody will ask me to

tell you about it because I know it's gonna happen to me I'm gonna come back just as I am now

unable to keep my big mouth shut I must tell you about it let's spend some time at the tables

because I'm not through yet I want to hear you and I have a number of things I'd like to share

with you in love but I'm all done for tonight I want to give you a gift it's my personal gift

came to me as I came out of meditation one time my meditations are simple they have to be

I go to a garden with my father I just kind of sit there and he walks with me he talks with me he

tells me on his own and I used to take my burdens into the garden with me and I've earned not to

do that I leave them outside the garden I just go in and generally when I come back out I've either

got enough sense to just let them lay or I have the strength to pick them up I'm going to do

something about them and as I came out one day I didn't have anything left to carry and this thing

burst on me I had become everybody I had ever met or ever read about or seen in a movie

and I was gonna have to spend the rest of my life sorting that out I'd already failed to do that

and you told me no that didn't how we do it here what we do is kind of like the fellow who had seen

the Statue of David but Michelangelo for the first time I don't know if you've seen it but it breathes

and he was awestruck when he went to Michelangelo and he said how in the world did you do that

Michelangelo said well I took a block of marble and I chipped away everything it didn't look like

David and that's what I got and that's how I see Alcoholics Anonymous with God as the sculptor

and all the funny little things we do here as the chisel and with me as a very willing block of

stone one day at a time we're shaping away everything that doesn't look like none and so far this is

what we've got thank you very much