and take me a minute or two. My name is Don and I'm an alcoholic in the drug addict, and I woke up with

Lauren Jydis this morning, so I don't know whether it's the cigarettes or my prayers, but

if God's with us, we'll get a message out tonight. I think it's pretty neat to be invited

back the second time to someplace I've been before. That's new. I never happened in my

life. And I have a great fondness for the people that do. A great fondness. I'm here

for only one reason. I want to try to give back to you a little part of what you gave

me. When we pick this thing up, the first time I've seen one of these, and Jim says,

if you're not good, that's what you get. You people saved my life. You introduced me to

something so miraculous that I don't know how it was contained in one book or in the

hearts of people. You gave me this and let me describe to you how I feel. There is

no place in God's entire universe that I would rather be than right here, right now.

There are no people in God's entire universe that I'd rather be with than you people,

right now. And there is no other human being on a face of God's earth that I'd rather be

than me. And that's miraculous because I'm a person who never felt he belonged anywhere,

a misfit, an alien. I've been doing a lot of digging into myself again lately, and this

alienation is something. You know, that's really what causes our problems, separation. Somewhere

along the line I got the idea that I was different. I was afraid of things. My buddies said they

weren't, and I didn't think I could win all the time, and yet people kept saying, you can.

And somewhere down the line, I don't count my first drop. When I was 11 we got into some

homemade brew. My God, I got sick. And when I was 15, I got on my second run. And it's

very easy to tell you my drunk along, because I behaved the same way every time I drank.

I tried to drink a fifth that night. That's all we had, and I tried to drink it all. And

God, I got sick. And until I was 34 years old, that's how I behaved. I tried to do everything,

and I got sick. And I got sicker. I'm a runner. You know, when I get scared, I don't stand

pat very good. I run. Now, y'all know what I mean by scared. I set that little gnawing

inside. It tells you beyond the shadow of a doubt. Whatever you say or do next, it's

going to be wrong. No matter what happens, it's going to be wrong. And you know that. Doctors

treat you for paranoia. But I wasn't paranoid. I knew the world was out to get me. And I kept

proving it. I kept putting myself in the situations where people had to harm me. Still

talks about that in our book. And the harder I tried, the worse it got. And I just then

discovered chemicals. You know what they did for me? I didn't feel afraid. I didn't feel

that I was going to do something wrong. If I drank vodka, I was one rough tough son of

a gun. Now, I've got some scars on my body that prove the fallacy of that. When I drank

vodka, I fall down a lot. I don't duck very good. When I drank rum, I was the world's

greatest lover. Oh, yeah? No, I didn't get along too well with the girls because I'm

also very sloppy on the road. I don't like that. But I began to develop what was going

to be a pattern for my life. I didn't care what reality was. This is how I felt about

it. And that's what counted. For a while, it would make me fit. Now, I began around to

run around with the kind of people that I was. I began to lose interest in things. And I began

to be more frightened when I was done than when I started. And I was in high school and

I belonged to a loose-knit group of six guys who didn't belong anywhere either. Six missed

bets. What a team we were. Our major activity in our junior year on was to get in the car,

get all the beer in the car we could drink for that night and cruise up and down the Colfax

looking for girls. One night we found something. And I didn't know what to do. True, I'll never

forget that. You see, as a phony, I tried to learn the rules of life. And if I was with

you because I didn't have any resources, well, I don't want to learn your rules. And if I

was with him, I learned his rules. And if I was him, I learned his rules, what he expected.

Well, hell broke loose. If all three of you got in the same room at the same time, I didn't

know what to do. I began to avoid people who gathered in the same room at the same time.

The rule book had never said what you do when you find it. All it said was you go up and down

Colfax looking for it. That's been a pattern in my life, too. Learn the rules to a certain

point. Beyond that, I couldn't think. I ran away from high school in my senior year and

joined the Navy. I didn't do this for the reasons I said. You know, I had noble purposes.

Absolutely. I was going to be a hero, save America, or help save America, for mom's up

and by and all this sort of stuff. I ran away from high school because I couldn't stand

to pressure one more day. My people knew there was something wrong. I knew there was something

wrong. I wasn't going to school on a regular basis. I was misbehaving and I was drunk most

of the time. I joined the Navy. We all figured this would make a man out of me. It didn't.

You didn't. You know, I missed the age just as badly there as I did before. I tried very

hard to please everybody. And in the service, he just can't do that. And I'd get up tight

and I'd go on a beach and I'd get drunk and I'd get in trouble. And after two years, it

made me nice and split the blanket. I was so angry, so upset that I took a bad conduct

discharge of the three months in the marine brig rather than put in one more day trying

to live up to the standards that I couldn't live up to. And I drank a lot. And when I got

out, I came home and I drank. I got out in August and in December my people had had all

I could stand in my drinking because I really was, when they sent me to the therapist and

this therapist gave me a little white tablet. They were using to make therapy a little easier.

Methampetamine hydrochloride. They call it speed today. And I took it and I was home

free. You see, part of the heavy drinking I'd been doing was because booze all by itself

had stopped working. I wasn't comfortable anymore. Nineteen and it didn't work. But this little

tablet did. Oh my god. I volunteered for every drug research program going on in the

city of Denver immediately. And for two years I let research supply me with pills and drugs

and hallucinogens, LSD and masculine. And I learned the rules and I learned what symptoms

they were looking for and they got their symptoms and I got comfortable. I got my trip. I learned

how to be a phony and lived. For the effect of it, somehow I was trying to get comfortable.

Hell my only problem is I've never grown up. I'm a quarter friend of mine in Denver. I'm

going to do a lot of quoting tonight. I'll get away and get back to you. Every time I had

a chance to grow up, every time life presented me with an opportunity to grow up, I got stoned

and it became harder and harder for me to even pretend that I was a normal human being.

I began to mix things. I needed wine to get me off the speed. I needed some whiskey to

make this feeling go away. I needed to mix up this combination to make this feeling go

away. And I married and I had two children. And as usual, I didn't think things right.

Now I'm terrified of people. You know what I became? An insurance salesman. That's

the same. As long as I had my pocket full of pills to get the day going with and my bottle

of wine and eating to smooth it out with, I saw a hell of a lot of insurance until I couldn't

do it anymore. I couldn't manage the money and I was taking it from the debit to pay the

bills and waiting for the check to get it back to the debit. And I came to a day when

I had one more check, they would bounce the books and then I'd get caught and they put

you away and I quit. And I took a bigger and better job back east. Fails manager. For

IBM training school. Got that took a lot of pills and a lot of booze to keep me going

through that. And we bounced around for about two years. Getting out of the job. Living like

trans most of the time and terrified. My got the responsibility of children and a wife when

I was incapable of handling myself and I knew it. Told me up the wall. Finding my wife got

sick of it and she left. I hope God's blessing wherever she is. She was as sick as I was and

I sure hope she finds this program Sunday. I really do. But she left and she left me with

the two babies and I got full of fear and I did the only thing I knew how to do. I just

started getting stoned all the time to hide that fear inside. I began to become all the

things I didn't ever want to be. I couldn't work and I discovered instant money. Banks

give you a piece of paper to pay the order of and if you do it right they pay the order

of and I began to write checks. Instant money. I began to get more and more into the drugs

and into the drug scene and the natural consequences of that is that I became a drug dealer. It's

automatic. I can buy 50 pounds or whatever it is over here and sell part of it. I've

got some for me and I've got some money to live on and it just becomes a way of life.

I became a brother. Now I'm not a good one. Please don't understand. I'm the world's worst

gangster. I'm a kind of brother that had to get all stones and filled up and was good and

dropped before I could break into a place and I'd spend two hours looking over the closets

and the drawers and forget to take anything. Hell of a gangster. Never make the big guy.

I was a petty thief. I would definitely steal from you given an opportunity. I had them become

totally isolated from people from the human race. I'd even had fantasies that maybe I didn't

come from this planet. Nobody could feel that difference still belong here. I kept using

the damn chemicals to make that thing stop and eventually they just made it worse and

they came when I couldn't stop even what I wanted to. I just lost heart. We ran and

the kid and I would jump to California and then we'd run back to Denver and then we'd

jump to Cincinnati and then to Phoenix. I don't know about that but I got tired. Got

off the tire. I got into smuggling then. Real big time. Hell I was broke in Albuquerque and

a friend of mine put me onto the smuggling deal and made me some money and I took it because

I didn't know what else to do. Three months later the federal government sent two to the

three. I keep thinking the one in the front door and the one in the back door. I forget

the one who came through the window. They came out to my house and told me you can't

do that. You don't smuggle marijuana into this country and they frightened me. They

really did. These guys were big and they were mean and they had guns. But you know I'm

an alcoholic. I developed an attitude. You people have just made me a criminal. My

activities didn't. Getting caught. That made me a criminal and you caught me. So I decided

to be a good one. They sent me to the federal penitentiary in Texas. For the first time in

years I dried out and I began to learn all sorts of slip techniques about blowing safes

and you know all the neat things. You know what I did the first night I got out. I went

to Albuquerque and I got stoned. What else do you do? And I stayed that way for some

time and then the police in Boulder picked me up after a blackout in a stream trying

to wake up after a five day binge. And I had my kids with me and I don't know how we got

off that mountain. And they took them away and they put me in jail for six days and couldn't

find any charges to hold me on and release me. And I decided to go straight. Anybody here

ever decide to go straight? Fantastic procedure. I got a job. A real honest and good job at

a dollar and a half an hour cooking hamburgers at the Burger King in Aurora. And I moved

in with a Boy Scout troop leader because if I'm going to learn the rules I might as well

get it from the top. Let me tell you, if it's impossible for an alcoholic it might

type to live comfortably with a Boy Scout troop leader. Absolutely impossible. I don't understand

for this guy. And I'll guarantee you he didn't understand me and he tried. My sickness caught

up with me in about four months. That's how long fear kept me straight. My sickness caught

up with me. I had taken another job. The kids were back with me now and you know the pressure

was on. I hadn't learned anything new. I know for a fact for the alcoholic one of

anything it's absolute disaster. I am an alcoholic and one of the girls at work to help

me stay away through my second job gave me one dexamel tablet. And I took it and by morning

I had broken into her house and stolen her bottle so that when the drugstore opened in

the morning I had it refilled for my own use. I bought some YM haters and I ate them because

they get me very stoned. Yeah, they will make you insane. I wrote three prescriptions

of my own and went on tear. Went on tear. I went insane immediately. If anybody here is

thinking that maybe they can safely take just one, please don't. If you're an alcoholic like

I am, you will end up on a tear. The state of Colorado sent some people to my door. One

day you see, by God's grace I got a Christmas present. It can't be beat. On December 25th

of 1967 I tried to kill myself the same way I had been living. In that crummy little basement

I took a two-month supply of amputees and run it up my arm and they found a bunch of empty

beer bottles in my place. I tried to die the same way. December 26th in the morning the

police came to my house and took me away. By the grace of God and the help of Alcoholics

Anonymous I haven't had a drink or a pill or a fix or a desire since that day. It took

me to the Denver County Jail. God brought me to you people. He brought me here directly.

My own devices and trying to figure it out, the probation officer and the judge and the

district attorney and my lawyer and me, all agreed that I belonged in a hospital and that

was to be my sentence. They had nine different charges on me. I don't behave well. They wanted

second on behavior. The deal was if I would plead guilty to one of them, they'd suspend

that sentence in favor of sending me to a federal hospital where I could get some treatment.

I had a very wise probation officer. This is the guy who knew me better than anybody.

He said, no bother. The man's a psychopath. He's untreatable. It doesn't matter where

you lock him up. Just get him off the street. He's dangerous. And they didn't have a hospital

in the United States at that time that would accept my type of addiction. At that point

we thought I was just street-free. I couldn't even be honest about that. So I went to the

federal or the state penitentiary in Colorado, Canyon City. And I thank God for that. Because

it was in Canyon City that I heard the words that have saved my life. Part of the indoctrination

over there, they sent three guys from Alcoholics. I'm going to try not to cry. Because 70% of

the people that are locked up there, there's a direct result of alcohol. Direct result.

And these three guys came in and listened. If you're here, if you're new, listen, I was

at a point of zero. I really didn't know anything. In Denver County Jail, I had said

a prayer. It's as close as I could come to a prayer. Things began to change inside me.

I didn't want to do this insane thing anymore. I didn't have any idea that there was anything

else I could do. But part of the jail routine is I listened to your lives for 10 minutes

and you listen to mine for 10 minutes and we both deliver ourselves and take a nap. And

among this, the line and the talking, everybody had the same idea. When we get out of here,

I heard it a few minutes ago. We deserved our good one. We'll go out and get ready. Now

my mouth will say this and in my heart, I really didn't feel it. I remember that new feeling

and I didn't know what it was. I just knew I didn't want to do that. So they call us down

and down with zero. I was listening. I was at a point where I really didn't know anything

and they said, you will come down here, all of you, and you will listen to this. So I did.

And this guy got up and he said, my name is Doc. And I am an alcoholic and a drug addict.

And that means I am powerless over alcohol and drugs. And in my life has become unmanageable.

And he pointed his finger at it. He said, if any of you smart bastards think your life

is still manageable, look at the reward the state just gave you for the beautiful job

you've been doing. I heard what that man said. I was put into one place where I would hear

what I needed to hear. He was right. Someone had finally told Don what was wrong with him.

I had had years of people saying, what do you do that for? Well, I don't know. Why don't

you quit? It's going to kill you. I know it, but I can't. I don't know. This man said

I was powerless over alcohol and drugs. And my life had become unmanageable. And he went

on to explain what that meant. And I heard him. God had given me something I could hear.

And he said, there's a way out. Most important words I've ever heard in my life. He said,

listen, you don't ever have to hurt like that again. You don't ever have to hurt like that

again. I didn't know that. I'm an intellectual giant, but I didn't know that I didn't have

to hurt like that. He said, you don't have to die in this penitentiary or one like it.

You don't have to die in a gutter or in a hospital drunk. I didn't know that. I had

to listen to him because he was what I was and he wasn't drinking anymore. And he wasn't

shooting dope anymore. And I said, we have what's known as the 12 step study school.

I got to that. Before you become a member of the new life group in Kingdom City at that

time, you had to attend five consecutive weekends where all they did was study this book, worked

these steps to carry their experience, strength and hope. Or you didn't get to become a member

of the group. Saturday. You had to give up something though. And this is important. Saturday

afternoon is the movie. You can go to the big yard and listen to the guy's lie about the

Cadillac. If you go to the movie, or you can go to, hey, hey, hey, you don't get to see

the movie. And unless you like lying about Cadillacs or playing with boys, hey, and the

movie is it? That's the only entertainment you've got. They carried the message to us

again. They had a little slip. A reminder slip on our bunks that there would be a first

step meeting held in the school starting at one o'clock right at the lunch. And a couple

of us decided let's go. I don't want to die in here. Let's go. And we talked about the first

step. And Sunday I went back. And we discussed the second step. I say we discussed. My name

had been Don. And now it was 38984. And I had a sponsor who renamed me Dummy. And Dummies

don't get to talk. Listen, this man was in that planetece for a murder. He'd committed

an act of violence in the midst of a stick up. Oh, he was drunk. I'd never done that. This

man talked to me about how he heard and how he thought and what it was that got him so

messed up that he had to take the drinks that got him some messed up. But he went out and

did that. I had done every one of those things. I knew what he was talking about. I knew about

rage and anger. They pointed out to me the insanity of the alcoholic I behaved insanely

after I drank and shocked the stuff. But my insanity began when I uncorked the bottle

and took that first drink or took that fix. That's when it began. In all honesty, I must

tell you I never did get high accidentally. I thought it all out. I took real pains to

make sure the circumstances would be right so I could get stoned right. There's no game.

They made me give up all my excuses. That's a hell of a thing to do with a man who don't

know how to live. They gave me give up all my excuses. They made me try to become rigorously

honest. And I couldn't even spell it. I had a sponsor who was doing a natural life sentence

for a double murder committed in the midst of a hole in it. Never to be pardoned in the

natural life term. By the way, he's out. He's been paroled to another ex-convict. I know

it doesn't make sense. But at this time he didn't think he'd ever get out of there. And he looked

me in the eye and he said he was comfortable. And I had to believe him. He really was. Now

listen, I'm going to pay attention to anybody that can get comfortable in an 8x10 toilet

that's filled with copper. Because I sure as hell wasn't. But he said he was. And he began

to gently. Also gently. You have no idea how beautiful those guys are. Because I couldn't

stand many more shocks. God gave me the right kind of people. They gently began to lead me

down this fantastic path. My job was in the dishroom for that penitentiary. That's a hell

of a place for a guy who's a physical coward, let me tell you. That's why they make all

the booze and that's where all the riots start. And here I was working in the middle

of all that and it's here to death. But all the other new guys were down there too. And

we spent our days, our time, talking about this new thing we were going to, this Alcoholic

Anonymous. And the following Saturday I discussed the need to turn you well in your life over

the care of God as you understand. And it had brought me to a place where I could accept

this back. God loves me. I didn't know that. But I accepted that back. And I made my decision

and I sat back and I waited for the boom for my big pleasure life. It's what's supposed

to happen. Nothing ever significant ever happened in my life. It didn't go boom or

bang or. And it didn't come and I was terribly disappointed and frightened. And I went to

my sponsor and I told him that. And he said, Don, be grateful for that. Flash is a lie

to nearly kill you all your life. And we discussed that. Martina gives you a flash of

life. A hypodermic syringe full of LSD. Guaranteed flash of life. They nearly killed

me. I said, OK, what do I do? I know this is not enough to just say, OK, this book says,

I'm willing, I'm ready. What do I do to implement this decision? He gave me a pencil on a piece

of paper and sent me off to myself to write a searching and fairness moral inventory. And

he didn't show me how to do it. He said the directions were in here. And I went up and

I did a magnificent job. It took almost a half hour. I had a couple sheets of paper there

and I ran back up to the school and I found a guy and we sat down and for two hours he

justified my behavior. And something happened inside of me. I came to the awareness that there

was something definitely wrong. It said that he was supposed to listen to me. And I came

to understand that I had not been honest. I hadn't written a searching and fairness moral

inventory. I was playing the old game, running the rules, getting some quickies done. I had

to go back to myself and get honest. Do I want to live or do I want to die? Do I want

to be comfortable? What do I really want? And they have told me, when you write this inventory

and ask God's help, I hadn't done that first time. Who needed it? This time I did. And I

must tell you that it was no magnificent thing. But I wrote a searching and a fairness moral

inventory and it took a while. And they told me when you're through with this, you must.

You must go to someone and talk about it. But you must find somebody that isn't going

to be terribly affected by it. Somebody that isn't going to be hurt by it. Can I pick the

guy with the same amount of sobriety I had? He was so screwed up, there's no way I could

hurt him. And he listened. All I talked. And he would throw a few things in as we went. We

spent a couple of three hours up in that school. And at the end, I found out something that I hadn't

put on that paper, but I came to understand that my gravest defect in character was the

fact that I relied far too much on my resources and on your resources as human beings and nowhere

near enough on God. And I came away from that experience knowing that I had a whole lifetime

of this examination to do, but that I had done it right for me. You know how I knew that? I felt

better. I felt better. I can't describe what I felt except I felt better. And I went back to myself,

again, under the direction of my sponsor, and I sat down. I looked this thing over and I

had done a thorough job as throwing the good. I knew it wasn't complete. And I asked

guy to remove my defects of character. And because of the knowledge that I had at that

moment, I also tacked on and please don't let the ones I hadn't got to kill me before I get to them.

I must tell you that he did that. I'm here tonight. I don't do the things I used to do anymore. I don't

think the way I used to think anymore. I get frightened. I get scared. I get tempted to cheat

a little bit here. It's still there. But you know what? Every time I happen if I ask God's help,

it stops and stops now. It's fantastic. So I did that. And I got to tell you, it's a good thing I

always walked up. I made me a list of all the people I had harmed and I became willing to

make amends to them all. And Don Fritz, number 38984, got free. The feeling of freedom came to me

locked in my cell one night. On the fourth tier in cell house one in the Colorado state penitentiary,

I got free. This book and my sponsor said the minute you are willing to face everybody that

you've ever done. If you're willing to do it, that's the key. And you can become free. And the feeling

was this. What a feeling. But it's a good thing I was locked up because I got excited and I want to

run out and make amends to everybody instantly. God, they had to lock me up. I thought I'd done

that. These beautiful people, you people, have constantly worked on me to slow me down. I had a man

the same guy that was in there for life. See, look, there's people I can never reach. He said,

they won't let him in the same. He had a funny attitude. He wasn't locked in. You were locked up.

Probably why he was comfortable. And he showed me how to write letters to some of them.

He showed me how to be willing to wait until I got out. And he showed me the most important

thing of all for me. He said, yeah, God help you write that inventory. God's in charge of your

life now. Let him help you decide when and where you're going to make direct demands. Don't run

him up out there. Don't create any more chaos in your life or the lives of people around you.

Don't ever run and duck. But don't make him any ask yourself. He said and go out there and

try it and follow them. I did what he said. To the best of my ability. I continue to take

personal inventory. When I'm wrong, as properly as I can, I admit it. He taught me to learn

to live one day at a time. A wild thing happened along the way. They let me out of that penitentiary.

My time was up. Now, this was a strange day and a fantastic thing began to happen. I began to be

aware of the miracles of God's love in my life and the active participation so long as I was

willing to rely upon him. I still had some federal time in my old room and they paroled me to the

federal authorities to finish that four-year stretch that I hadn't finished up before. And

I was ready to go ahead and do that. This program worked just fine with penitentiary. Just fine. I

could live this way for another four years. There's not any Denver to wait the trial that I had to go

through. And it's a wild experience coming from the penitentiary to the jail. You know, when you go

to the jail for the penitentiary, you're a bum. When you come out of the penitentiary to the

jail, they treat you like a man. They let you have your own cigarettes. They're nice to you.

And this was a new experience for me. The policeman and sheriff's office was being nice to me.

And it didn't matter. And they took me to trial after two weeks

and they destroyed all my losers. The federal judge reinstated my probation and said I could

go out. Well, this was a long weekend. I think it was Labor Day, one of those. It was a long weekend.

I had $17 in my pocket. No job. No place to live. Nobody out here that wanted to see me again.

My family was done. They'd been burned out. All I had was this program.

And the word of a man from Alcoholics Anonymous, who the week before had been to the meeting,

and I said, Reed, how am I going to be accepted out there? God bless him. He said,

why don't you come and find out? If you'll come to a meeting the first night out,

you'll probably stay out. That's all he said to me. Except that one of us will be there to meet you.

When they released me, as I took my blankets downstairs, a colored kid handed me a little

slip of paper out of his cell. He said, go see this guy. Maybe he could help you get a job.

Turned out to be a daily labor fool. You'll work one day. You get paid for that day.

Fantastic. That's how I'm running out of live anyway. Why not?

You people taught me to be completely honest with everybody I meet.

So after they took me downtown, we signed the paper to put me on the street. I went over to see this

guy. And I walked in, and I had that morning, said to God, you leave me. I'll go where you want,

and do what you want, because I don't know how to live. And I knew he loved me, and I knew he

didn't want me to starve for death. I knew he'd take care of me, and I really knew that.

So I went to see this guy, and I walked in, and I said, look, I just got out of the penitentiary.

I'm recovering alcoholic in the drug addict. Do you have any work? And he got excited.

I'm just exactly what he was looking for. I don't know why, but he sure got turned out. You

bet he had work. And we ran down to this place, and they told us down there that they didn't hire

ex-convex, but they would work me in a box car one day at a time unloading. This is neat. I'm not

an ex-convex anyway. Now I'm a man, and I've been to prison. I had a guy who wasn't a convict

teach me that. He was a man who was in prison. He pointed out to me that ex-convex go back,

about 70 percent of them. I don't want to go back. It's a little attitude shift.

But yes, they would put me to work the next day. And the miraculous things began to happen. The

miracle took place in my life, because Jack asked me, do you want to work today? And I said yes,

and I found out something. God never, never tests me. But he continually allows me to find out

consciously where I'm at, because they sent me out to Abbott Laboratories.

I haven't laboratories, manufacturers, and distributes the stuff I like the best,

but very best. And I spent the day working alongside a boy who had a bandage on his arm,

because he'd missed the night before unloading box cars and the stuff. And I knew I didn't want

it anymore. Do you know what it feels like to know that God's done that? Whew. He had taken away

what I asked him to take away my insane compulsion to do these things. He wasn't there. I didn't

want to do it. He gave me the sanity to say no when the man at Abbott Laboratories offered me

a full-time job. I don't know how long I stand being around that stuff daily, after day, after day.

That's ridiculous. I said, no, and I went to work for a company that does an higher-edge

convex. And a few months later, they put me on payroll. I don't know what they do with

that convex, but they will hire a man who's been depressed. I became a truck driver.

I didn't know that's what I was. A truck driver. And I loved it. I loved it. And I went to meetings

every night, and I began to discover the real fellowship of this program. I discovered God

through people. I look into your eyes, and I see the reflection of my father. You taught me that.

For six months, I couldn't have a car. So people from alcoholic synonymous thought, too,

I got to every meeting within a hundred miles. Nobody ever tried to ram anything down my throat.

But they saw to it that I got everything I ever needed. I made a friend. I made a friend.

A man that no matter whether I'm sick or well is glad to see me. Fantastic. I never had a friend.

The most unlikely man in the world. I'll tell you, I wouldn't have picked him for anybody.

His mind's too fast for me. But we became friends, and we did things, and I worked, and I went to

meetings. But it came down as Joy said to the house father in a recovery house. I didn't want

to do that. I already didn't. I was quite warm and supportive. But I didn't want to do that. I

enjoyed being alone. God revealed things to me in funny ways. I laid in my bed one night thinking

how neat it was to be alone in my own apartment. And I might as well have been hitting the

ball bat because the realization to me came to me. It is not nice to be alone. Never again am I

to be alone. You people make it possible for me not to be alone. That's what was killing me

being alone. Being alienated and being separated. So I moved in with this bunch of nuts. One experience.

24 hours a day I had to work the program to stay sane. So I heard out of it. We had drunk

some junkies falling in and out the front door and the back door. And we didn't get along with

each other too good. Those of us who were trying to do this, we began to learn how to live with

one another. And to learn by the traditions in this program. And to try very hard to stick

close to our primary purpose. To achieve sobriety. And to pass it on. 24 hour day 12 step work is

fantastic. I do that today. I learned something not too long ago. I learned that a man said something

to me and I felt the truth. Every time you meet me you should 12 step me and I'll do that to you

too. And you know what the message is? We carry. You don't have to die drunk. You don't have to

hurt that way. You carry the message of hope. And we do this by hugging and kissing and shaking

hands and saying how are you? Hell I know how you are if you're here you're fine. Fine. But I'll

ask you anyway. Once in a while somebody says I'm really not feeling too good. And that's me. Somebody

else got on. You've given me my life. You have taught me how to pray. You took away my excuse

that I didn't know how to pray. Before every meeting it starts out God grant me surrender.

That's God's phone number. You taught me that. If I say that I hook up instantly and directly.

I'm hooked in. We begin a meeting by saying God and we spend the next however long it takes

listening to what he has to say. Each one of us talks and passes on what we learned today. You

taught me I don't have to be brilliant. You've taught me all I can have to do today is give you

what I have today. Some days that isn't much. Some days that's so much I think I'm gonna bust

re-inside out. If I can't get ahold of somebody and say look isn't this neat. You've taught me

that God loves me like nobody else ever existed. And he loves you the same way. And this is a very

practical God. When we got married it became very apparent that I'm incapable of supplying

adequate bread for that many people. So all I can do to care of me and we decided if God wants

us fed you'll have to do it. And he has. We've missed me. In fact it gets spooky. We should miss

you. I should. You make it impossible for me to remain silent every again in my life. It's in

silence that I'm sick. There are times when silence comes to me in meditation and that's good.

But for me to remain silent in your presence I can't do that anymore. That's part of my sickness.

If I can't do any more than say I love you or help me I must be willing to do either one of those things.

They're both healthy. I didn't think it was healthy to be able to say help me.

Big old strong me. I weighed 133 pounds. So can what? Big old strong me. I'm going to tell you my

favorite story because I don't have anything else to say of any importance. This story sums up for me

in the most beautiful words I've ever heard just exactly what you people are. My life was like a

great huge lake. And I'd swum about halfway across this lake with my anvil in my hand.

And it finally got to heavy I couldn't go any further. I was just barely treading water only

on my anvil out in the middle of the lake. I was going to drown. And I looked up and on this bank

we're a group of people and they saw me and they said hang on young man we're going to have a quick

prayer service and we'll get you out of there. And they did it. And beautiful things happened

for them. My anvil just got heavier and heavier. And over here on this bank we're a group of

fine well-dressed citizens. One of them hollowed out to me and said hey hang on there for a second

we're going to pass a law that makes swimming illegal and you'll have to come out. And they went

off and did it and my anvil just kept getting heavier and heavier. And over on this bank we're a

group of men with slip sticks and sextings and all kinds of material. They said hang on young

man we're going to build a bridge across this lake and when we get out in the middle we'll reach

down and we'll haul you out. But hang on because first of all we have to make a feasibility study

and see how many people are going to use it and we've got to get our material list together

and get the money raised. My anvil just can't get heavier and heavier. Often a little quiet little

cold. A bunch of people were having a barbecue and having a good time. Oh they had a thing like

this AA and take it easy and signs all around them and a few of their members were walking down

along the beach. One of them saw me and he said hey out there you got my attention. He said hey

drop your anvil. Well this was the only one I had you know this struck me it's kind of funny

if I let go of that anvil I wouldn't have one anymore. And I told him so the narrow anvil

he said listen if you don't want to drop drop your anvil. I was right about where you are just a few

months ago with a GMC truck transformation in my hand. And I'll probably show this if you'll drop

it it'll go right straight to the bottom. And if you ever ever need it again you can always swim

right back out here and dive down. It'll be there and you can have my transmission too if you ever

get destined. But if you don't want to die drop your anvil. And I didn't want to die so I did.

And all those people stopped what they were doing and came out of the beach. One of them said to me

reach out with your right hand and get a handful of water. Pull up behind you. And I did that and

I moved a little bit toward the beach. And another one hollered now. Reach out with your left hand

and give you a little handful of water and pull up behind you. I moved a little further toward the

beach. And one day saw I could do this number pretty good. One nice little lady stood out.

Kicked your right foot up and out of you. And I did and I moved a little faster. Another man said now

kick that left leg up and down. Keep reaching. Keep kicking. And I made it to the beach.

Your people covered me with blankets. Look here tonight so I didn't have to swim back out and drown.

One, two, three, four, five, six. My family can remember the time when I wasn't. And everybody I

came in contact can remember the time that I wasn't. But tonight I am and maybe tomorrow I

will be. And you look. Happy occasion for three of us tonight and maybe more of you. But especially

for three of us it's our anniversary. And like Jim says he was the first sponsor. I was the second.

And Harry of course is sponsored people. But the three of us kind of have got through the years

some way over. We're real happy about it. I don't have much of a speech to make except to say

I'm happy to be here. Well Bob's right. Harry's not going to get out of it. He's going to come up

here too. And so next I'd like to give you Harry with the 15 years this month and I'm real happy

for him. And just watch your language here. I'm very happy to be here. And today is my 15 years.

And that 35 cents that he mentioned wasn't 35 cents at all. I know those boys in that

back room and they've been heavier than that. And I'm glad they all lost their money. I never

have found out who bet on my side. But I hope he had a good win streak. Sure. Thank you very much.

And I'm real happy to be here. And God willing I hope I can be here next year and the year after

and the year after that. Thank you very much. They talk all time and I just get few times.

Oh yeah. That's not like a good idea. I'm glad you brought it up.

Fine. No I would like to hear from from you girls. And Fern, why don't you come up here first.

Okay. Thank you. Anyhow. Gwen how about you coming up and just saying a few words out was.

I'm sure happy to be here. And I'm sure this is the most happier 15 years that we've ever had.

Harry's always said he was always a real clean cut kid.

Well I know if he wants to say a few words I think this would be the time to say it.

Did you want to come up here. I'll have to care of that. I don't know why a guy gets drunk. Ties

in that stuff and stays with it. Something I've never figured out and I really quit trying.

Maybe there's a lot of reasons. I was born farm just near small town.

Maybe that causes it. I don't know being born near small town. Give you an idea how small it was

when he should zip code to put a decimal point in front of him. The youngest child in the family

maybe the family. Maybe that baby. I don't know. I had things a little better than the other two

kids did. Maybe that caused me to drink. Don't really know him. Don't really care. I'm glad I did.

And I'm glad that I found they ate. I'm glad I found the North Platte group.

I guess everybody thinks his own group is the best. There's wonderful groups all over the

country. And I've been to a lot of them. And I think North Platte is real fortunate.

We've had some AAs move in here lately. And I'm tickled with that CMLP. You'll be an active

member of our group, Mike, like you've been in Grand Island. And I'd like Mike from

recently from Grand Island, Grand Island, Mt. North Platte. Would you come up and say

I am Mike and I'm an alcoholic. North Platte is not too new to me. I spend my Saturday nights in the

KC Club or in the AA group for quite a few years up here. I spend half of my life up here I guess

with the railroad. It was generally in the bar in front of a mirror admired my mind or some

chasing somebody or something. There is a pretty good fella here though. He's told me my last

final whiskey or got it for me. I woke up one morning Sunday shaking sick just about to go to

work and didn't know whether I could make it to North Platte to Grand Island without a drink.

I called him up and he took care of that. And I think that was just about my last final whiskey.

I don't know. It was neared anyway. Oh, really? I don't care. I guess I would be leaving this kind

of a life. I might not be. The fella in Grand Island after it always claims that had we not been

alcoholic turned to the boob that we might have wound up and then seen asylum anyway because of our

makeup were kind of quite strong and had we not added had it not been for the boob. We might have not

turned out to get in. So I think we're pretty fortunate to be able to wind up alcoholics and then

be able to find a place such as this to straighten our lives out. It was under a hell of a lot of

pressure from several different directions. I think I'd been threatened to be divorced. I don't

know how many times. I've done my job several times. It don't seem like there's any way to scare an

alcoholic. The doctor had scared me. My liver was getting hot. I was getting physically in pretty

bad shape, probably shaped spiritually. You put that all together. It's pretty hard to face without

a drink or other my way down to the ante. I think there was about three pulling and one pushing to

get me down there. And I hate it now. I hate it but I can see where I delayed my sobriety. I quite

a bit my happy sobriety by getting down there sitting behind the post and letting the other people do

the work. Just as soon as the meeting was over by others for a while I wouldn't even wait for a cup

of coffee. And then it got so I'd maybe stay for one. But until I started enjoying the company,

started pitching in and helping with some of the work, I didn't enjoy my sobriety too much. I

just as well have been a drinker if it stayed on like that. But I think that was a turning point

about six to eight months after I'd been in. I kept coming once a week. I think we're only

at a meeting. I'd pray to God I'd be out of town on meeting nights so I wouldn't have to go. That's

how bad I wanted to be. I'd rather found some other way. And that was him. He had a lot to do with it.

That I stayed long enough to find out what it was all about. I've been happy sobriety. I mean I

suppose I had some good times drinking. But in the last five years of my drinking it became work.

I used to bid in a local so I'd be away from home. I could least get off the job,

get my jug, go to my room. Nobody was a nagging at me. And that helped some. But I still had to

face up and go home on Saturday night. And then it was held till Sunday night so I could leave to

go back. And had it not been for her though. Maybe I wouldn't be here yet. She was one of the

pressures. And I had about quite a few kids that were getting at the age where

they were quite a bit disappointed in their father. And I don't know. The hurt that could

see in their eyes and I could home all looped up. The hurt I could see in their eyes when I promised

them I was going to do something and there wasn't no shade to do it when at some time began to hurt

the inside me. And I think until that inside pressure, I mean physically or financially

I don't know if a fellow would ever stop going. I think it comes from inside. That hurt something

that most of us just can't stand. I couldn't and I think that follows along the line. So a lot

respect for myself. It seems like that's why it finally says something's got to happen.

I had a fortune that I knew about. It's been the AA and I think it might have kept

that in the back of my mind. When I get as bad as he is or he was, maybe I'll give it a try.

But it took some while before it made any sense to me at all. Go down there to 6-8-10. That was

about the size of it when I started. They seemed to be happy and when you got a block up there and

really don't want to let anything in, it's pretty hard for them fellas to get to you.

But when I finally give up, she said, well, boy, this is it. I'll do a gas. You start enjoying

their company. I started enjoying AA. I started enjoying sobriety. Missed with myself and everybody

else. I would probably lead people to believe that I got sober for my family. My folks or

some other got given me. If I was honest about it, I was sick and tired of myself. I just

couldn't live that way anymore. You start doing it for yourself. The other people get to benefit

of it. And I figured that it was a lot of friends over there going to AA. But Biggie Sharon was

glad to see me. So I didn't give a damn where I went to get it easily. I didn't think I could

be happier. Have any fun without the booth. I mean, it's in a lot of other ways. It's a pretty

good feeling to be able to feed your family, clothe your family, get a decent house for them.

It's pretty rewarding in that way. Be able to take, go to the ball games of Christ. I have

tipped it. I've worked hard now for about three months. The bills are pretty well caught up. I had

a drink coming. I was sober several times. Nine months one time. We just kept getting a little

shorter, four months, three months. There, it's the last about 30 days apart. But when I would

give it up, I thought it was making a ride. I really thought I was making the sacrifice for

my family. But that had up at all. I was making no sacrifice at all. I haven't made a sacrifice

since I quit drinking. I'm not doing anything now that I shouldn't have done for the last

25 years or the last 15 years before I quit drinking. It got to be worked for me.

When I would once start, I would have enough money. I, probably about a week to find the money,

to find the whiskey, to have enough for the next day. If I didn't have, if I had to go to bed at

night knowing that I didn't have a drink in case I woke up or enough to last me until the bars

open in the morning, I couldn't sleep that night. Boy, when it becomes work to drink, it's pretty

easy to see that there's, I mean it's bad anyway. Thanks. I'm glad to hear it.

Thank you a lot, Mike. A couple of years ago, I asked to get a man to speak for our state reunion.

I enquired around. If anybody had any suggestions, somebody told me, says,

why don't you call Denver? So they've probably got a young, a lot of young people,

and a whole guy in Denver. And he said, you bet you would get the man you want.

Called on. So I called on, invited him out, and he came to speak to our state reunion.

And he brought along the prettiest little girl with him. And since that time, I've really

became really acquainted with him, close to him, and fell in love with both of them,

both Don and his wife. I've heard Don speak before, but I never had heard her.

So I'm going to let her take the lead tonight, and maybe she'll tell us a few things about Don and how,

what he does, to keep himself sober. Maybe he's got some tricks that he hasn't told us,

and she might tell on him. So Joyce, if you would, please.

My name is Joyce Pritz, and I am an Eleanor. I don't know where to start.

You know, I call myself an Eleanor because I feel that's what I am today.

But I found this program throughout college anonymous, two and a half years ago,

and wasn't here then why I, why I found myself in the midst of AA. But I know today

that my higher power put me there. It was a direct result of the third step of this program,

and at the time, I didn't know anything about 12 steps or too much about AA. My mother is a

recovered alcoholic on the AA program, and she had just sobered up about two and a half years ago,

and she was starting to send all kinds of little tidbits about AA home to me in Denver.

And at this time, I had reached the end of a 10-year marriage.

I was near suicidal. I was just about as screwed up as you could possibly guess.

I had tried marriage counseling and psychiatrists and ministers, and nothing worked.

And I found myself in rocking chair one day, rocking a set of very thick twins,

and I knew that I was at the end of my road, and I knew I didn't have any where to go.

The word powerless didn't come to my mind that this is exactly what I was. In fact,

I said some kind of a prayer to my higher power then that I didn't know too much about,

but I said, God, I screwed this marriage up so bad. I screwed my life up so bad,

and I don't know which way to turn, but I got to do something, and I don't have the courage to do

it. I'm a very, very insecure person, and I'm a leaner. I knew I was making my husband miserable,

and that I was miserable, and the only place for me that was left was the mental hospital that

was just at the street. So I told God that day, I can't do any more with my life,

so I'm going to put it in your hands. It can't possibly get worse. My whole life I had spent

preparing myself for bad. My whole life, and as a result of that prayer, it was a matter of weeks

I found myself in the middle of an AA meeting, and I had gone there just out of curiosity because I

had met Don, my present husband, and some other people that were on the program, and I was curious

about the AA program. I lived with alcohol, isn't it? The greatest part of my life,

and I knew my mother was changing and I wanted to find out why. I sat in the meeting that night

and I'll never forget what happened to me. There was about 50 people in that room. We were all

crowded into one small living room of a recovery home that Don was the house father of.

And these people, that particular night, they didn't talk about alcohol, and they didn't talk

about drugs. They talked about feelings. They talked about fears, resentments, and anxieties

that caused them to drink and caused them to take pills and cause them to shoot drugs and their

and I find myself identifying so strong and I didn't know what was happening to me,

but every single one of them that said something talked about me. They talked about the fear I had

on my life, the feeling of being alone, the feeling of trying to please everyone in sailing,

the resentments that they built at, every one of them talked about me.

And I suddenly had this feeling of being where I belong, being at home.

Something else happened. I was aware of that night. There was no soul in that entire room that had

a mask on and this came quite short because everywhere I'd gone on my life I'd seen masks.

I'd never really been able to see inside of anyone or know how they were feeling

and I'd always worn a mask because I was scared to death to let people know what was really going

on inside of me and there wasn't a soul in the entire room that was wearing a mask.

It was just a bunch of people sharing their experience, strength, and hope and I needed it so

desperately and I knew I was home. I started attending those meetings faithfully

because I was going through a divorce and there was a very strong possibility of losing my five

children, losing my home and various other things and I needed those people desperately

and Cincinnati was starting to creep in. Those 12 steps were teaching me how to prepare myself

for the good. The people on the AA program told me constantly that my higher power was all good

that he loved me and he wanted nothing but the best for me and this was hard to believe

and it's taken two and a half years for even a little bit of it to sink in.

But in these two and a half years there's been just nothing but beautiful things happening to me

and dawn is one of them. I didn't want any part of dawn as a

husband or anything that serious. I was so grateful to be free and feeling good and having some joy

in my life that I was scared to death to get married again. I didn't want to ruin that

what we had going. It was more like a very good friend and a sponsorship type relationship.

But our AA friends in Denver had made up their minds. We were going to get married whether we

thought so or not and I think they prayed us into it. All of a sudden I found myself on the way to

New Mexico. I practically had been handcuffed and stepped in the car and was told I was going to

get married that night. Literally you have to watch out with AA people. I was scared to death.

Totally just terrified of what was going to happen.

I was just learning how to live myself. I couldn't cope with my own five kids at the time and dawn

had two that just fit right in with mine, same ages. And I had very very

mixed emotions about his children. I knew they needed a mother and one whole part of me wanted

to be a mother to them and the biggest part of me wanted no part of it whatsoever. In fact I

resented him for even having two kids. I resented the kids because it was just another load on me

and we set out to play house. The only way I was able to agree to marry gone was that we would get

married for one day only. I was really into the programs one day at a time and I thought I could

tolerate going to New Mexico. I could tolerate signing the papers and marrying him if that's all

it had to be was for that one day. So I told him if you'll just marry me or if I marry you,

let's just let it be one day and then we'll live together. Then you don't have to be a husband

and I don't have to be a wife because I didn't know how to do that. And he agreed that was fine

with him and that's the way it's been on the day. I don't act like a wife and he doesn't act like a

husband. We have the most beautiful time. If I start acting like a wife and he starts acting like

a husband, it's hell. It's just as bad as it was before. He didn't ask me to say something about gone

and that's so easy for me to do because I feel like coming into the A program the way I did and

being told later that I really ought to go to Al and on that that's where I belonged. It was

very tough for me. I didn't want any part of Al and on. I didn't identify with a whole lot of

the Al and on people. I identified with the Alcoholics and I spent months on the program

beating myself to death over this identification thing. I didn't know what my title was and it

drove me crazy and Don kept saying, quit worrying about your title and work the program.

It finally sunk in and this is what I started doing and today I can very joyfully say that I

enjoyed my meal and I'm part of the good. Most of the good that has come my way as a direct result

of Don which he got it as the direct result of the Alcoholics that gave it to him. I didn't know

the first thing about loving or the first thing about accepting love. I was married to an extremely

possessive man and very gone mirroring and I myself was extremely possessive. I was terrified

of losing what I had and being alone and all of a sudden I found myself being loved like this

and I found out that that is stronger than any change. By being loved like this I was tied so

strongly to him I couldn't say no and this is the way I've been loved for the last two and a half years

and because of this I'm learning how to do this. I don't do nearly so well at it if Don does

but I'm so much better than I was two and a half years ago. The hardest thing for me to do is to

love my children with relief to let them go with love. I told you I had a terrible resentment

of Don's two sons. The worst is with our oldest son, our 12 year old. This boy has got as many

hangouts as I have had and if he throws up a wall just as strong and tall as I throw up

and so our walls get in the way of each other 95% of the time. I've always been able to go to Don

and say Don I can't take care of another minute. Sometimes I think hey him. I don't like being his

mother and I know I heard Don but because of the program the alcoholics went on anonymous has

given him. He's able to put his arm around me and say honey don't worry about it just let it go.

It's going to get all right and it does and it has and it's getting better more and more and more

that boy and I are able to smile at each other. Not very much but a little bit more of each day

and as I said there has been nothing but beautiful things happening to us.

We've done more living in the last two and a half years than I have crammed in the whole rest of my

life and it's a direct result of this program. These 12 steps are teaching me how to have a conscious

contact and how to expect nothing but the best because until I'm able to totally open up and let

my power pour all his love in and all his goodness I can just keep on wallering around in myself

pitying my fear and my agony but the more this program teaches me to open up and let it in the

more it comes in and sometimes it comes in floods and that's hard to take. The people on the program

of A and L and on tell me that it gets better and better and better and that's hard to believe

because when it's as good as it is today it's unimaginable that it can get better but it is

the very fact that we were able to come back down here after the beautiful trip we had a year and

a half ago and the fact that the beautiful North Platte people flew us both in was just a rare

tree and we were able to fly back in today with two of the most beautiful people I've met in a long

time. I can't hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings and I think my prayer is that I don't do

anything to screw it up to get away from this program because as long as I've got the program

and as long as I've got people like you I know I've got it made. Thank you.

Thank you so very much Joyce. It was great.